That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

foo? . FOOT!

Elly I find your posts both narrow minded and offensive. None of this is helpful for the OP so I'm respectfully bowing out.
OP I wish you luck and hope that you know that we are all with you

Thank you Twisted. I think it’s for the best. I can only assume your main experience is on the legal-side of things. I don’t think Elly has been offensive, just honest. You’re the one who basically barged telling the op to ignore everyone saying it’s abuse coz how could be possibly know? That’s not helpful at all.

Does he have environmental concerns about you hiring a cleaner too?

Or just mental ones

Somehow I predict he will manage to have environmental objections to anything OP wants to do that he doesn't.

I just wanted one final say before I wish the op good luck. For people like twisted who may feel it’s inappropriate to “jump” to the conclusion that the op is being abused, would this be the same view if the op had come on mn and said her husband hits her? Beats her up?? If the op had said that then everyone would have been in no doubt that this was wrong without knowing anything else about the relationship. Because if he hit her it doesn’t matter what the rest of the relationship was like, these actions are wrong. He could be lovely to her most of the time but hit her once a ay/week, whatever it could be. This is wrong. It is no different if someone is being mentally abused. In some ways it’s worse being mentally abused because there’s the element of doubt in the victims head. Other people don’t see it for what it is, the abuser can manipulate the victim into thinking they’re doing nothing wrong, it’s in the victims head, or it’s based on the actions of the victim that makes them behave the way they do. Mental abuse is as important as physical abuse. Please do not underestimate this by thinking the relationship could be ok in other ways and is worth saving - this would not be the advice given to to a physically abused person. Twisted if you do treat victims of abuse please take all this on board.

Good luck op. I hope you are strong enough to do what is needed. Xx

Lol at shooting ones self in the foo. 😆

Thank you Sb74 and Thanks everyone. I do have plenty of professional experience and am very worried for the OP. Not sure what Twisted calls herself but suspect it's not the same experience.
I think the advice to have the App that Mrs Gareth Southgate suggested will help.
Booboo66 thanks!

hungryfordinner. Please take in the advice here. Your husband's fines, not listening to you, terrible eating regime and meanness with money are signs of something serious. Like many here I can't trust that your joint account, particularly savings, is safely there for you to use. I would urge you to take measures to put your half in your name, you can still use it for the same purpose later if all turns out well. Please put your salary into your account too. You should be able to spend it without consulting your husband. Pay only what is reasonable into the joint account for household needs.

please get the App. Mrs Gareth Southgate suggests.
You deserve happiness, freedom from anxiety, good friends and good health and to be able to spend quality time with your son.
Lots of love, Elle x

Good luck OP I have suffered with a mentally abusive relationship in the past and it's so hard to leave as they tell you that you are in the wrong so many times you believe it. I hope you have lots of support in RL as I suspect you will need it.

Hi @hungryfordinner I hope you are okay and will come back to tell us how things are going. There are a lot of people thinking of you right now xx

Butterymuffin. I might be talking to you because I would so much love a buttery muffin but;
I couldn't agree with you more!

I'm back! I haven't read everything today so bear with me.. I've been on the go since 6am.

My husband came home late after tube delays. I was feeding baby his dinner, cooking tomorrow's lunch and tonight's (vegetarian!) dinner and trying to clean the kitchen simultaneously.

He took the baby and put him to bed, then came downstairs and apologised for being a dick lately and that he doesn't want to fight.

He said he really wants to improve world for our baby, and that reducing our carbon footprint is the best way to start.

I said that there is no way I'm going vegetarian or being told off for spending money on food anymore. And that I'm turning on heating if I'm cold or the baby might be cold. I suggested if he's serious about reducing our impact on the environment then we need to spend money on good quality meat and vegetables rather than getting the cheapest stuff in the shop. And that he needs to help more in the kitchen!

Strangely enough, he's accepted just about everything I've said. I've given him some options for food - we could get an able&cole delivery of meat / veg every week, or go to the new simply fresh store that is due to open. He said he will look at the options.

So I don't know- it all seemed a bit easy and I'm certainly not thinking we are in the clear. I am definitely going to stand up to him when he's being unreasonable. And not take any shit anymore.

I'm going to read back through all of your messages - I appreciate each and every one of them.

And to not buy a 2nd home abroad... No?

I am definitely going to stand up to him when he's being unreasonable. And not take any shit anymore.
Go girl

Good start OP but still sounds like you are giving him options to approve ... if you want the food just get it. Or does he not allow you access to the joint account?

And I presume given the carbon reduction angle that you won't be going on any more holidays abroad?

@Whisky2014 I don't know. I'd love to move to back to my home country one day. And I'm not prepared to cancel our annual visit to see my parents there. But yes I do realise that air travel is terrible for the carbon footprint.

@Ponks I have been clear that I will buy food when we run out. However I have said that we should be buying better quality food- and there are good options out there that he's welcome to investigate and choose from.

Is there any chance he could have read this thread, OP?

Well done hungry!** it's a great start but stay strong and keep talking to him and hopefully you'll both learn how to compromise so that you don't ever feel powerless again

Not sure where the ** came from!

I hope you have also told him that the fines system is now officially over!

OP is there any chance that he could be aware of this thread? None of this sits comfortably with me...

hungryfordinner I'm so pleased for you!

So pleased you said all that its really brilliant! And him saying he'd behaved like a dick too! What a relief! I was so worried. I've counselled so many women whose H's did fewer things in a longer time than you went through in this thread, and things went back and forth.... But none of them were able to be so assertive as to say all those things you managed to say then in one go! Not this soon! You are great!!
Don't let up. I may sound mean but it is true, keep the momentum going. I like that he bathes and puts no. 1 son to bed. Does he sing to him?

Sending tons of love.
Elle x

Hi, no I don't know why he'd be on Mumsnet, and he is a technophobe. In fact, he often borrows my iPad and has to ask me my passcode every single time because he can't remember a six digit code