That we can afford the chicken!?

[hungryfordinner]

So I've had an argument with my husband and really need some independent perspective.

We are a family of three - me, husband and toddler

• we own our house outright (paid off last summer)!
• we both earn good salaries- after childcare we have about £5k per month to go towards living and saving. We each get £500 to cover tube transport / mobile / personal expenses, so £4000 is free. We are saving for an overseas home and our child's future. There is plenty in savings if we need it.

And yet- today I realised we had no meat in the fridge aside from some sausages, no vegetables apart from tomatoes; and we only get groceries on a Sunday. Not fancying sausages, I bought some chicken breasts in Sainsbury's for £6, and came home and made dinner for the three of us, using the tomatoes and pasta we already had.

I thought that my husband would be pleased I had dinner ready (Wednesday is my day off; he has Fridays off and never has dinner ready for me when I get home).

Well, he has come home and kicked off big time about me buying the chicken. Apparently we need to make what's in the fridge last a whole week, even if it means pesto pasta or tinned meals. And we shouldn't be eating so much meat.

We spend max £40 on food / nappies (his rule) per week and honestly it's driving me crazy. Yes- some people do this and manage fine. I get this. It's not impossible but it's not fun.

But AIBU to think that since we are in such a fortunate financial position, we can splash out on a bit of mid-week chicken? Why the need to control our existence in such a shitty way?

Wait - while I'm at it- a cleaner. I always said to him I want a cleaner when I am back at work. Our time together is too valuable to waste time cleaning. But nope. Instead I spent at least an hour of my day off cleaning skid marks that his disgusting mate had left in our family bathroom last night, scrubbing the rest of that bathroom down, vacuuming and mopping the ground floor, and doing laundry.

All while trying to entertain a toddler or get him to nap (bloody hard work).

On Saturdays we both do a full clean of the house, either while the child sleeps or if he won't sleep,!we take turns cleaning / entertaining child.

I'm sick of living such a miserly existence when we can well and truly afford to live a little!

Thanks @Ellyess, I hope this is just a blip, but I will be keeping a close eye on him. Yes, he does bathe the baby and sing him songs in his second language.

Wish I could get him to brush the baby's teeth too, but that's down the list of things he needs to fix, so I'm happy to manage the tooth brushing for now..

hungryfordinner
Forgot - Of course when your family is in another country it's a different situation. You must visit them - and more than once a year if you feel the need. No one could condemn a person for going home to see parents and your parents will be desperate to see your little boy as frequently as they can!
Love, Elle x

I don't think he would have been on here as I suspect he would leave a ranting reply as to why he is right and OP is wrong. I suspect it more that he has either had a conversation about how much OP spends on food and other have expressed an opinion that it is very little or he has overheard some conversations about the price of shopping is getting and maybe the reason he has been 'unavailable' for the last few days because has been mulling over his thoughts about food.

hungryfordinner. Yes, blips happen! Get back together and keep the conversation going... ltake from the blip what is useful... and
Please do not deprive yourself of so much of your salary though, you need freedom to make decisions and spending decisions are important too. Also it saddens me a bit that you live on so little while you are young and have a baby. You should be able to enjoy life in a more carefree way while you are young. You have your health, good jobs, lovely baby, it's the time to be really happy. I became disabled later on in life and so, although it sounds pessimistic, I would encourage everyone to enjoy every day as much as they can and do not impose unnecessary hardships on yourselves. I agree with saving. It's good. Just allow yourselves to be together enjoying what life has to offer and each other without needing to worry so much and be quite so conscientious.

Lots of love. I'm going to bed! I'm on medication for pain makes me dopey!
Elle x xo for baby

I would prefer him not to read it. Don't unsettle him too much. Give time for this evening to take root. This may be the start of something better, OP spoke so well.

None of that explains the fine system. Which is just plain financial abuse.

That’s great to hear I hope it stays positive - the fines will be stopping to I hope!

@hungryfordinner that’s brilliant. Well done.

Did you mention the fines?

There are very few threads on MN that shock me anymore. This one has. The fine system is a whole next step up in financial control and abuse. The husband here can spin as much as he likes about it all being environmental concerns. But that simply does not fit with someone who is charging their wife £1 for filling the kettle too full, or £20 for buying chicken mid week.

Tread carefully, OP. Keep your eyes open to what is going on. Don't get sucked into him playing Mr Nice Guy. The next loop of the cycle is ramping up the control again.

Hungry Hi, no I don't know why he'd be on Mumsnet, and he is a technophobe. In fact, he often borrows my iPad and has to ask me my passcode every single time because he can't remember a six digit

Just remember to log out of your MN account whenever necessary. Also delete any notification email from MN re your username and password..

Op are you sure he's asking for your passcode because he cannot remember it or because he's checking you haven't changed it? Are you logging out of all email accounts, banking apps and Mumsnet every time you finish your own session on your iPad?
Please be very careful and beware the wolf in sheep's clothing. Speaking from experience.

I hope the new leaf is a genuine one. Good luck xx

Thanks for the update hungry I have been following this thread from the beginning and I really hope your husband can be reasonable about things in future. Please no more fining you or getting in to a strop over how you want to spend your money/what food you want to eat.

Do people really sit at home and discuss their own carbon footprint? or is this more like Stockholm syndrome?

JustMe70. You are such a wise person! Did someone where he works say something to him maybe?
Even so, I think that Hungry did really well to take the opportunity to say the things she did. I am hoping she will be able to keep up her self-esteem and refuse to live under any other conditions than the ones she chooses for herself. That is, a reasonable and fair life in which she can be happy.

Sometimes coercive people change their rules and start a different tactic, so her H might confuse her by changing the food regime but keep up the pressure on her in another way. But I am hoping for the best. If she can hope for the best but be prepared for the worst then that will be the best she can do.

Also, Sb74, a lot of what Twisted said is wrong, She was hinting that she has some kind of professional knowledge (while cleverly making it seem as if we didn't know a thing and insulting us to boot) when she says "some of us have..." but not saying what her expertise is, which made me wonder if she has actually does have any proper knowledge at all. Anyone who writes:
"Only by understanding his behaviours and it's consequences on you both, does he have any chance of changing them." Is not qualified as a Psychologist at or above degree level. Her statement is completely untrue. It is not at all accepted as correct in Psychiatry, Psychology or mainstream Counselling. Plus the grammar leaves a lot to be desired which means she is hardly likely to write important legal documents or any Professional reports, unless she copies up those of her Boss. She makes an error that sets my teeth on edge and nobody I worked with, for example at The Institute of Psychiatry, would ever do that. She is trying to sound clever. You were too kind to her, she made a lot of nasty scathing insults and sweeping assumptions about us, casting slurs on us while using all the usual cliches that ignorant people throw out to make themselves sound clever. Her attacks were entirely wrong yet when this was pointed out and the truth explained, she complained about people being unkind to her! Please don't believe a word she says. You are far too kind and caring to get sucked in.
OP did really well Monday night. She found her voice and knew her rights. It's the beginning of better things. Either that or a turn-around in her life! Best wishes and lots of love to her!
Hungryfordinner please keep in touch and let us know how things go.

That is abuse.

Be careful. My experience tells me that the easiest way to prevent real change/progress is to admit fault, promise to do better and then simply do nothing. I hope that this isn't the case for you, but do be on the lookout.

But why did he 'fine' you???

Be careful. My experience tells me that the easiest way to prevent real change/progress is to admit fault, promise to do better and then simply do nothing

This.

Ddad was pretty frugal and/or a great saver. He died young. I wish he'd slowed down and had more fun.

He was fit and healthy etc etc. You can't take it with you.

I don't understand how fining you improves his carbon footprint.

Dontdribble, you are so right and sadly I have my suspicions that this is what has happened. Lull poor OP into a false sense of 'he's working with me now' when in fact he isn't. It's placation.

And then he'll likely go back to how he's always been (I hope not, but strongly suspect this will be the case).

When something appears to be incredibly easy when you expected it to be really challenging, that's because it was made easy for you for a reason...

DointItForTheKids Dontdribble

I'm with you both. It is important that the OP has time to go at her pace, I think. I really don't think we can force her to where we are and see things in the way we do, not in this circumstance. Despite the massive number of red flags we recognise and the pattern of behaviour which we can see through, we can't actually tell what is happening. She needs to work through it herself. I just hope she still keeps an eye on the money and house. I hate to be a cynic but years of working in this area teaches me it is best to be very careful and protect your interests. I hope Hungry will let us know how things are going over the next week or so. Time will tell. If she is happy now, let her enjoy that. We will stay in the side-lines to give her support if she asks again.

I hope she will at least keep an open mind and read up on or check out YouTube for the types of behaviour we have pointed out and see if she thinks it's worth keeping in mind.

Don't worry, I am not going to back down if I'm questioned about use of heating / food money again. As for the fines- they started out as "swear jar" fines for leaving a light on or the kitchen door open for example, so I guess he thought I wasn't paying enough attention to those fines so he decided to try £20 when I'd spent too much on food. But as I have said, this will not happen again.

And I've told him that he's more than welcome to cook vegetarian meals, but I haven't seen him make any effort to do that, ever!

I'll be very careful about watching for red flags and won't be backed into a corner over stupid shit anymore!

And I have taken note of the patterns of behaviour that a few of you have identified. It's very interesting and scary how quickly these behaviours can escalate.

Great to hear Hungry and I wish you all the very best .

hungryfordinner. You are doing brilliantly! Wishing you every happiness and plenty of strength if you need it.