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To be glad this apparent new trend of being a martyr has passed me by?
295

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 06:41

I genuinely don’t know if this is a new thing or I just managed to avoid it but lately I’ve heard, read, etc from so many people who are not allowed any sort of life at all because they have a child.
For example
the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

The woman who will never drink orange juice as her son loves it and she wants to make sure that every time he fancies a glass, it’s there

The woman who will not attend a child free family event as it’s mkre important her children know she is always there for them

People who insist that they can’t have, for example, a bar of chocolate when their child isn’t there unless they buy them a bigger bar

All the people who claim they cannot drink a coffee or go for a wee because their child won’t let them

Admittedly my children are older teens/young adults now but I am sure that my entire life didn’t end because they were born. I’m sure I was still a person as well.
When did that become a bad thing?

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TitsAndTomatoes · 27/02/2019 09:21

I have never met people like this. Ever.

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 09:23

I wish people would stop saying I’m misinterpreting what was said
The person in question buys 3 cartons of OJ a week because her child loves it and wants it to always be available to him
No one else is allowed to drink ANY, no one at all. She then ends up throwing away almost a full carton per week as he hasn’t finished it. But NO ONE else is allowed to drink it

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0lgaDaPolga · 27/02/2019 09:24

I have never met anyone who does any of these things. I sometimes don’t manage to drink a coffee while it’s hot because I don’t leave my children to cry while I drink a coffee. I have 2 under 2 so someone always needs something but I don’t think that’s being a martyr it’s being a normal parent.

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 09:25

I just don’t think it’s necessary to make such a drama about stuff like this
Of course your children are the most imperator thing but people seem to think the more the sacrifice themselves and what they need or want, the better parent they are.

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NataliaOsipova · 27/02/2019 09:26

I've known people to turn down child-free events simply because it didn't include their children. Not a childcare issue, just because they went as a family or not at all. Which is nuts to me, I enjoy a good event where I am not being mithered by my kids!

It’s just a personal choice, though, isn’t it. I’m generally not fussed about “events” and would prefer a day out with my kids, so I’ve turned down (politely and without fuss) lots of things where I can’t go with mine. Don’t see that as “martyrdom” in any way though; just politely declined something that wasn’t appealing.

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53rdWay · 27/02/2019 09:29

She then ends up throwing away almost a full carton per week as he hasn’t finished it.

Does she have issues around food or control in other parts of her life? Throwing out in-date food/drink that people in the house want but you’ve decided they can’t have is not a healthy way to act.

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Bumpitybumper · 27/02/2019 09:31

I think we all have different priorities and some parents do place a greater emphasis on their children than others. At the extreme ends of the spectrum is obviously neglect and complete martyrdom, but I think that most parents sit somewhere in the middle and do things that others could perceive to be selfish or a martyr like, however as with most things it just depends on perspective as to when the line is crossed and a situation becomes undesirable.

I also think that some PP don't really understand how different children with different tempraments and challenges can force parents to adapt their parenting style and behaviour to meet the child's needs and quite frankly just get through the day. So many parents hold their toddlers hands or lay with them to get to sleep because the children may not be naturally good sleepers and need extra reassurance to drop off. Anyone that's had a child with sleep issues that have been difficult to resolve will know the absolute fear and dread that surrounds sleep and how a few minutes on a floor holding a hand is a small price to pay versus a night of horrendous sleep. I also know parents that have incredibly anxious or shy children and I can see that these children do need more attention and special focus to get them to engage and join in. I guess superficially some of the things the parents do could be seen as pandering to the child and those unfamiliar with the situation could think the parent had created the problem through their parenting when in actual fact the parenting has been tailored to get the best out of a child that wouldn't do well with a standard approach.

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JustHereForThePooStories · 27/02/2019 09:36

I don’t think it’s all that new a thing.

I remember a local mum back in the 80s proudly telling us all she’d bought a very expensive woman’s skirt because it came with a belt that her 8 year old son had a tantrum because he wanted. She bought the skirt (which wasn’t her style so she wouldn’t wear it) so he could have the belt.

Same boy used to be given the front seat of the car (hey, it was the 80s!) next to his dad, while his mother sat in the back.

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scrappydappydoo · 27/02/2019 09:45

I will confess to being what some people will call a mummy martyr. My dc are early teens. I could count on fingers the number of times that me and dh and left them with someone else outside the family to go out. I struggle because my dm sat me down when I was pg with dc1 and lectured me how my life is not my own anymore and it is irresponsible parenting to leave your dc with ‘strangers’ and it’s just one of those sacrifices you have to make. She really laid it on thick and has continued to do so. In my head I know she’s not right but I have little confidence in my parenting and I am terrified of getting it wrong and people judging me. I’ve never made a big song and dance about it - I just politely decline invitations and quietly get on with it. It’s only recently now my dc are older that I’ve started to question it but it’s become so ingrained it’s difficult to change.
What I’m trying to say is that what appears bonkers on the surface might have a background and be so ingrained that even the ‘martyr’ might not recognise what they’re doing.

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lisamac28 · 27/02/2019 09:48

Wow OP. You must attract these kind of people. I've never known anyone do or say the things you have highlighted

So what about all the people on the thread that agree with OP and have also known similar parents? How dare you dismiss everyone just because you haven't come across someone like the OP describes.

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Fatted · 27/02/2019 09:51

I think you need new friends OP.

The only one I can actually relate to in anyway is the hair colour one. My eldest is a redhead, the only one in the family. I'm quite conscious of making sure he is confident about his hair and appearance. I wouldn't go to the extremes of colouring my own hair look like his. But I do think if I had the same hair as his, it would be a bit hypocritical to tell him to accept himself while changing my own hair.

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Brilliantidiot · 27/02/2019 09:54

This is parents, who don’t want to deal with disappointed / upset children.

I witnessed this first hand with my sister. She was PFB of my step dad and mum's second child but as she was born 'the right side of the ring' and I wasn't things were so different. They laid with her to get her to sleep and she was never, ever told no - when told no by someone else it just didn't compute, still doesn't. Anything dropped immediately to satisfy her wants - and still happens now with DM.
My brother,born a year later, on the other hand was an 'accident' and was pretty much left to his own devices! I don't mean he was neglected but he certainly didn't have the same level of attention, because my sister sapped it all.
My brother and I are very similar, both work in customer facing, little over minimum wage jobs and are fairly laid back, independent and happy with our own company. We're middle of the road people.
My sister is incredibly driven, was a straight A student across the board, successful in sports up to uni level, has a master's degree and a fantastic job. But she is utterly dependant emotionally (I think that's what I mean) she can't be alone for more than half an hour without getting anxious and is hard work as she's so demanding sometimes. She dominates any family occasion and is genuinely unable to understand a pov not her own and won't let it go
Of course parenting may not account for all these things, personality plays a part, but on the one hand you have a very successful woman who is only going up, but who can't stay in her own house if her partner isn't home for more than a couple of hours, and two less successful but far more independent siblings.
I know that she was brought up to believe that she's the most important person in the world - she absolutely was to her parents - but I think they did her a disservice and took it too far, I also think that with a bit more parenting like she had, my brother and I could maybe have been different too.

I like to think I've struck a balance and that my DD knows I'm absolutely there, 100% when she needs me and I will put her needs first, where they conflict. However I also think she knows I'm a person with thoughts and feelings and needs and wants, and that she accepts that. She's certainly more independent in her teens than my sister is now, but she knows I'm there behind her, if she needs me.

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Brilliantidiot · 27/02/2019 09:56

Reading that back it sounds like I hate my sister - I really don't, I'm incredibly proud of her and she is a wonderful person. It's an observation of different parenting styles in the same family and the outcome.

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Jebuschristchocolatebar · 27/02/2019 09:59

Op I know several people like this including my friend who doesn’t allow hot drinks in the house around the baby unless they are consumed in a travel mug with a tight lid. I feel like I am drinking my tea from a sippy cup. Her 6 year old also has reins and a buggy and is not allowed to attend rugby or Gaelic football training or any team sports in case it’s too rough

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BrinkPink · 27/02/2019 10:00

I've met people like this. Who won't let anything happen to their chid that might upset them even slightly. I think this is behind a lot of the parents who won't say no to their child or tell them not to do something - they're scared of upsetting them. One friend told me she couldn't bear it if her kids cried so she'd do anything to avoid it. They were 3 and 2 at the time! She once sat and waited an hour for her 3yo to come in the front door, because she didn't want to upset her if she didn't want to.

Also know someone who is unable to stop her kids having what they want "she'll just climb up and get it" (and she did!). But ultimately I think she's just scared to be "mean" and make her child sad.

I think we have recognised that a lot of the physical violence and cruelty to children that went on in the past were not OK, and that they should be treated with respect. But some people take that way too far and think that means you can't ever do something a child doesn't like. But life does involve negatives, like running out of juice or having to go out because you've got an appointment. If kids can't deal with that they're in for a shock when they grow up.

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The80sweregreat · 27/02/2019 10:04

It must be a new trend as i dont recall being like this at all! mine are older now though - i didnt drink alcohol when they were babies but only because i didnt want to and i certainly used to get some hi lights done when they were at school, they probably didnt even notice my hair or its colour.

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MrsKoala · 27/02/2019 10:07

All the people who claim they cannot drink a coffee or go for a wee because their child won’t let them

As pp have said this is more a getting interrupted thing than a not allowed thing. When I had 3 under 4/5 I often made a cup of tea and forgot about it because people were crying/had done a poo etc. The toilet thing still happens that when I go upstairs they follow me and check what i'm doing and want to look in the toilet to check! Confused

I have only just started showering when i'm home with the kids (youngest now 2) because the shower is bloody miles away from where they are playing and I couldn't trust them to be alone without me and if the baby was napping it would be guaranteed the moment I got my hair wet she'd start crying. And we have never let our children cry. I know others do and good for them but I feel quite panicky and like my head will explode if they cry for more than a few minutes.

My Mum and Dad would also never have left me to cry , so I don't think that is a new thing.

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BrinkPink · 27/02/2019 10:07

I do totally agree kids are different and some need more TLC and attention - that's true of my DD. I've also been through periods where they couldn't fall asleep without me there. But you can still try to work towards more independence and recognition of others' needs too.

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Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/02/2019 10:08

OP I get you...I am currently seething at the new woman who has come to work at our place.She is the martyr to end all martyrs! Her son who is 13 is left to rule the roost in their house according to her,She is not allowed a drink of alcohol ever,she has to hand over her mobile phone every evening to him so he can see who she talks to,they cannot go on holiday cos he wont fly,she is not allowed a boyfriend,she dances to his every tune and she loves it.The list gets longer of what she cant do and he sets new rules every day and she dutifully follows them.I listen to this constant shite and shake my head in wonder and disgust,The latest was he had a crease in his bedding and at midnight he asked her to change his bed to an uncreased one and the muppet did! There has to be mental illness at play here somewhere either the boy or the pathetic mother I dont know which,,,Her life is crap and she revels in it with sweeping statements like "he is my life" The more the bizarre request from this child the more she moans and the more she facilitates it,He is my best friend she says ...I want to say grow up and parent ...stop being best friends and raise your son right but she is as daft as he is so I scream internally but have to say I am sick of hearing the new daily quota of woe is me.....its pathetic

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Birdsgottafly · 27/02/2019 10:10

When I had my first, in the 80's, I lived in a deprived area.

There was little disposable income and rarely any of it went on the Mother, in the family. But they smoked and drank. I liked make-up and clothes.

That led to daily comments about how "they'd never spend that much on themselves". How they wouldn't spend the time to put make-up on, not when they had cleaning to do etc.

I'm glad things have moved on in that respect.

But I still meet Mums who use a lack of sleep as a badge of honour and not just because they've got bad sleepers.

I think it's a symptom of needing to appear as close to perfect as they can, which isn't a good way to live.

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AliceLiddel · 27/02/2019 10:11

I've never heard any of this, sorry OP

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Nickpan · 27/02/2019 10:12

"I've read threads on here that say things like you describe OP so I don't quite understand the responses!"

But it's the mums net way to turn on the OP! :)

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Sindragosan · 27/02/2019 10:13

Balance is important. I've regularly had company in the toilet and have given out the odd biscuit for 5 minutes of peace (particularly with medical appointments), but work hard to teach about sharing, other people having choices etc.

It's hard to consistently do everything the way you'd like, and if you've already had several battles over sharing etc, it's easier to say yes, come to the loo with me rather than an extra 5 minutes crying in an already long day.

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INeedNewShoes · 27/02/2019 10:13

I've come across scenarios that I think fit OP's 'trend'

A friend who if we eat something nice when her children are at school harps on about what a shame it is to eat this when little Topsy and Tim aren't there to share it. Can't we just enjoy it without everything having to relate back to the kids?

And a mum who hasn't had an evening out in five years because she 'has to' BF her youngest to sleep (and did the same with the eldest who is now 5).

I think these are the sorts of things we're talking about and I agree that it's a bit precious.

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chilledteacher · 27/02/2019 10:13

Your friend is doing chocolate wrong. What you do is buy two bars-one for yourself there and then and another bigger one to share with the whole family including yourself later on

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