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To be glad this apparent new trend of being a martyr has passed me by?
295

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 06:41

I genuinely don’t know if this is a new thing or I just managed to avoid it but lately I’ve heard, read, etc from so many people who are not allowed any sort of life at all because they have a child.
For example
the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

The woman who will never drink orange juice as her son loves it and she wants to make sure that every time he fancies a glass, it’s there

The woman who will not attend a child free family event as it’s mkre important her children know she is always there for them

People who insist that they can’t have, for example, a bar of chocolate when their child isn’t there unless they buy them a bigger bar

All the people who claim they cannot drink a coffee or go for a wee because their child won’t let them

Admittedly my children are older teens/young adults now but I am sure that my entire life didn’t end because they were born. I’m sure I was still a person as well.
When did that become a bad thing?

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Damntheman · 27/02/2019 07:42

I'm fairly sure there have been 'Mummy Martyrs' in every generation of mothers. It's oddly competitive.. This generation is no different, but that doesn't mean that the majority of us aren't (mostly) sane.

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LuvSmallDogs · 27/02/2019 07:43

Weirdly enough (though I don’t think I’m who you’ve spoken to) I have decided not to colour my hair because my older DSs share it with me and I don’t want them to think it’s bad.

We’re ginger. My own mum used to take the piss out of my hair, everyone at school did and I dyed it for years cos I thought everyone was right. My sons have had strangers say it’s a shame they’re ginger, and a group of teens shouted “ginger wankstains” over and over once. A three and four year old FFS.

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youarenotkiddingme · 27/02/2019 07:44

Oh I've met people like in your post.

Their kids are now teens and all of them are struggling in secondary school to the point out of the 5 kids (3 different families) 3 don't attend school due to anxiety, 1 is excluded and stays home on internet all day (parent won't remove internet from them because they'd be bored Hmm) and 1 attends school FT, is always out in detention and mum always tries to argue them.

Don't get me wrong I know plenty of kids struggle with school etc (has my own issues with ds who has asd) but this is issues such as not being able to understand rules apply to everyone - including them - type issues.

It's heartbreaking and I could see it coming since the kids were toddlers Sad

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YogaWannabe · 27/02/2019 07:44

I can kind of relate to your post, some of the points are definitely on the OTT scale but you only have to glance into some of those awful “mummy pages” on Facebook to see the competitive martyrdom!
Sure I was buying my DD socks and there was a woman agonizing over which would be more comfortable for her DD, really stressing out. But of course there could be valid reason behind that but I do witness the kind of thing you mean OP.

It’s either competitive not giving a shit or absolutely OTT imo

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Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 07:45

downcasteyes I totally agree a race to prove who is willing to go without more for their kids.

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MeYouWye · 27/02/2019 07:46

I must admit I held it in recently rather than drag my daughter in a public loo as she was so terrified of the hand dryer. I don't share my chocolate with her at all though, so I hope that balances it out.

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Heybreya · 27/02/2019 07:47

Hair colour example - great idea, love it. Why should we feel the need to dye our hair? Men don't.

Orange juice and chocolate example - no one does this. If you are using real examples here then you have misunderstood or are missing out vital context.

Child free family event - you are likely missing out vital context with this one

Not drinking tea/ going to toilet alone - that's life with a toddler. What do you suggest? Staple them to a wall?

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MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2019 07:49

I can understand the anxiety around hot drinks as we had a paramedic teaching us first aid locally who told us about a call out to a house where a baby had grabbed its mother’s arm whilst she drank tea. They arrived to see skin from its face around its neck. Such an everyday think with awful consequences. We just asked that people refrained from drinking hot drinks whilst holding her or made sure it was to the side etc so it wouldn’t spill on her if knocked but you were allowed hot drinks. Although DH and I don’t really drink them anyway unless we have a cold.

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sagradafamiliar · 27/02/2019 07:50

I can easily see what you mean. The going to the loo one/sitting down for a cuppa one has been around since before I had children and I've never understood it personally. Same for the rest, some people just want to paint themselves as martyrs over anything I suppose.

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JasonGideon · 27/02/2019 07:50

Obviously 🙄 @Sirzy

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Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 07:51

Hair colour example - great idea, love it. Why should we feel the need to dye our hair? Men don't.

You are missing the point. If you dont want to dye your hair, dont. But doing not it when you want to incase your child internalises self hatred is ridiculous. And men do. I work in an office about 600. There are over 100 on my floor. Loads of men dye their hair for many reasons.

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Giraffetower · 27/02/2019 07:51

I do think there is an element of public competitive martyrdom, and there are also the ones who mistake Attachment Parenting for "fulfilling their child's every whim"

e.g.
I remember a thread on MN where one lady was actually lying on the floor so that her DD could sleep holding her mum's hand.
Apparently the mum used a teddy to piss on as she badly needed the loo. ( no SEN - she just didn't want to move as it would upset the child?! Confused)

I remember thinking a) how gross and b) WTF is she teaching that child? That other people's basic needs are unimportant compared to her own??

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MRex · 27/02/2019 07:52

I agree with @AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo that you've probably got the wrong end of the stick with some of these OP. People did that with the recent wedding thread, confusing not wanting nor being able to leave a 2 year old for 5 days with whether a 2 year old would remember a the wedding. Likewise on going for a wee, if I get up before DS finishes his early morning feed then he'll wake up for the day - or I can wait ten minutes to get him back to sleep, wee and get 1.5 hours more in bed; it's rough when I'm desperate to wee but I prioritise sleep. It's a choice that doesn't make me a "martyr" either way. Your friends may have explanations that would surprise you; it's better not to assume you know what's going on in all cases.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2019 07:54

Yoga
That could be due to sensory processing issues. Dd has mild issues but improving with age. There was an incident, which led to her being very anxious and struggling at school she was very rigid in what she would wear - only one school blouse, two skirts. To avoid school refusal, I bought the next size skirt up and washed it loads so she couldn’t tell. It was very stressful.

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RiverTam · 27/02/2019 07:54

It's Auntie Tantrums! How's that adorable little scamp you looked after for a weekend - one if my favourite ever threads! hope I don't have the wrong poster

Ivee not seen it so extreme but I can well imagine some of it and may have been guilty of the odd thing myself

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MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2019 07:55

the mum used a teddy to piss on as she badly needed the loo

😂 Are teddy’s particular absorbent?

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YouBumder · 27/02/2019 07:59

I agree that context is everything but the OP has explained the context of her examples, as it’s people she knows. Of course there are times when doing all of these things around kids aren’t a good idea but not if the reason is because you’re wanting your child to think the world revolves around them and they must never be subject to any inconvenience or disappointment ever.

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Aberforthsgoat · 27/02/2019 07:59

I know a few people like this @tantrumsandballoons including mums who say they cant shower/put the kettle on because the kids won’t let them

But I’m not allowed to comment because I don’t have kids Grin

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PositiveVibez · 27/02/2019 08:00

Wow OP. You must attract these kind of people. I've never known anyone do or say the things you have highlighted.

Certainly not in my circle of friends/acquaintances anyway.

Bizarre

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 08:00

@heybreya are you for real? No one does this? I’ve had a conversation with some one who routinely throws out cartons of orange juice because no one in the house is allowed to drink it in case her child wants some
I also know someone who if she buys a “treat” for lunch, has to buy a better treat to take home for her child
The child free event was my nans funeral. The 2 year old in question is unable to sit still, like an average 2 year old, and is prone to screaming and shouting, again as an average 2 year old. My sister feels her child should be able to express themselves freely and will never intervene so didn’t want to bring them as she felt they would be unwelcome and people with no idea of how children behave would be judgemental and make her and her child sad. She couldn’t leave the child with her DP as apparently her child needs to know she is always there for them and will always stay with them regardless

Enough context?

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Aberforthsgoat · 27/02/2019 08:00

@heybreya curious how do you know nobody does this?
I’m always surprised when posters state this as though they 100% know for fact when that is quite frankly impossible.

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tisonlymeagain · 27/02/2019 08:02

I've known people to turn down child-free events simply because it didn't include their children. Not a childcare issue, just because they went as a family or not at all. Which is nuts to me, I enjoy a good event where I am not being mithered by my kids!

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downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 08:04

I really hate this thing of denying that someone else's experience is real. Just because you don't happen to have noticed something does not mean it doesn't happen. Your consciousness may appear godlike to you, but I'm afraid it does not encompass the entirety of reality.

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SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 27/02/2019 08:07

I'm not a mummy martyr and none of my friends are (that I know of) the not eating fruit thing is bat shit crazy,in a sane world surely the fruit is for the whole family Confused

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53rdWay · 27/02/2019 08:17

There might be more context to some of these? For example, I’ve put off showering with a small scream clingy baby because it was either

  • short shower now with yelling baby in background,
  • long shower now with yelling baby that would also puke all over itself and need cleaning up and calm down again,
  • wait till DH got home then have long shower in peace and quiet.
    And I like my long peaceful showers!

    Likewise with hot drinks - somtimes people are afraid of scalding a young child who is clingy/bouncy and doesn’t know better, especially if they’ve seen burns/scalds happen before. Overcautious maybe, but the logic is still “don’t harm the child” not “I don’t deserve coffee until little Jacintha’s naptime.”
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