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To be glad this apparent new trend of being a martyr has passed me by?
295

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 06:41

I genuinely don’t know if this is a new thing or I just managed to avoid it but lately I’ve heard, read, etc from so many people who are not allowed any sort of life at all because they have a child.
For example
the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

The woman who will never drink orange juice as her son loves it and she wants to make sure that every time he fancies a glass, it’s there

The woman who will not attend a child free family event as it’s mkre important her children know she is always there for them

People who insist that they can’t have, for example, a bar of chocolate when their child isn’t there unless they buy them a bigger bar

All the people who claim they cannot drink a coffee or go for a wee because their child won’t let them

Admittedly my children are older teens/young adults now but I am sure that my entire life didn’t end because they were born. I’m sure I was still a person as well.
When did that become a bad thing?

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sagradafamiliar · 27/02/2019 10:15

It's the going on about it that makes people martyrs. There is no martyrdom unless everyone knows about it. Tbf, if 'mummy' martyrs didn't have kids, they'd be martyrs to their friends, parents, in the workplace ect. Some people are just like that.

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Streamside · 27/02/2019 10:15

What about the people who bring their children to a wake,stay all day and expect strangers to stop their children from entering the bedroom with the coffin. Apparently it was to lighten the mood because people like to see children at a wake. It didn't matter that a young mother and stepmother had died and left a family bereft.

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TheFaerieQueene · 27/02/2019 10:16

There are some batshit crazy people out there. I can quite believe these conversations, though thankfully I haven’t ever encountered this sort of batshittery personally.

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Sizeofalentil · 27/02/2019 10:16

Going to admit… I'm a toilet martyr. Have not had an unaccompanied wee for 14 months. If I try I get little hands under the door, reaching for me, or have to pee to the background music of a child shrieking in indignant fury (or a suspicious silence which means she's got in to the sudacrem and decorated the lounge/ cat again).

Figuring it might be useful to have an audience now we're coming up to toilet training age as she's seen how much mummy loves sitting on the loo.

Am also a childcare martyr - we don't have childcare or family help. And as an introvert I don't want to go anywhere enough to deal with the faff of hiring and paying for a babysitter at this stage. Also, I'm so bloody tired that things like bottomless prosecco brunches and boozy gigs would be an instrument of torture.

I'm hoping it'll all change in a few years, but right now, am enjoying wallowing in my martyr status.

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Chickenitalia · 27/02/2019 10:16

Ah yes, competitive martyrdom and performance parenting. There was one mum like this when dd9 was small, her pfb could be denied nothing, was ‘spirited’ not naughty, every tiny interaction was a (very loud) learning opportunity. She literally had no life due to the demands of her very highly strung child and was constantly doing the poor me routine, despite having a very hands on partner and plenty of opportunity that others could see. The child is now truly horrible and demanding (I don’t say that lightly) and it has done her no favours. The mum doesn’t appear to have many friends either, it’s a shame really. I couldn’t take being made to feel so bad as a parent due to my lack of helicoptering at all times, and clearly no one else could either. Im not sure about it being a trend but I certainly recognise your experience there op.

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 10:17

It’s not a good way to live, no one is a perfect parent and I just think there a some people who make a life trying to be the perfect parent at the expense of their own self. At some point your children are going to grow up and leave home and I would imagine it’s very difficult if you have spent the last 18 years making sure your own wishes, needs, wants, means nothing at all

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The80sweregreat · 27/02/2019 10:18

sometimes you just have to say no to your children, it helps them learn that the world does not revolve around them all the time and where the boundaries are( in a good way of course)
I put some lipstick on once and my son went ' that looks horrible mum' i just shrugged and said. ' well, i like it' and that was that! its a small thing and his entitled to his opinion, but i'm entitled to wear it if i want to as well! its all about common sense sometimes.

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StoppinBy · 27/02/2019 10:23

I'd rather be a Martyr than a judgey B*h to be fair.

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MsJuniper · 27/02/2019 10:24

This seems very odd, I don't know anyone who thinks like that. I can see how a few of those could be told as wry anecdotes (as in, "you won't believe what I did for DS last week, it must be lack of sleep" or told without drama - I've let my natural colour grow back after having dd, partly for financial reasons but I've also realised it's a nice colour. And of course there are times you might hold on for a wee or let your coffee go cold because of a sleeping/teething baby. Maybe some of these have happened and it's creating an exaggerated picture?

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AnguasDogCollar · 27/02/2019 10:26

Yabu to think this is a new trend! I've a couple of elderly relatives who were mummy martyrs, then grandparent martyrs, and one currently revelling in great-grandparent martyrdom. They seem to enjoy it!

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lisamac28 · 27/02/2019 10:27

I know someone who when she had her 2nd child, let her 4yo DD, dictate to her Grandad that he wasn't 'allowed' to see the new baby.The poor man had to sit out on the stairs with 4yo when he visited...4 adults around this child allowed that to happen, the 2 parents and 2 grandparents. It went on for months and no-one thought to help the DD deal with her jealousy.

Same parent when in my house, was leaving to go to an appointment. She asked the DD to put her jacket on...DD completely ignored the mother and carried on playing, totally dismissing her and laughing at her. This went on for about half an hour and made her late for her appointment. This girl is now 12 and is in counselling for anxiety.

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lisamac28 · 27/02/2019 10:31

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

Shock I think that might be the worst I've ever heard. She sounds absolutely pathetic.

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UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/02/2019 10:34

I once organised an all expenses paid work trip to Alton Towers. Two mothers refused to go because they couldn't have that much fun without their children.

Confused

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Leighhalfpennysthigh · 27/02/2019 10:37

her child should be able to express themselves freely and will never intervene so didn’t want to bring them as she felt they would be unwelcome and people with no idea of how children behave would be judgemental and make her and her child sad

Yep. I know someone like this. The said child is now late teens and has no social skills, qualifications or job because their parents have never taught them how to fit into society and they have had everything they want. Their plan now is to find someone to marry and take over looking after them.

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partnership21 · 27/02/2019 10:44

I have met martyrs throughout my life and I have no time for them. Like the work colleague who insisted she never had time to eat lunch as she was so busy. I took my lunch break and was no busier than her, but I also did not spend time as my colleague did, constantly moaning about how busy she was to anyone around.
Some people seem to enjoy putting themselves in the poor me box. Baffles me though.

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JustHereForThePooStories · 27/02/2019 11:00

Anyone watching Homes Under the Hammer on BBC1? Couple have bought a house to renovate and include their two young sons (ages maybe 8 and 10?) on the project. Big discussion about how it’s their inheritance and they can either establish careers in property development or will be left a house each.

Boys are telling Martin all about what colours they chose and vetoed in the bathroom. Parents looking on like dribbling mugs.

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HoppityFrog3 · 27/02/2019 11:05

@TantrumsAndBalloons

Never heard of ANYthing like what you describe in my life. Confused

Are you in some kind of bizarre cult OP?

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bebeboeuf · 27/02/2019 11:13

Reading this thread my first thought is 'I totally have experienced people like this'.

Then I realised that I don't eat as much fruit as I used to since finding my toddler loves certain fruit.
It's so nice that he eats something and will ask for more that I stop myself from eating it.

I think this thread has made me realise I've been a martyr without realising it and I will go and eat that fruit!

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JumpOrBePushed · 27/02/2019 11:13

I think there’s been martyrish people around forever. The mums martyring themselves for their DC in this way would doubtless be finding another cause to martyr themselves to if they didn’t have children.

I think that going to such lengths to avoid children being inconvenienced in any way is unhealthy for all concerned.

I do also think that a lot of your scenarios could be seen differently depending on the context.

I stopped drinking hot drinks around my DC altogether for a few years - DS2 went through a lengthy phase of lunging at every cup he saw and trying to dunk his whole hand in it. That’s annoying when it comes to cold drinks, and scary when it comes to hot ones. The stress of having to watch him like a hawk around cups of tea completely outweighed any benefit I was getting from drinking the tea within his sight. But I did sometimes stick CBeebies on for a bit so I could disappear into the kitchen (closed off by a stair gate) and drink a cup of tea safely.

And saving a child’s favourite food / drink for a child makes a lot of sense in a family with a very tight food budget, or a family where the child has severe issues around food and will only eat a handful of different things. (not the case with your friend, I know.)

Although this - ”The woman who will not attend a child free family event as it’s mkre important her children know she is always there for them“ - if someone gave me that as a reason for them not attending a child free event, I’d perceive it as an attempt to emotionally blackmail the host into inviting the child, rather than someone being a mummy martyr.

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keepforgettingmyusername · 27/02/2019 11:19

Maybe the orange juice lady has a family full of greedy pigs who will drink it all within hours leaving none for the youngest if left to it. I've banned DH from drinking DS oat milk for this reason. He would just drink it all and not bother to replace it.

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keepforgettingmyusername · 27/02/2019 11:22

And as for going out, I decline invitations mainly because I don't want to pay for a babysitter for someone else's event, or I don't want to inconvenience a family member by getting them to babysit or worse, asking them and if they didn't want to how awkward would that be.

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Frenchmom · 27/02/2019 11:22

How do people know if their friends throw away a carton of orange juice a week? I have no idea what food my friends buy or what they throw away.

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/02/2019 11:24

Ha! Yes, I was a bit gobsmacked when we were visiting friends in the States and their toddler daughter got to choose which restaurant we were going to for dinner. She also had an afternoon nap and everyone else in the house had to go for a nap at the same time so that she wouldn't feel she was missing out on anything.

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NannyRed · 27/02/2019 11:32

I’ve never known anyone act like this. Are these examples of several different - -weirdos— friends or all the same person?

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cantbearsed1 · 27/02/2019 11:32

Frenchmom Martyrs tell you what they do to be martyrs. It is part of the syndrome. No true martyr keeps quiet about their sacrifices.

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