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To be glad this apparent new trend of being a martyr has passed me by?
295

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 06:41

I genuinely don’t know if this is a new thing or I just managed to avoid it but lately I’ve heard, read, etc from so many people who are not allowed any sort of life at all because they have a child.
For example
the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

The woman who will never drink orange juice as her son loves it and she wants to make sure that every time he fancies a glass, it’s there

The woman who will not attend a child free family event as it’s mkre important her children know she is always there for them

People who insist that they can’t have, for example, a bar of chocolate when their child isn’t there unless they buy them a bigger bar

All the people who claim they cannot drink a coffee or go for a wee because their child won’t let them

Admittedly my children are older teens/young adults now but I am sure that my entire life didn’t end because they were born. I’m sure I was still a person as well.
When did that become a bad thing?

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Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2019 07:19

I have stopped highlighting my hair blonde to my prepregnancy colour. The fashion is darker these days and dd is light brown. I still colour it to hide greys but I match my natural colour, which I’m more comfortable with these days. I like having more similar hair colour to dd, who doesn’t look much like me. I have no desire to make us look less alike. That’s about me, not her.

Bonkers to do these things because you don’t want to upset your child !

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Spudlet · 27/02/2019 07:20

I don't tend to go for a wee alone, but that's because I have a toddler and a dog, and only an idiot would leave those unsupervised and together. So one or both generally have to come too. I would quite like to go for a wee alone, but I like having a toddler with a face and a dog that hasn't been put down even more, so 🤷‍♀️

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BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 27/02/2019 07:21

I knew someone who wouldnt eat any fruit at home in case "little one" (nearly 12 yr old boy) wanted some.

So these are not odd claims. Ive come across a few of them.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2019 07:24

Further to my last post. This is parents, who don’t want to deal with disappointed / upset children. I once called up to wish a 5 yo relation happy birthday only to be told they were telling him it was another day so as not to upset him - his friends were coming to visit and for a party on x day apparently and that day became his birthday. Ffs, ridiculous idea and thanks for the heads up. It’s the world backwards.

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YouBumder · 27/02/2019 07:25

I've read threads on here that say things like you describe OP so I don't quite understand the responses!

Yes, me too, and also ones making similar points to the OP ie that children seem to be cosseted and never inconvenienced at all ever.

I’ve never taken my kids to the toilet with me and if I want to eat or drink something I will. It does them no harm at all to realise that certain things are for adults and it’s ok for me to have them and them not.

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teyem · 27/02/2019 07:26

I'd presume the not eating food/ drink in favour of their children was a money thing? I think reserving fruit and orange juice, the examples on this thread, if it's limited due to finances is a kind thing to do and certainly doesn't deserve scorn.

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YouBumder · 27/02/2019 07:28

Oh wow, well done to you for putting yourself first above your kids.

And this is the kind of arseholish response from someone who does pander to their kids in this way. Having a bar of chocolate or dyeing your hair does not mean you are “putting yourself above your kids”

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 07:30

Just to clarify these are all real conversations had with people at work, my sister, a woman in the queue in the bank, and several friends
I’m not talking about people who’s children follow them to the bathroom, I’m talking about my friend who has a toddler who will NOT go to the toilet until her son is asleep. Or someone at work who won’t drink a hot drink at home ever in case it spills. And no one else is allowed one either
Or my sister who didn’t go to my nana s funeral because she didn’t want to leave her 2 year old with her DP because we all need to understand that her child needs to know he’s the most important thing in the world and she won’t go where he can’t

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 07:31

As for putting myself above my kids. Well if that means I can buy a cake for my lunch and not have to buy 3 others because I feel guilty, I’m good with that thanks

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 07:34

The orange juice is not a money thing. They buy 3 cartons a week and end up throwing at least one away as the child is the only one allowed it

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Barbarafromblackpool · 27/02/2019 07:35

I eat biscuits infront of my children and they don’t get any...

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BlackCatSleeping · 27/02/2019 07:35

the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

Is her hair red? Or black? Unfortunately some hair colors or styles are looked down on. I can see how if a woman has red hair or (for example) naturally kinky black hair that she might want to set an example to her daughter that these hair colors are not to be looked down.

Also, for working mums especially, weekends are really important family time, so I can imagine that mums might not want to spend child-free time with friends.

I don't think it's about being a martyr. Just different people have different priorities.

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kaytee87 · 27/02/2019 07:37

You know some weird people. (The person saying about coffee/toilet was probably joking).
The child drinking all the orange juice is going to end up with rotten teeth.

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brookshelley · 27/02/2019 07:38

There was a thread a few weeks ago with loads of MNers saying they do not drink alcohol EVER in case their child wakes up needing to go to A&E, because how would they drive if they had been drinking.

I was honestly baffled by that one but many people claim to be teetotal for this specific reason.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2019 07:38

Your sister is very disrespectful. Your parent must have been upset. And why couldn’t she take the 2 yo?

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YouBumder · 27/02/2019 07:39

Also, for working mums especially, weekends are really important family time, so I can imagine that mums might not want to spend child-free time with friends.

Not here, I’m delighted when I get an excuse to leave the bloody bickering and go out without them. Doesn’t happen often sadly but it’s certainly not because I’m prioritising it as “precious family time”.

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pictish · 27/02/2019 07:40

Mummy martyrs. You do get them...and many of them post on here.

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LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 27/02/2019 07:40

I definately do have sweeties when DS isn’t here. That child had bat ears ‘what are you eaaaaating, mummy?’

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Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 07:40

BlackCatSleeping I am a ginger. I have also dyed my hair black when I am bored. Never been looked down on for either.

I also work full time and can manage to have some time away from my kids. If you work theres no reason you have to spend every minute of every weekend with your kids. I don't know anyone who does.

Living your life so your kids avoid disappointment, isn't healthy for the kids either. They will get disappointed at some point.

If you are doing these things because it makes you happy, fair enough. If you are doing these things in case you slightly disappoint your child or think you child wont believe you are there for them, if you have a few hours away. You aren't doing them or yourself any favours.

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PeppermintCactus · 27/02/2019 07:40

I don't think it's about being a martyr. Just different people have different priorities.

Yes, or even saving other people hassle. I have two energetic DSs, one is 4 and still a bit toddler-unreasonable at times. I wouldn't expect someone else (e.g. my mum) to give up half (or all, if it was far away) their weekend to look after them single handed so DH and I could attend a childfree wedding, and I don't have the money to pay someone.

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Sirzy · 27/02/2019 07:41

There are certain foods I wouldn’t eat if it meant if would be finished before I got to the shops again - because ds has such a restricted diet there is no way I am leaving him without a safe food just because I fancy something.

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lottielady · 27/02/2019 07:41

Someone I know had a toddler who would stand up in her cot and yell ‘Mummy floor!’ The mum would then dutifully get out of bed and go and sleep on the child’s floor, holding her hand through the bars of the cot.
This carried on through her second pregnancy.
Mad.

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downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 07:41

I think there's a certain kind of competitiveness about this - a kind of "I love my kids more than you do, and I prove it by going the extra mile in all of these small ways. I AM SUCH A GREAT PARENT!".

It's ridiculous. I mean, the orange juice one is crazy - just buy enough juice for both of you, woman.

I am not convinced it does a kid good to be treated like they are some kind of prince or princess. The world isn't like that, and it's important that they get used to (small, managed, supported amounts of) failure and disappointment as part of the growing process.

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Damntheman · 27/02/2019 07:42

@BalloonSlayer She sounds insufferable! LOL! I used to eat my dinner at 9pm pre-kids because then I could chill out a bit first. Now I have kids I HAVE to eat it at 5pm so they don't rage out and I miss my 9pm leisure dinner :p What a nutbag.

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LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 27/02/2019 07:42

My mum once did dye her hair red as all us kids had red hair and she fancied a change (she was naturally blonde).

I don’t think it’s being a martyr - sometimes it’s a case of avoiding tantrums, strops and grumpy kids or just licking your battles.

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