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To be glad this apparent new trend of being a martyr has passed me by?
295

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 06:41

I genuinely don’t know if this is a new thing or I just managed to avoid it but lately I’ve heard, read, etc from so many people who are not allowed any sort of life at all because they have a child.
For example
the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

The woman who will never drink orange juice as her son loves it and she wants to make sure that every time he fancies a glass, it’s there

The woman who will not attend a child free family event as it’s mkre important her children know she is always there for them

People who insist that they can’t have, for example, a bar of chocolate when their child isn’t there unless they buy them a bigger bar

All the people who claim they cannot drink a coffee or go for a wee because their child won’t let them

Admittedly my children are older teens/young adults now but I am sure that my entire life didn’t end because they were born. I’m sure I was still a person as well.
When did that become a bad thing?

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Mumbunsandhuns · 27/02/2019 08:17

I really really don’t understand the not eating/drinking certain things one? That’s so weird!

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teyem · 27/02/2019 08:17

Tbf, downcast, the lack of having seen this "mummy martyrdom" to this extreme in action, does go some way to throw doubt on the thread title assertion that it is a trend.

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oohyoudevilyou · 27/02/2019 08:17

I've not come across any of those scenarios. When we turn down invites to child-free weddings, it's simply because we haven't got anyone to look after the kids. Orange juice and chocolate rations are shared or on a first-past-the-post basis (and I am fast!).

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LuckyLou7 · 27/02/2019 08:20

mum used a teddy to piss on

WTF? In what world would that be deemed normal behaviour?

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Bluesheep8 · 27/02/2019 08:21

I've never heard anyone say any of those things. Ever.

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PeggySuehadababy · 27/02/2019 08:22

Plenty of mummy martyrdom. I have heard quite a few times people saying:" I haven't been out for dinner since my DC were born! That's because I know what I was getting into when I decided to have kids"

Or all those cringe worthy facebook posts, how a woman looks before and after kids (the after kids is completely haggard). There's a page called Sanctimommy for those who refuse to believe.

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/02/2019 08:29

It may be that I’ve just noticed it and it was always a thing
In the last 3 weeks I’ve heard all of the things in my OP so that’s what made me think maybe this is a new thing 😳

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Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 08:40

It is common op. You see it on mn, so dont why since mners pretend it doesnt happen.

I have had a friend who wont go out if her 2 kids tell her not to. Suffice to say many people lost contact with her because she would let people down at the last minute all the time.

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EveryYouEveryMe · 27/02/2019 08:41

I remember we had ice cream in the freezer. Friend of mine came over and we finished the very small amount off.

DC came home, asked where it was. I told DC I ate it with a friend and would buy more . DC was angry it was gone. Expecting that it was all theirs even though it wasn't!

I had a lot of people call me mean for eating ice cream even though I had added Ice cream to the shopping list and was buying more the following day. It wasn't DCs ice cream.

I just couldn't believe the responses from people that I was some kind of heathen for having an ice cream.

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MadAboutWands · 27/02/2019 08:41

Tantrum I think it’s get worse tbh.
Yes there has always been people like this but....

In fairness too, some of things you mentioned I think we probably all have done to some extend. (But not to the extend you are mentioning- that is crazy!)
Eg buying a cake for a child when you are buying for yourself. But it’s a treat, a one off and it doesn’t have to be better than yours (what’s the point anyway? Surely the choice should be what you and the child enjoy rather than being ‘better’)
Or keeping some foods especially for a child (but again maybe not to the extend you are describing!).

What you are describing is also very strongly related to another recent thread about ALWAYS putting your dcs before you (and any other adult in the house). Many people would are with that and wouod agree on stupid thing in that ground. I prefer the idea that a child NEEDS not wants come first. But a child wants come AFTER a parent’s need.

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Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 08:42

I dont think a new trend. My mum is in her 60s and did shit like this. We bloody wanted her to go out.

I dont speak to her anymore because she is a general martyr and likes everyone to think she is so badly done to.

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Prusik · 27/02/2019 08:46

Tbf, I often don't eat or drink things so that they are available for my children. Including orange juice. That remains in the fridge for my son - it's expensive for me and he needs to take his iron supplements with it. I don't tell anyone about it though as it's embarrassing to not be able to afford orange juice

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Thesearmsofmine · 27/02/2019 08:47

I think there have always been martyrs in every generation.

Some of things in your list are probably have reasons behind them like not being able to go to a no child wedding because you can’t get a babysitter or perhaps the baby isn’t sleeping through or needs bf and won’t take a bottle.

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Tennesseewhiskey · 27/02/2019 08:49

Prusik you are missing the point. There is a reason you dont drink it

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YouBumder · 27/02/2019 08:57

There was a post on one of these fb blogs the other day about changing a tampon pre and post kids. The latter involving them being in the loo with you and their comments. I have never changed a tampon in the toilet at home with my kids there. What do people think will happen if you leave them downstairs for 2 mins/stick them in a cot. That they will spontaneously combust? Do people never do things like hang washing out because they can’t leave the kids alone for 3 mins? They aren’t going to have abandonment issues because they cry for a couple of minutes of being left (safely) alone.

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downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 08:57

I don't know whether the martyrdom is new or not - I suspect that, since women have been subordinated and trained to compete with one another for male attention for eons, it isn't new.

I do think that there has been a gradual shift in attitudes towards children over the past couple of decades, though, and I suspect this kind of 'pandering to their every need' parenting is more common now. DH and I both definitely notice a very definite difference amongst the 18-25(ish) year olds we teach now, compared to 15 years ago. While they seem less extreme and more sensible, there are very distinct downsides in terms of a lack of independence, resilience, emotional strength, ability to handle anxiety, and general initiative-taking. I am sure that wider cultural and economic trends are also to blame, but I don't think certain very intense parenting styles are always that helpful either.

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Prusik · 27/02/2019 08:58

@Tennesseewhiskey I've just read the thread. Yes you're right. I am missing the point but it makes me sad - I don't eat the fruit we buy either. I save it for my children. It lasts longer that way. Otherwise we run out and they get none as we can't afford to replace it.

Maybe I'm a martyr. I dunno. I think we're broke

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BlackCatSleeping · 27/02/2019 08:59

I am a ginger. I have also dyed my hair black when I am bored. Never been looked down on for either.

I'm not saying that everyone feels this way, but I have a friend who is Asian and has naturally black hair that she dyes brown, but she did feel bad doing this after her daughter was born because black hair is a beautiful color too. Some people with red hair do get bullied for their hair color, so I can imagine that some mums may want to keep their hair red as a sign of solidarity with their kids.

There's no one right answer. I remember ducking out of an event that I'd been invited to when my kids were young as I'd had a really tough week and just wanted to relax and spend some time with my kids. It's fine to feel that way, just as it's fine to avoid walking past the ice cream shop as you can't be bothered with your kids pestering you for ice cream.

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ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 27/02/2019 09:09

I definately do have sweeties when DS isn’t here. That child had bat ears ‘what are you eaaaaating, mummy?’

1000x this Grin

Must admit that I've never wanted to dye my hair (I'm ginger). However, right now DS and I are both rocking long ginger locks and I honestly think he'd be gutted if I left the club! So I sort of see that one. But that's only because it's a thing - if I was like that regarding everything we share in our lives then yes, I'd be a total psycho mummy martyr I think.

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my2bundles · 27/02/2019 09:10

I think you may have misinterpreted what has been said. The I range juice one, often if there only a small amount if Milk left in tbe morning I will pour it onto my child's cornflakes instead of my coffee. Child needs break fast. Many times I've needed tbe Toilet while feeding a baby but waited to avoid the crying. Not going to avoid vent because I've no childcare, carnt exactly Jeanette em avoid blind. It's nothing to do with being a marty it's realities of parenthood.

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OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 27/02/2019 09:11

For example
the woman who doesn’t colour her hair because her natural hair colour is the same as her daughter’s and her daughter might think there’s something wrong with x colour hair

Amazing.

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my2bundles · 27/02/2019 09:11

Stupid auto correct

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Goldmandra · 27/02/2019 09:12

Another mum once told me that she couldn't remove a toy from her three year old because he would just take it back. When I said put it in the cupboard, she said he would climb up and get it. When I said lock it in the car and put the keys in your pocket, she said he would just take the keys off her. I asked her what she would do when he was 14 and wanted money. She shrugged.

He's now 16 and trashes the house if she can't give him what he wants.

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sorenipples · 27/02/2019 09:16

I think the problem with threads like this is that the term "mummy martyr " like "precious first born" can be used to undermine mums that do things differently.

The examples and contexts here do seem extreme , but often the term is used to apply one persons values and circumstances on another. I don't have hot drinks around my kids, but I never really drank them anyway. I often carry my toddler to the toilet with me, as it's easier than clearing up every hazard his preschooler sister has left in the room. I will save the laSt apple for my preschooler as otherwise she will eat something less healthy. None of these things cause me hardship or actually bother me at all, but I'm sure to an apple loving , tea gulping and privacy needing person I would seem like a mummy martyr.

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NotSoThinLizzy · 27/02/2019 09:20

God I know someone like this is drives me batty. Once she gave her DD into trouble for running on a concrete path she was only aloud to run on grass. DD was 7 at the time. She also if she buys anything for herself she has too buy DD something better

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