To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

Co-sleeping 'works' at 2, 4, 6 if the parents feel that there is no alternative, because the agony of 'controlled crying' can't be countenanced

Lots of people co-sleep out of choice and plan to even before baby is born.

"sleep hygiene"

"the needy mum, or the one who can't set those boundaries wonders why her 24 year old can't 'launch' as an adult...."

so if the 24year old insists on sharing a bed with her husband that presumably is poor sleep hygiene

or why is it poor hygiene to share with a parent but not with a spouse?

you'll all be glad to hear that I am setting firm boundaries tonight and dh is occupying the guest room (no, we didn't have a row, more to do with his bad back)

otoh my 22yo daughter is happily leading an adult life in London- though I'm afraid I couldn't tell you whose bed she is sleeping in

I'm in my 50s and my parents let me come into their bed if I wanted- didn't stop me from moving away from home at 18 and eventually settling abroad

dh is approaching 60, also quite independent of his parents (fortunately as they are both deceased), but I do know that both he and his brother were allowed to come into the parental bed when they wanted

as, I believe, was my mother

can't vouch for my grandfather but as he was one of 11 in a small cottage, I very much doubt everyone had their own individual bed

We don’t do it much but I’m about to snuggle up to 4 yo DD now. She’s ace to sleep with!

When I first read the op I thought she had friends that had 3 kids in bed with them and was wondering how they'd all fit?

No, you probably won't see that post, Miljah. Because there's no correlation between attachment parenting and 'failure to launch', and in fact a ton of psychological evidence supporting the idea that babies and toddlers whose needs are responded to quickly and reliably are more secure and independent as they get older.

Brava! 👏🏻

As I was reading the replies with a chuckle, DS (3 years) came plodding through to our bed. Climbed over me and squashed himself between DH and me.

The cats are at the foot of the bed.

We just need DD to join us and I'll be in heaven.

I love them coming to our bed. I love that they know exactly where to come when they're half asleep and want a cuddle.

As PP have said, it won't last forever and I want them to remember that there wasn't ever a time they weren't welcome in my arms.

Each to their own, personally I prefer to sleep alone, as does DH (married 30 years) and our DS has very rarely slept in our beds. Both DH & I are poor sleepers & my ‘sleep hygiene’ is such that I need a cool, quiet room on my own.
But if others love sleeping cuddling up then fine, let them get on with it, so long as they don’t complain that they want their own space.

I wouldn’t do controlled crying with my failure-to-launch 24-year-old. I might put my foot down and do shush-pat though.

qazxc me too! I was thinking ‘fuck me how big is their bed?!’ Then I realised 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Hi OP , do you have children?

One of my first memories is a midnight stealth crawl into my mum and dad's bed. I remember getting under the covers at their feet and slowly moving upwards so I Didn't wake them. I also remember my mum's surprise to find me in their bed in the morning. That was almost 50 years ago and I still remember that need to be close to my parents and the effort I went to so that I could sleep with them.
There are some mornings now when I wake up and wonder how and when DD appeared. She is more thanbwelcome in if she needs or wants me.

In my case I had DD in my bed for nearly 3 years, it was because I have an autistic child who didnt sleep well at all, so making sure DD slept kind of became essential.. she slept better co-sleeping with me, settled quicker, fussed less.. it meant I wasn't bouncing between her and my other child all night while getting absolutely no sleep at all.

DH slept in the spare room, so in the morning when he got up for work at 5.30am (By which point DS was also usually in bed with me and DD) he didnt disturb any of us, and our mornings were spent cuddling, napping and watching cbeebies until breakfast.

We always allowed the kids into our bed if they wanted. We bought an enormous king size bed so there was room for everyone (even the cat).

Now my kids are 15 and 9 and I don't get baby/toddler/little kid snuggles anymore I am glad we had that time.

We liked having them close, they liked being close. Everybody got lots of sleep.

I can remember snuggling with my parents when I was little (as can DH). I am now a successful 42 year old lawyer, have traveled the world, own my own home and have 2 excellent outgoing children.

DS1 now has a job, a great group of mates and is a high achiever at school. DS2 the same (but without the job). Co-sleeping does not appear to have had any adverse long term effects, if anything I would say the early years 'attachment' parenting (is that still the term?) has paid off and they have always felt very secure so able to be independent.

DH and I don't restrict our intimacy to one single place so not being able to have sex in our bed when there kids were there was never a problem.

I've seen a lot of rule followers among the older generations, mainly relatives and family friends. Set mealtimes, with suitable/ permissible foods for each meal, no crying ever for any reason, bottle-fed to schedule, all children in their own beds, treated as inferior to adults etc.
They.also seem to be coldest and most emotionally stunted people I know.
I think that the rules imposed by 50s and 60s professionals screwed a lot of children up. And controlled crying is just barbaric, with plenty of evidence now mounting up to prove that it's actually damaging to a growing brain.

Do you actually have kids?

I take out the worst parent award, as I had one who was still coming into our bed around 15yo (and also around 6’ by then). They stopped around 16yo. To be honest I was a bit sad.

When mine were little they came into our bed every night. It wasn’t a big deal as often one parent was on night shift so plenty of room. The alternative was no sleep at all and why bring that on yourself on top of all of life’s other challenges. Things got interesting when everyone was home, adults and as the night went on all kids. As they got older and bigger and the bed was literally full the last one in would just lie on the bottom across the bed across us all. Pretty uncomfortable I imagine but even that was no deterrent.

The reality is no one seems to have 20yo’s coming into their bed so what does it really matter what people do in this regard with kids.

I found they filled that annoying cold draft spot!

I remember being told by someone when DS1 was a baby and crying that if I kept going to him and cuddling him when he cried he would expect it.

I said: "Well, yes, he should expect it because that is what I will do..."

As I said earlier, I am glad I got all my cuddling and carrying and babying in when I had the chance. I don't miss that time exactly, but neither do I have any regrets.

I've seen a lot of rule followers among the older generations, mainly relatives and family friends. Set mealtimes, with suitable/ permissible foods for each meal, no crying ever for any reason, bottle-fed to schedule, all children in their own beds, treated as inferior to adults etc.
They.also seem to be coldest and most emotionally stunted people I know.

I've realised a lot of the push back I get from older people about having a more child-oriented attitude towards parenting, is about them feeling attacked about the choices they made as parents.

My DCs share a room, even though they don't need to, because I also felt it was unfair that DH and I share but was expecting them to sleep alone. They are happier now.

amrscot never co slept with any of mine
We did the big pile in with mum and dad every weekend in the morning,
We did the snuggle when they weren’t well
I’ve slept with individual ones when they were really ill
But apart from that all my kids slept in their own beds

My dd1 and dd2 take turns to share our martial bed it was easier with bf and ment we got some sleep.one has bad excema and the other is asd and needa regular comforting during night . Never affected our relationship dont need to do the deed in bed and certainly not when dds are there. Dont know why your so bothered about someone elses sleeping arrangements...

We didn't think we'd be doing it but DD (2.7) comes into our bed most nights. We do it because we both need to get up for work in the morning, and we need to go to work to pay the rent, buy food, have a holiday, clothe ourselves etc., and we need to sleep to be able to do out jobs properly.

Surely op was just asking opinions ?
There were quite a few defensive responses.
Personally I don’t agree with co sleeping but I wouldn’t judge those that do

I was like you before I had my third baby. I didn't understand it either but I do now. We put our 4 year old in his own bed initially but he always ends up in our bed through the night. It's easier to just let him jump in and snuggle up than to get up repeatedly to put him into his bed. Also, I like his little snuggles. He's not going to want them forever so I'll hold onto them while I can.

I can guarantee you, they're doing it because it suits their family and not to irritate you.

Its a bed. Beds are for sleeping in. In a house, shared by a family.