To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

We had the dc I our bed because they woke 8+ times a night otherwise. They now sleep in their own beds without issue, but we sometimes sleep in together because it is lovely.

Your posts sounds like you think your parenting is superior.

For sleep. For cuddles. For sleepy cuddles. I'd be dead from sleep deprivation if we hadn't ever let our youngest sleep in with us. I'm not great for a marriage if I'm a zombie.

It’s bloody lovey sharing a bed with a baby or toddler. You can’t get those years back and nothing beats it.

Or maximising sleep- often the reason that bedsharing begins, or continues.

If you’re so keen on your “marital bed” (wtf) then why would it be so difficult to understand that smaller humans also like company at night?

And yeah- only boring parents have sex in the marital bed! 😂

We did it because we wanted to and I have done a lot of research into attachment parenting as part of my Master's degree - it worked for us.

I find it more strange why people shove babies in a different room. Very unnatural.

Do you have your own dc?

OP no-one is being touchy. You came across as quite superior and judgmental in your post and people are just offering a differing opinion. Just because they don’t agree with you doesn’t make them touchy!

We have a varied configuration each night of 4 year old in with me and DH, DH going into 4 year old’s bed as she literally kicks him out of our bed some nights with all her flailing, me in with 2 year old, DH in with 2 year old, any other variation on that theme.

It’s what gets us the most sleep with the least effort. Sleep is verrrrrrry good for our marriage. Technically I suppose our “marital bed” is now the spare room bed downstairs away from the usurpers .

My ds slept in my bed for years, ds was happy, I was happy & dp was happy! He’s now a teenager & has long since grew out of wanting a cuddle with his mum and my relationship with DP is still as good as ever so negative effects just lovely memories.

Because they like it?
Because small children sleep better when they're not alone? (And when the kids sleep better, everyone sleeps better.)
Because they prioritise the needs of their young children over the sanctity of the 'marital bed' ?
Because they're creative enough to manage to have sex even with such apparently insurmountable obstacles?

Take your pick, while I snuggle up next to my snoring toddler and kiss his adorable little cheeks.

People do things differently. I've never wanted my kids in my bed. Other people do. 🤷‍♀️

I find it a bit odd that adults are expected to enjoy the comfort of sleeping with another human, but babies and small children are expected to go it alone.

How do people sleep when their child is in their bed?Dd used to come in in the morning when she was a very early waker and that was tolerable but if she came in because she was poorly you wake up with a foot in your ear,being wacked across the face with little flailing arms.
Don't get me wrong I look back on those times with fondness but she would keep me awake.

With ds it was mainly because he was in pain from reflux, often at risk of choking and frankly it was the only way any of us would sleep.

But at other times with all 3, because...they are ill/scared/can't sleep/ it's nice.

Because their children are not sleeping. And when you are utterly exhausted you will do anything to get some sleep. My children sleep in my bed because I would be up all night settling them, plus the hours it takes to get them to go to sleep at the start. We were so run down and getting sick all the time - not to mention the serious cranky, grumpy behaviour.

It’s not ideal, but better than barely functioning. I think until you have actually had children that have extreme sleep issues, you just don’t get how soul destroying it is. And it’s not as simple as just persevering. I have tried repeatedly to get them back in their own beds. I spend a whole year from when they (twins) were age 2 to 3 keeping them in their beds and they took hours to go to sleep, and still woke up multiple times a night EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It’s much better now, we all have a great nights sleep.

Why does it bother you?

Really? You don’t understand why it might be better for some people?

Perhaps dc sleep better in their parents’ bed. Who knows? But it’s down to individual people and what suits them. Our dc slept in with us occasionally till they were about 9. I miss it now.

And you don’t know why people are grouchy? Perhaps they think you’re being judgy or superior.

I wonder what would be the nearest and furthest you would be comfortable about sleeping with children this age?

Would you be comfortable with children in same room, own bed? Separate room, same floor? 1 floor apart? More than one floor apart?

If the childen feel secure next to their parents what would you think are the advantages of sleeping separately and go you think each child should be in a separate bed and individually separate rooms?

Can you remember the reasons they gave (which didn't seem sufficient to you)?

Because when he was wee it was the only way I could get any sleep and now he’s bigger he sometimes just needs a bit of “mum’ bed” comfort.

But I’ve no partner being inconvenienced by it.

Why is it a problem who sleeps where? Until fairly recently it was very common for different family members to sleep together and in some cultures it still is.

You ‘don’t understand the reasons behind’ people doing what they can to get the best nights sleep possible so they can be good parents during the day?
Do you have DC?

Boob - isn’t it a bit odd that adults are expected to enjoy the comfort of sleeping with another human, but babies and small children are expected to go it alone.

Just what my dc said! They thought it was very unfair. Hard to argue...

Because he has severe autism and learning disabilities and refuses to sleep in his own bed and we only have two bedrooms and he would get on bed with his brother and disturb him

The people I know who do this are either attachment parenting, or their DC is a shit sleeper and it’s the best way for everyone to get a decent stretch.

I honestly don’t think that it is good that children sleep apart from their parents. But it has got nothing to do with me. I just couldn’t do it myself, but I respect other people’s choices.

We all sleep in my 'marital bed' in my house It goes ds3, dh, me, dd5m. We do it because we are all happy and all get the most sleep this way, and I know it won't last forever. My kids won't be 16+ and having their gf/bf squeezing into bed with us too! As for people who ask 'what about sex?'- never sit on a co sleepers sofa...

And it is lovely! Children can be tiring and annoying when they are awake... but when they are freshly washed, in their PJs, asleep, cuddling you... bliss!