To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

My 8yo quite often sleeps with me of a weekend and DH sleeps in the spare room. She likes it and me and DH don’t care as long as we get some sleep. We hardly ever have sex in our actual bed anyway too much chance of waking DD up having sex upstairs so it’s not interfering with our relationship.
If she still wants to do it as a teenager I’d be very surprised.
So no ‘good reason’ for us but so what I have nothing to justify.

Just a warning, we are very relaxed, non-strict parents. Our DD came into our bed every night and particularly her Dad wouldn’t send her back to her bed, one of us got out and let her in. She is 10 and it is still the same story :( I get woken up between 2am - 4am every night with her coming in bed and she tries to snuggle and burrow her feet under us. We are still waiting for her to grow out of it. I think at some point we will have to be stricter as I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in 10 years.

Just like all aspects of parenting
You congratulate yourself that your kids sleep in their own bed and take that as evidence of your own good parenting.
Until you have one that doesn't self settle and realise that actually it was just luck that the first did.

It’s MN, everyone has their kids in bed with them.

Mine both co slept with me and/or DH on and off for years.

I fully admit its because i could not get them to sleep through the night in their own beds. Even a sleep consultant gave up.

DS1 had severe reflux until he was 5 years old which meant he woke frequently in pain. Add nightly nightmares, frequent night terrors and sleepwalking and I was a sleep deprived mess.

Add DS2 with his nightly nightmares and the fact that DH and I both work FT in high pressure jobs and, well, co sleeping suddenly seems like a good idea.

They are now 4 and 7 and no longer co sleep though the little one comes in with us if he has more than 2 nightmares a night (cos Im fed up of getting up).

I have been judged for co sleeping for many years but fuck them. I was close to breakdown and co sleeping saved me.

One child sleeps fine in her own bed. The other settles..then between 12-4am appears in my bed like a stealth ninja. I wake up and she is there in the middle! She gets scared. I'm not having broken sleep and bad back to man handle her back to her own bed!

Try not to lose any sleep over it OP!

Stop judging other parenting styles. If we co sleep or feed our children chicken nuggets once a week. We are all great mums. There is no prize for doing it better!!!

AJPTaylor - it’s not always luck. Sometimes it’s persistence.

I have two and both of them sleep in there own beds and wouldn’t even think of getting in mine. Not because I was lucky but because instead of popping them in my bed to sleep and make my life easier I made it harder and got up every single night and settled them back in there beds.

That doesn’t make my parenting better either, it’s just how I prefer it. I personally can’t sleep with a child in my bed as they move to much.

@Mummadeeze

Bribery worked to get our 7 year old out of our room (by this age he was no longer in our bed but on a mattress on our floor). The first night he cried and raged at me for an hour. Dh wanted to give up but I said no. Next night was 10 minutes. Then 5. He goes to sleep fine now. And doesnt come into us unless poorly.

I find it a bit odd that adults are expected to enjoy the comfort of sleeping with another human, but babies and small children are expected to go it alone.

This x1000000

I had one child who didn't want to sleep in my bed, and another who did. I didn't force it to end. Why would I? It wasn't about me, but about them feeing secure. They stopped it naturally, as children will do. I now miss it 😆

Maybe they enjoy it? It's only a place to sleep. As long as they continue to work at their marriage I don't see the problem. We often do with our 3 year old as he wakes in the night and will only stop crying if he comes in. We have horrific neighbours who have threatened us when our ds has cried in the night in the past so it's easiest for everyone.

I can't believe how rude most of the comments are to what was an honest question.

How dreadful some people are. It doesn't cost much to be polite.

This was me with ds1. He never slept in our bed, I was horrified that people allowed that. He would also eat anything, hold my hand walking places and generally I thought I was the greatest smug mother in the world.
Then I had Ds2. At 2 years old he had never slept a night through, not once, he would of been up from midnight till 4 am with us consistently putting him back into his cot then bed. And I mean we did it for months. Same with eating, the longest I refused him snacks and he rufused his meals was 3 days. He didn’t eat just drank water for 3 days!! He is stubborn and headstrong and we had to find new ways in which to teach him basic things. He eats lovely now, but it’s a compromise, ditto with sleeping, but the compromise is it’s in our bed. Don’t judge till you understand, I did I but I admit, but then the universe gave me ds2 and laughed

No they don't. My two don't sleep in the bed with me. Though I warned the eldest the youngest may end up sleeping with her.

I use to sleep in either my parents or a much older sibling's bed until I was about 6. My parents would chuck me out or say I had to sleep in my own bed so I would crawl into a sibling's bed or keep targeted sibling awake. Later in my teens I babysat for a boy, who slept in his sister, who was 2 years older than him, bed until he was 5. His parents told him at about 2 he had to sleep in his own bed, but his sister was happy to share. I also babysat for other kids who even though the family had space wouldn't sleep in a different room from a sibling until they were about 7. If the parents tried it they found one kid sharing another's bed.

OP lots of young children simply just won't sleep on their own. For some this means bed-sharing while for others room sharing is enough.

My daughter is 7, she still sleeps with me, she wants to, and it seems natural. I do find it quite strange that children, the littlest, most vulnerable members of the family are expected to sleep alone in our culture, whereas adults get to have company!

I co slept with both mine when they were babies but not 2/3/4 years old (unless they've had a nightmare or are genuinely sick) Some people like it though.

I can’t really offer an opinion on this OP because I don’t have children of my own, but I just wanted to say that I think people are being unnecessarily short with you for asking an honest question that I think you phrased perfectly reasonably. Potentially because they’ve had their choices criticised before? And we all knew what you meant by marital bed, you meant their bed, in their bedroom that they share as a married couple. I’m sure you are also aware that there are other places to have sex than in bed. But that is generally the easiest and most comfortable place to have sex!

The way I feel right now I would only want to sleep in the same bed as hypothetical future children if it was a necessity, but I’m aware those feelings might change when or if I have them!

The other thing that jumps out st me here is that @amrscot 'a friends have a 2,3&4 year old.

Wow!

I had four children in 6 years, which was hard but that is even more intense.

Whatever gets them through the day and night would be absolutely fine with me, they are super humans!

Because why would you put your most vulnerable member of your tribe (household) in a different part of your cave (house) where you can't see them? Doesn't make any sense. Other animals don't have this expectation so why should we? Besides my 6 year old gives the BEST cuddles at night when they want them!

Because I feel like it

We didnt see it as a marital bed, it was the family bed and we all slept fine. If we wanted a shag we did it elsewhere. At 3 DD naturally moved into her own bed without drama.

I haven't read the thread but maybe your friends don't offer you any explanations because they think you're being goady.

CielBleuEtNuages thanks. The thing is I let her sleep with me on Friday and Saturday nights because her Dad works all night and we watch a movie or something in bed and then go to sleep. It is our weekend routine. She is meant to sleep in her own bed on school nights. So it is definitely my fault for giving her mixed and confusing messages. I am a very loving parent but I definitely haven’t done everything right. I just keep thinking that she will choose to sleep on her own at some point and that will solve the problem!

Ours is often in with us. As many others have said, we all sleep more that way and it's nice having sleepy cuddles with a little toddler.
My husband and I have regular sex, just rarely in bed at night (even when there isn't a toddler in the bed, we're too tired by the time we're in bed anyway! )