To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

I am away with my 9mo right now and I am awake listening to the birds outside while the baby sleeps peacefully beside me, with one hand on my arm. It’s lovely

Only reason my 6 year old sleeps with me, because I let him. At 8.30 I say bedtime, 8.35 he is asleep in own bed, my bed or sofa. These pass weeks it has been sofa, because I have been at desk busy with study. He gets up in the morning at 7am, and is better than an alarm clock.

DD used to sleep in our bed till she was 8 or 9. She doesn’t now and I miss her. My relationship is just fine, thanks for your (unnecessary and somewhat judgemental) concern.

I co slept with both of mine (now nearly 12 and 15).

At the time there was plenty of judgement and pressure from others around me about this, so I fretted and worried I was doing the 'wrong' thing. But I carried on doing it because I loved cuddling my little precious people and hearing their breathing at night and knowing they were safe and I also wanted some sleep and both of them woke very frequently if alone.

All these years later I wish I hadn't listened to anyone else's judgement or opinion and let it bother me. Both kids sleep beautifully in their own beds and have done for years and years. Neither of them get scared or have nightmares or need a hall light on or have ever wet the bed. Both are well adjusted independent boys.

If I could turn back time I'd do exactly the same thing but spare myself the worry about what other people thought or whether they'd ever leave my bed. I really miss those precious nights now. There's no way my 15 year old would let me into his bed for a cuddle!

People should just do what is right for them and stop trying to tell other people how to live their lives.

Op people are "touchy" because it is normal and your question appears to be a value judgement.

I love co sleeping. It doesn't make us have a crap relationship. There are other places to have sex other than in the bed. It's no big deal

I've co slept with both of mine. It wasn't something I particularly thought about, or planned, it just happened. I extended breastfed both of mine so with the first it just got to the point where getring up to put him back in his own cot (in our room) was getting hard work. When i put him in his own room at 8 months I followed all 'the rules'! Got up, fed him in his own room, put him back in his cot, tried to settle him, eventually got him back to sleep...then 20 minutes later he'd wake up again crying. After about 3 weeks of this I thought who is this actually benefiting? Not me, I'm exhausted. Not him, he's too young to understand that I'm only in the next room, as far as he knows I've disappeared off the face of the earth. From that point I fed him to sleep, put him in his own room and when he woke up he would just come into our bed. And that continued for years. Some times he'd stay in his own bed all night, sometimes he'd come into ours. It definitely didn't destroy my relationship with my husband. He's now 11 and doesn't still sleep in our bed . With the 2nd I didn't bother with all that. I still fed him to sleep and then put him in his own room, sometimes he stays there and sometimes you hear little feet padding across the landing in the middle of the night and then a little knee or elbow in the face as he clambers over you to get into bed. He's now 4. What's the problem? We are the only mammals that expect our kids to be independent and self sufficient when they exit the womb! They should only need feeding, changing and putting to sleep. No other physical contact unless an adult decides 'they' will allow it, at a time that's suitable to them!!! Go Gina Ford . It baffles me that 'we' seem to spend those early years trying to make our children independent, making them not need us and then wonder why they don't want to talk to us or tell us anything when they become teenagers. You can't have it both ways .

My Son has slept in my bed for last 2 years for safety. He has SN and will get up in the night unsupervised if I'm not in the same room as him. He has done so many dangerous things like trying to climb out of Windows, flooding the bathroom etc. At least if he is with me I'm mostly aware he's up and I can dose in between. If he was on his own I'm not sure I'd get any sleep.
We all have reasons, maybe just concentrate on your own stuff and let us worry about our own lives!

My two have always had tge option of their own rooms and beds. There was a phase where they played musical beds some nights and I would find them snuggled up together like puppies in the other's bed.

Hasn't happened for a long time now. Though they do still happily share a bed on holidays.

Good post Namestheyareachangin.

My older kids used to do this. My toddler at 20 months flat out refuses to do it but doesn’t like to sleep alone either. I always allowed my kids to do it when they wanted because I wanted them to feel happy and secure and loved, not shut in a dark room at night all alone and expected to suck it up. I loved snuggling up with them, it was one of the sweetest pleasures as a parent. I also knew full well that those days wouldn’t last for long and was happy to make the most of them. They are long gone now. I really would like my little one to cuddle up and snooze with us sometimes but she’s the absolute opposite of tactile unless she’s not feeling well. Even then it’s just a sit on your lap as opposed to anything else.

Maybe people just like it? Maybe some people would never get any sleep otherwise. What a odd thing to criticise.

Because it's lovely.

I found it very annoying having a bed full of people and no room to myself. Mine were perfectly content in their own rooms.

I once let a rugby team stay at my house. I think there were about 4 of them in my (king sized) bed with me.

Having a baby/toddler/child in there is considerably less annoying! 😂

All my kids can sleep with us if they want to. My nearly 11 year old son does if he is upset about something/feels ill etc!

If my 5 year old feels like she needs a cuddle because she is in the dark on her own in her bedroom then she knows she can come to me, or call me and I will go to carry her to sleep with me.

You know what because they know I am there, even in the middle of the night, they open up to me....how is that a bad thing?

@BackBoiler I agree, my 16 year old daughter will sleep with me, and because I never forced them into there own bedrooms or forced a routine they have always been able to confide in me or talk about anything. (somehow they fell into a routine of sleeping by 8.30pm when 7/8 and then 9pm when older).

I mean coslept from birth, which helped with sleep routine, all three would be asleep by 8.00pm, which changed to 8.30 by the they were 7/8.

My personal opinion is dc in their own beds. Thankfully I didn't have much of them coming into me in the night.

However I couldn't care less what others do to get their sleep

I love it so much
I really missed out not doing it with the eldest 2

I have found the older they get the nicer it is. When they were babies it was necessity (we were all 4 in one room for a while when mil died and that was really crappy). I didn't really want the extra contact as I held them and wore them in slings most of the day. But when they get to 2 years old, they start to have more independent days and (I found mine) start to sleep a bit better at night, so sleeping together is less because you have to and more because everyone loves it. My 6 and 4 year olds now mostly just cuddle up and sleep and we all wake and chatter (the 2 year old is getting there too but often still wakes 1-2 a night for a bf/tummy rub) and the children blow raspberries and we all laugh/play together (the rest of the day they are bickering and fighting like cat and dog ).

I'm not saying other families don't have that. But for us that's the time when we are all one and the love I feel is more concentrated than the love I feel at any other time of the day because I can focus on it without distraction. I try to store it to remember when they are being little buggers!

I totally agree mrskoala.

You don't sleep alone, so why should your very small children be expected to? It makes them feel safe, warm and lovely to be with you. My DS is now almost 6 and sleeps alone with no issues but we had a lovely first few years snuggled up with him. If it works and you get sleep, then it's right for your family

Because it's appropriate to our species as mammals?

Because it's just so lovely

Because....oh hang on a minute...it's none of your business. Boom!

It always made me laugh, my sister in law is so against children in her bed, but has her cats in there with her. I mean wtf? I've found so many people bang on about putting their babies, their own babies of the same species, in another room alone, but the bloody dog or cat gets to sleep with them!

I slept in with my mum or dad until I was around 12, and even occasionally after, up to about 15.
My DC's sleep in with me or DH, they have their own beds too but prefer to be in with me, especially when he isn't here. Why? They sleep better, I sleep better not keeping half an ear out to listen for them, I'm also a little paranoid about burglars (childhood trauma) so at least I know if anything happens we're all in the same room.
It's surprising how many kids do sleep in with their parents, one of the neighbours was round a few days ago and the boy is 8, he seems like a tough little guy and really macho, turns out he sleeps in with his mum too.
Also, on a night like tonight when it's cold I know I have two human hot water bottles keeping my bed warm.