To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

but wouldn't it be better to try to persevere with the child to get it to sleep in its own bed?

Why would that be better, OP? And for whom would it be better?

Some small children feel safe and secure when sleeping near their parents. Some parents are happy to accommodate this. I really can't understand why that would be of concern to anyone else?

FWIW, our dd used to sleep in our bed every night. It was better for all of us as we all got more sleep. When she was ready - probably when she was around 4/5 she decided to move into her own bedroom, and she did so quite happily.

DD is 13 now. She sleeps perfectly well. As for her dad and I, our marriage is still intact. I do not see why it would have been "better" for any of us to persevere with some sort of sleep training when she was younger. It wasn't necessary.

Why do some people struggle to accept that others might choose to do things differently from how they do?

Surely this would happen after 2, 3 or 4 years?

Kids change and shit happens....even if you thought you had preserved the sanctity of the marital bed, if your 3 year suddenly starts getting night terrors and waking up your 1 year old (and half the street)....changing it into the family bed might seem a more attractive idea!

I read the OP and thought 'this'll go wrong' 😊

As an old person, the way I see it is- everyone thinks that what they're doing is right at the time. Even if, deep down, they know they're copping out to a certain extent.

Sleep, and sleep hygiene are a case in point.

Co-sleeping 'works' at 2, 4, 6 if the parents feel that there is no alternative, because the agony of 'controlled crying' can't be countenanced.

Personally, for us, the moment our DSs understood the boundaries, the better. Because life is full of boundaries. Like the ones mum and dad set once it becomes APPARENT that we all sleep better in our own beds. Because we're lucky enough to have the choice.

But you'll never see the post where the needy mum, or the one who can't set those boundaries wonders why her 24 year old can't 'launch' as an adult....

Perserve with the child? The marital bed? Who are you OP? Have you just finished a run in a 1950s Whitehall farce and you can't snap out of character? I like it. Tell us more about your quest for opinions

Personally I dont like sleeping with anyone let alone my child who doesn't keep still when asleep.
Do i wonder why other people do this? Not in the slightest.
It's like asking why do people get married or why do people believe in God? Because they want to.
Each to their own and all that...

Because in 10 years time my youngest will be 17 and I'm pretty sure won't want to. Dd1 goes up to her room to read before bed so sex is tricky when she's awake or just gone to sleep so we tend to have sex in the sitting room at night before going to bed.

Great sex life and sleepy cuddles with my big babies. Why wouldn't I do this?

Because I prefer to fuck madly on the kitchen table. No boring marital bed for me! Do you also do it with the lights out and socks on?!?!?

Or maybe

Because I discovered that my baby that slept for 30 minutes then screamed for 1 to 2 hours on repeat all night every night for months on end actually slept for over an hour continuously when I effectively passed out in bed with her. She then only screamed for 30 minutes before sleeping for another full hour. Which meant that I got enough sleep to stop actively trying to harm myself and just thought vaguely about suicide instead. (Husband had fucked off to the spare room months before.)

I think if you haven’t had a child with serious sleep problems (and no - waking twice a night with teething is not a serious sleep problem) you really haven’t a clue.

lol at 'marital bed'.

marital beds

This made me chuckle

I dont even share a bed with my husband, what does that say to your inner judgement?

Some kids sleep better snuggled up to a body, especially in winter. It doesn't matter, it doesnt affect your relationship unless you let it and it's really none of your beeswax.

Ds3 is 4 and still comes to our bed in the early hours most nights. It has no effect on us other than to maximise sleep. We have sex earlier, in the days when we co slept we had sex elsewhere. All the dc have been able to come to our bed whenever they wanted and all of them have reduced it over time, the elder two both stopping completely at about 4.5. I like sleep. It doesn't cause us any issues. There is no reason to for us to change tack.

Fuck a duck....copping out to a certain extent.....I don't think much about coping with ds and sleep equates to copping out. If I had the energy I'd probably be a bit enraged.

Because it's lovely....if you have the room. I rather love waking up and finding DD2 in the bed. Every morning both Dc come into my bed for a cuddle. Even better at weekends, I snooze, they play games, we tickle, laugh, chat about school and stuff. I know one day will be the last but I'm hanging on as long as they want to.

I love ‘marital bed’. Picturing it with very severe pillows and a lace counterpane.

It's the modern vicious circle, parents keep their child in their room/bed for so long that the child won't go anywhere else, the child sets the agenda.

because when they were little, I didn't want to be up and down feeding them/settling them (major thing with DS1. DS2 not so much)

Now, we sometimes share if DP goes away, just for old-times sake, but both kids happily sleep in their own rooms normally, or if we're somewhere like a hotel room, with two doubles, they'll also happily share with each other.

DS2 is still only 5, and he certainly sleeps later if he's in with one of us. DS1 on the other hand wakes between 5 and 6 no matter who's there.

I can't believe you're all taking the OP seriously, I think they're toying with us does coy smile from under the counterpane

Because she likes it. Because sometimes she needs it. Because I like it. She’s 9 and shows no sign of giving it up.

DH and I are doing just fine, we don’t need a bed to keep our marriage strong.

Asked for opinions lol
No you didn’t, you made a judgement and pretended it was a question.

amrscot Do you like or hate Camping ?

It's the modern vicious circle, parents keep their child in their room/bed for so long that the child won't go anywhere else, the child sets the agenda.
DD spends many more nights in her bed than she does in mine.

Why not? Basically. 🤷 #1 moved out when she was about 2, #2 did the same. He still came in in the early hours until he was around 5 though, and at nearly 7 still does on the odd occasion. In fact, #1 at nearly 9 does too.

#3 is only 17 months so full time in with us still.

But you'll never see the post where the needy mum, or the one who can't set those boundaries wonders why her 24 year old can't 'launch' as an adult....

No, you probably won't see that post, Miljah. Because there's no correlation between attachment parenting and 'failure to launch', and in fact a ton of psychological evidence supporting the idea that babies and toddlers whose needs are responded to quickly and reliably are more secure and independent as they get older.

I do because my son has developmental trauma and spent the first chunk of his life in an orphanage. Not sure it's anyone's business though unless I was complaining about it. (which I'm not) Dh snores and sleeps in the spare room anyways.

Because I value my sleep. After a year of unsuccessful attempts of getting DD1 to sleep in her own bed (sleep training? Nope forget it) I decided her and us getting a good sleep was too important. Now in her 20's she's a switched on independent woman. Children at too little for these battles. Time is precious *So is sleep! If it works for you, great. If it doesn't then do what is best for you and your child. DD2 and DS1 sleep in our bed most nights. Both under 10 (shock horror) . We just got a bigger bed. Why do you not allow this? How does it not impact on the close bond that can be gained? See what a ridiculous question yours is? Do what works best for your family.

Me and DH just used to shag on the sofa whilst DS slept in our bed upstairs 🤷 😂

DS used to sleep in with us all the time till about 3yeara old, he's 4 going on 5 now and sleeps in his own bed. They grow out of it eventually, they are only little once and if cuddling up under mum at dad's arm crook makes them feel secure and loved I'm not going to deny them that.

I also can't be bothered with a horrific bedtime battle, or also hearing my child cry themselves to sleep and feel abandoned, it's just not for me.

Guess what? Daughter in her 20s a law student who lives independently. 2 younger children who more nights than not bed share yet are happy being in single beds away from home. A healthy sex life with DP. Attatchement issues? Nope. Not in the slightest.