To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

Because my DS never slept, I tried everything & he didn’t sleep through the night, only I got up with him as my DH worked long hours & I had other kids to look after & get to school the next day, I had no help from family or friends so easier to sleep in our bed, you don’t understand what sleep deprivation can to someone & anything for an easy life & no headaches, he did eventually sleep through the night at the age of 4!

Because to a child who is afraid of the dark and has recurrent nightmares, the question of why two grown adults get to sleep together in the same bed, but the child is expected to survive the night entirely alone is one without a sensible answer.

Because some children wake throughout the night, scared of the dark or not, and their parent(s) suffer(s) terrible sleep deprivation in constantly getting out of bed to 're-settle' them.

Because Mummy Bear at no stage said to Baby Bear, "Right, it's dark in the cave now - you sleep over there and I'll sleep over here"!

My children (19, 17, 16 and 6 year olds, for a time, 3 slept with me) have all slept with me until the age of 5, they had own beds from ages 2 though)

Why - because I get a full night sleep. My children have always fallen asleep without any complication. My 6 year old still comes into my bed, during the night. No relationship problem with husband because he works nights. Plus while I was pregnant with first baby, he has to move into guest bedroom, which still continues.

We do, our 5 year old comes in every night. We are both of the view that we would like some sleep, don’t agree with CIO and having been through it all with a now 11 year old already, know that it doesn’t last forever and it’s precious time to have them still want and need you to comfort them.

Plus, I don’t like sleeping alone, so why would I expect my tiniest human being to?!

You're in controversial territory but in IMHO its Because they have totally failed at sleep routines.

Well adjusted with good sleep routines kids just toddle off to bed at the agreed time and emerge 12 hours later, rested and calm. They're not emotionally damaged because there was a little controlled crying at some point as the advocates for 'attachment parenting' would have you believe.

Yes I’ve never quite understood this not being good for the marriage. I tried very hard with DS1, had him in his own room within a few months - but was up every night, back and forth, he was a terrible sleeper. Ex was useless, and rarely helped. I was so tired and he made me feel neglected so our intimacy waned anyway. We broke up.

DS2 with a different DP, I decided not to force the baby moving out, which resulted in him not having his own room until age 4! He did always have his own cot, which could be made bigger, which was at the end of our bed. We had a very relaxed early few years and it saved us huge amounts of stress. DS is SN but still, it seemed to make things very secure. And if we wanted a cuddle we did have a spare bedroom and options! I just think on balance, you have to be realistic and not try and force separation and getting up half the night kills the passion anyway! DS is now very happy in his own bedroom, moved without a hitch, and seems way more secure than older DS who I practically shoved into his own room as a baby.

I agree with OP. My daughter is 4 and has never slept in our bed. She has always known she sleeps in her bed and we sleep in ours.. she knows she is more than welcome to come and get in for cuddles and cartoons in the mornings.

Because they are only little for a short while so why not? My 5 year old dd has always slept beside me. She has never wanted to sleep alone, which is fair enough, she's just a kid!

but wouldn't it be better to try to persevere with the child to get it to sleep in its own bed? Surely this would happen after 2, 3 or 4 years?

Oh how I laughed. You clearly have been blessed with sleepers. 100% down to luck by the way

Think about how human beings have slept throughout the majority of history.
Think about how human swings sleep in non westernized countries.
It is only in recent years that this obsession with each child needing their own room has come about......oh and so has a huge upturn in mental health issues......? Perhaps there are many things in our modern way of living that contribute to this but i wonder....

I just know that DS1 - into his own room as a baby. It was a nightmare adhering to this. I gave up aged 3, let him sleep in my room and by 5 he was in his own.
DS2 - SN issues, poor sleeper, high anxiety, never tried to move him out. Own bed on our bedroom until age 4. He has his own bedroom now.

So the one I didn’t try to move out became independent quicker!

1. Shared sleep is biologically and anthropologically normal for humans, we are primates, our young (children) do better with close contact and the security it gives them.

1. Forcing young children to independence actually does the opposite, it results in insecure children which grow into emotionally closed teens and adults.

1. Is this a sex thing? Are you wondering how couples who co-sleep manage to maintain a sex life? Do you only ever have sex in bed, at night? How very unimaginative and dull.

1. Why do you, a grown adult, have company when you’re asleep, but expect your 2, 3, 4 year old to sleep alone, in the dark....?

1. Why don’t you sleep with your 2, 3, 4 year olds?

My DD sleeps in our bed, she is nearly 8 and has done it since she started school at 4. Before then she was happily in her own room. DS would only ever occasionally climb into bed with us if he woke up in the night.
I have tried reward charts, fairy doors etc etc to encourage DD back into her own bed. Nothing works. Could I force her? Yes. Will I? No.

She suffers from an anxiety disorder, particularly at school so if sleeping in my bed is what helps her cope with that I will put up with it until she decides overwise.
Every child/family is different and does what works for them.

Well adjusted with good sleep routines kids just toddle off to bed at the agreed time and emerge 12 hours later, rested and calm.

That's exactly what DD is doing now and has been doing for several years(only exceptions when ill or a random weird bad dream). She never did as a baby/toddler though. So has whatever I've been doing completely failed and succeeded at the same time? Or did DD just grew,her sleep patterns adjusted with age and has less needs now at 7 than she had at 7 months?

Why do you care? Are they asking you to sleep in the bed too?

Well adjusted with good sleep routines kids just toddle off to bed at the agreed time and emerge 12 hours later, rested and calm.

I would have let Ted Bundy sleep in my bed for a night's sleep with newborns

I slept in a bed with my mum and daughter a few months ago, no biggy

My 9mo has a great sleep routine, he goes off to sleep at the same time every night (he decided 7pm was nighttime at about 10wo, it was nothing to do with me) with no bother at all. He still wakes up a lot and sometimes needs my help to get back to sleep, sometimes he doesn’t. IME people can really only get their head around children’s sleep from their own experience and find it very hard to imagine any other way

My 3 & 6 yr old get in with me every night. They start off in their own beds but by midnight one of both are in my bed. On Christmas Day me DDs & My Mum all got in my parents day for a nap between dinner and more food

I have no idea why people do this either.... I like a good nights sleep too and my kids only get to sleep in my bed if they are really ill.... do I want a wriggling maniac in my bed every night? No way! But I think we’re a family of people who love their own space and like their sleep.
Ahhh a each to their own situation... so me people think we’re weird for not having kids in our bed every night, but I honestly believe that teaching a child how to sleep well is a life skill

Some kids don’t sleep through the night, my son is about to turn 7 and still wakes up once every night.
Every so often I try to get him to sleep the entire night in his bedroom (and I will do it multiple nights on the trot)- but he wakes in the middle of every night, and then comes to wake me to get in my bed (and he’s also a lot more awake)
If he sleeps in my bed, I either get an uninterrupted nights sleep, or he wakes, realises I’m there and goes back to sleep so quickly a barely notice (my Fitbit tells me it’s happened, but I barely register).
Whatever gets you sleep

Because of flipping Momo 😂😂

Well adjusted kids with good sleep routines toddle off to bed!!🤣🤣🤣 Are you being serious!!?🤣

I have had 2 dc. One slept like an angel the other was a devil in disguise. The angel WOULD toddle off to bed. The devil.,,. Well less said the better. Both treated same, both with same genetic inheritance

Good sleepers are generally down to luck imo

Each to their own. Mine all slept with us as babies as it was easier for feeding but not after that.