To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

Don't know why people are so concerned about this, it's not like they're gonna be doing it as teens 🤷🏻‍♀️

DD (4) has had a great and consistent bedtime routine in her own cot or bed since 3 months. However this child simply doesn't like being alone.

Last night I didn't even notice her get in. I just woke up at 6 this morning and there she was, fast asleep. Annoyingly I was wedged in the middle of the bed between her and DH. Trapped and desperate for a wee!!!

I'm hoping she grows out of it eventually, but for now she needs me and I'm happy to be there for her 💤

I bed share with my 2.5 year old. Why? Because I like cuddles :)

And the thought of my precious small child being alone in the dark makes me so sad.
Adults get to go to bed together to feel safe and loved and protected. So why shouldn't children?

And my sex life is fantastic. You can do it in other places than a bed...

Well adjusted with good sleep routines kids just toddle off to bed at the agreed time and emerge 12 hours later, rested and calm.

I love this. Clearly you’ve met my children

I often wonder about our holier than thou attitude in the western world. The reality is that the western world is in a minority - the vast majority of the world cosleep. And yet we feel confident enough to shout out that we are right. In fact we are most likely v wrong about this, as PPs have said there is much emerging evidence that cosleeping is v beneficial, and probably normal.

I’m also surprised that people think that their fully adult partner in their marital bed, - who can feed himself, clean himself, be continent, smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, vote, - that his needs should take precedence over a totally dependent and vulnerable being. That this dependent being should learn that their needs will not be met, and learn to self soothe. Jeez, most adults I know can’t self soothe and yet we expect this of an immature being.

For clarity, I coslept. Like others, for my sanity. And serious health reasons I won’t go into here. Anyway DC were so lovely and warm and soft and fuzzy. And the delight when they see you in the morning! I still have the warm fuzzies when I think back. It’s so lovely.

She has always known she sleeps in her bed and we sleep in ours

How did your child know that as a newborn?! Has your baby been so cognitively advanced from
birth?! Wow!

Rather than forcing a baby to sleep alone when it isn’t able to reason it out, why not wait until they are older and able to actually understand they have their own bed etc? (Not that they will necessarily want to use it, but fair enough I also do not enjoy sleeping alone 🤷🏻‍♀️)

You’d hate me OP.. my 12 year old still often sleeps with me.. he has nightmares (likely related to trauma / abandonment issues) and he needs me. If we’re all comfortable, why would anyone else be bothered? I’m sure that he’ll grow out of it pretty soon, but right now I’m glad to be his safe place.

DS aged 3 pretty much always jumps in our bed.
I don’t mind, he feels safe and loved and I enjoy the cuddles and morning chats

Not hurting anybody so what’s the problem.

I had this conversation with a colleague this morning. My back is absolutely killing me as my DC, 2,3 & 5 jumped in my bed last night. They all go to bed in their own beds but find their way into my ‘marital bed’ at night, except for DD 5 who tends to sleep in her bed all night. I let them do this as I’m shattered and do not have the energy to put them back as I know they won’t stay in their own beds anyway. It is also a really comforting feeling knowing that all your children are next to you.

I have had 2 dc. One slept like an angel the other was a devil in disguise. The angel WOULD toddle off to bed. The devil.,,. Well less said the better. Both treated same, both with same genetic inheritance

Good sleepers are generally down to luck imo

I hear you, my 1st was a dream, my 3rd pretty much broke me, I tried sleep training it worked for short spells, but it was just time.

My 2nd has autism, once he is asleep he sleeps ok, just getting him there is the issue.

They're so cuddly! 😂

Well I’m going against the majority here, but I agree with you OP.
I’ve had 4 children, all grown up now, and none of them have shared our bed, ever.
We just felt it was better for them to get used to sleeping in their own room from a young age. They were with us in our room for about 3 or 4 months then in a cot in their own little nursery and later in to a bed.
We just felt everyone slept better, no squashing, no tossing & turning, it just worked out fine.
This is just what worked for us .. though every parent is different and i agree it’s horrible when you don’t get a good nights sleep.

I loved sharing a bed with my DS! The cuddles were bloody lovely. We breastfed until 16 months so was a lot easier. He's 2 1/2 now and still ends up in with us or me in with him at some point. Wouldn't have it any other way. I refuse to waste time settling him when he wants one of us. Why is it ok for couples to share a bed yet children not?!

I love sharing the bed with my 5 yr old DS ... much prefer waking up to him than my grumpy old DP

Some people genuinely like co sleeping with older toddler age kids. I personally think that kids need to know who is boss and not think they are entitled to sleep in the 'marital bed ' whenever they want. It's my job to teach them that they are capable of falling asleep and settling themselves in a dark room even if that means sheer exhaustion for me at work for several days running.

They probably don’t want to talk to you about it because you are very judgemental

My 3 children have all slept in the same bed as me. I think it’s natural, it’s makes/made them feel secure. It was easy for breastfeeding, roll them on the boob when they wake and you get straight back to sleep after. So 2 reasons as much sleep as possible and snuggly close bonding time. It’s a no brainer for me and always has been.

My DS , 7 is in with me now . Overtired and a bit viral .

He often comes in during the night for cuddles and I often don't wake until my alarm .

Each to their own and what works for one family is different to another .

When I had ds1 I had a lot of birth trauma and it hurt to sit up and pick him up, so we started co sleeping. He just helped himself to BF in the night and I got a decent night sleep. DH worked away and for long hours so he loved having him in our 'marital bed' as he missed him. Also even pre dc we had never had sex at night so it didn't seem weird and like it was preventing any marital relations.

Then less than 2 years later we had ds2 (I know - HOW? ) and it just seemed automatic he would come in with us. I had a section this time so again found sleeping with ds2 easier. DH carried on sleeping with ds1 as we only had 2 bedrooms and he still loved it.

2 years later we had dd1 (some people actually asked how this could be possible when we didn't sleep in the same bed ) and the boys now 2 and 4 both went in with DH and I slept with DD. She is now 2 and we still all co sleep. We take it in turns to either be with the boys or dd.

We moved to a house with 5 bedrooms when I was pregnant with dd and we didn't allocate rooms or a 'marital bed'. We just put a big bed in each room and everyone slept wherever. Only last year when boys were 5 and 3 did we start defining 2 rooms as theirs and one room as mummy's and one as daddy's. The now 6 year old starts in his bed then joins us 50% nights (unless he is hyper and wont sleep so we just take him to bed with us when we go) and the 4 year old has never slept in his room at all but happily goes to sleep in daddy's bed. DD doesn't have a room yet and sleeps in my room.

We have tried sleep training a couple of times and we all hated it. While co sleeping does have it's draw backs and I've been on my knees with exhaustion when dd would bf every 2 hours till she was 2. I still love cuddling them all in bed and I can't imagine the 2 younger ones being apart from us yet. DS1 often doesn't go to bed till 10pmish and ds2 and dd are frequent night wakers but are easy to shush back to sleep if we are close, so we found this is the way we get at least a little sleep.

THe problem I have found with sleep training is that if you have more than one and are exhausted you just can't have extended periods of no sleep to see it thru. I also hate the idea you can never let them back in for a lazy bf/cuddle.

It's very popular in Asian culture. My DH is Asian and all 3 of his siblings and both parents slept in the same bed when they were children. I don't see what's wrong with it!

The short answer is because I was exhausted by a baby that began having night terrors at 13 mths. Quite frankly I didn't care about my 'marital bed' or 'conjugal rights'. I cared about getting enough sleep so that I didn't kill one or both of us in a sleep deprived car accident. Once I was a single parent, it didn't really matter and sitting on a bedroom floor for 2-3 hours for DD to appear at my door 30 mins later just wasn't an effective use of time. I did eventually persevere when she was 5 1/2 & I moved in with my partner. I spent several weeks sleeping on her bedroom floor though.

I now have to drag her out of bed for school and she regularly does 11 hours.

“Ahhh a each to their own situation... so me people think we’re weird for not having kids in our bed every night, but I honestly believe that teaching a child how to sleep well is a life skill“

Yeah, comments like this... show that “each to their own” is often followed by a good old put-down of what other people do

Of course for some children “learning how to sleep well” might require a stint in their parents’ bed, mightn’t it

not always work. it depends on the child and how the parents prepare them to sleep on their own. Often it depends on how exhausted the parents are and are they up to it.

there’s no need for it, they have to get used to their own bed sometime, and if your going to let them sleep in your bed because they keep crying or whatever, then this sends the message just to cry and mummy/daddy will give in!
Well, that’s just a pile of shit now, isn’t it.

Teaching children that their parents won’t react to their emotions is quite damaging really.

DD doesn’t sleep in my bed because she cries, she does it because she asks. And if I say no, she goes back to her own bed. If I say yes, she sleeps in mine. She is fiercely independent, she just sometimes likes bedtime cuddles.

Glad it all worked out for you, ignoring your children’s needs and all that. My way is working fine for us all here. No need for you to worry so much about us.

Because of flipping Momo 😂😂
Yeah this for us too last night. And from the noises upstairs I expect tonight will be the same. Which is great because it’s a cold night here and she’s lovely and warm.

From an evolutionary perspective, children sleeping alone is not natural. Human babies are weak and would be likely to be attacked by predators, so it's a survival instinct to sleep better with their parents. Also, read up on attachment theory, op. :)