To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

missmother I read a great book called Why Love Matters when DS1 was tiny. It's based on studies into the developing brain and how trying to force independence on babies is damaging and raises cortisol. I would really recommend it as scientific basis for keeping babies close. (Sorry, didn't read your comment so wasn't replying to yours directly!)

@Missmother I was on my knees after 2 years of being up 5/6 hours a night. Everywhere we turned we got no answers or were told to sit letting them scream it out or to sit by their bed. I was so sleep deprived, I started making stupid mistakes. Set the kitchen on fire, couldn't hold a conversation with people. Friends were contacting dh about the state I was in. My HV with my Dd was a sleep expert ran a clinic weekly etc. But she had left and the new one just didn't know how to help us. Everything she suggested did work.

However he just went from being up 30 times a night in his own bed with us sat next to him to sleeping through 13 hours a night. We both woke up, asked each other if he'd been up and realised he hadn't then panicked he had died when he was just sleeping soundly.

Dd was a dream 12 hours a night from 16 weeks. Ds nearly broke me.

I can’t get further than ‘Marital bed’

Correction, everything she suggested did not work.

Missmother I think you are getting the impression that people think you are thick because you are making inferences from one, unproblematic case, making up empirical generalisations and coming to conclusions that are the opposite from the literature, seemingly without being aware of the literature (see attachment parenting, the evolved nest, etc)...without being aware of doing so. Your replies are all ‘poor me, you are all awful’ instead of giving any kind of support to your claims.

Why do I bother with this site? Never in my life have I had people speak to me the way they do on MN.

Well isn't that strange...

For my part, I can safely say I have never come across opinions like yours in real life, or the confidence to express them so categorically even though you clearly state I’ve never had a child that had sleep troubles and therefore what you are saying is pure hypothesis based on no personal experience whatsoever, and what's more, completely contrary to almost every book and study on child development published since John B. Watson's regrettable reign.

@Missmother but you are doing the same and flaming everyone who allows their children in their beds saying it is lazy parenting. I don't see how letting a child scream their heads off because you dont want to deal with them is less lazy either? And you are assuming they scream through temper/not getting their own way but i can remember being utterly terrified, genuinely. My mum would sit fir hours besides me but i would struggle to go off because i knew she'd leave me as soon as I did. People will flame you because it is extremely frustrating to have someone see a problem that they have never experienced that you are trying your best to deal with, to get by and for them to say 'I would deal with it much better'. And as I said, I allowed it and now my kids sleep fine on their own so it doesn't always follow you will have the problem forever

MissMother

My HV was very pro co-sleeping and was satisfied we were doing it with no risks to DS.

I wasn't a lazy parent in the slightest. I've done three degrees in teaching which have covered a LOT of child development research and theory and as a result of being very well read on the subject, decided it was the only way forward for us.

It had nothing to do with crying or not sleeping. It was a decision I made before I was even pregnant.

He has never had any issues with sleeping anywhere else. Grandparents, friends, school trips, Cub camps etc. If you knew anything about co-sleeping, you'd know it gives a child confidence, not the other way round.

Oh, and absolutely no issues putting him in his own bed. He's been in his own room since I decided, when he was 4. He was excited, happy and has slept through every single night ever since, without fail.

eventually they will realise that they’re not always going to get picked up when they cry, same with the sleeping

That makes me feel sick.

Yes but these parents will have issues when they try to put their kids in their own beds.

If you read the thread you will see people saying that’s not necessarily the case as the standard default.

My most ‘problematic’ child who still came into our bed several nights a week as a teen went on week long camps with absolutely no issues, had sleep-overs at friends houses with absolutely no issues and is now an independent young adult who no longer climbs into our bed. So it’s not a given that you will encounter any of the issues you refer to. Maybe those that do are just really unlucky, just like those that have kids that happily stay in their beds are really lucky.

Slept with my mother until I was about seven and I'm alright.

Unless one of these people is someone you share a marital bed is I really don’t see how it’s your business!

My elder two dc haven't slept in my bed for years. They chose to stop coming in to us at around 4.5. This "oh if you let them sleep with you they'll never leave" stuff is bollocks.

Because your going to have a child that won’t be able to stay anywhere else because they will be dependant on sleeping with their parents.
Except that all the evidence suggests this isn't the case. Certainly my 12 year old daughter (who slept in my bed last night btw) has no issues going on sleepovers, guide camp, overseas residentials (which she's done twice in the last 6 months)

Because at some point kids need to start being independent, sleeping in their own bed is the start.
Why do you think that needs to be the start? Why can the 'start' not be some other activity?

Oh, and my son, who also co-slept with us, chose to move into his own room when he was 3 and has been there now for the last 12 years.

Go back a few generations and surely it would have been unlikely for all children to have their own bed anyway? Even when parents shared and children slept in a different room, you’d typically have multiple children in the same bed, especially in less well-off families. If sleeping alone is an essential skill we all must learn then how’s humanity managed up to now?

Because your going to have a child that won’t be able to stay anywhere else because they will be dependant on sleeping with their parents.
Because at some point kids need to start being independent, sleeping in their own bed is the start.

What utter bollox, both of mine have happily slept at nursery, at grandparents, eldest has done cubs camps and school residential.

Youngest is pretty independent, he can do everything expected for his age and more. Quite simply he just likes a cuddle and to be near his parents who he loves at night. Wtf should I deny him that?

Not your circus not your monkeys. Keep your beak out.

OP sounds like you have hit a nerve on MN

What about non-marrieds?

For most people it’s simply so they can get some kip. I don’t imagine many people do it for fun.

@Missmother

"At some point" my newborn baby will have to eat solid food with their own cutlery. So I might as well give them a steak with a serrated knife every evening for dinner now, it'll only take a week or so for them to accept it, it's for their own good.

One day my toddler will have to drive a car, so I guess I'd best start giving her lessons now - I wouldn't want her to be unable to drive when she's older, if she gets into the habit of me driving her I'll never get her into her own car. It's for her own good!

What a load of utter bollocks. Childhood is a process of maturation, and occurs at different rates in different areas for different children. My two year old can converse in full grammatical sentences, but still breastfeeds and often needs a cuddle in the night. Some of her friends have always slept all night in their own cots and ultimately their own rooms and never needed cuddling to sleep, but only have a handful of words - shod their needs be ignored until they can ask for food/water/attention like an adult would? Some of them are toilet trained and others not - do the ones who are not just need to be forced to sit in wet pants until they learn their lesson?

We meet the child where they are, in lots of ways, and don't expect with any other of the aspects of care we give our infants that they "don't really need it" or "will never grow out of it". Why is sleep so uniquely different? Is it because it is the one area where what amounts to neglecting our children's needs (by cry it out and forcing them to sleep alone while we enjoy the comfort of our partners) goes unnoticed and even praised by society at large?

In my husband's culture it's totally normal until the child is about 5 or so.

My dd only left our bed last year, she was 8.She slept much better when she was with us.