To ask why people let their DCs sleep in the same bed?

[amrscot]

I have a couple friends who let their 2, 3 and 4 year olds sleep in their marital beds every night.

Personally I don't understand the reasons behind it and think surely it can't be good for a relationship in the long term.

AIBU to ask others thoughts on this?

I think we somehow missed the point that babies and children somehow sleep better when in bed with parents. i know mine did and i slowly ease them onto their cot by putting the cot next to my side of bed and put my hand on babies hand or if he stir, i just say mummy is here so he is calm by the fact that he can hear my voice even if i dont touch his hand. eventually as time go by, i have to do it less and less and move his cot to his own room. it is a blessing as all of us get a really good night sleep and a contended baby and child. worked everytime with new babies

I let my 4 year old sleep in my bed every single night. But I'm a single parent. I love the snuggles and the big morning hug and kiss I get in the morning

My 2 year old has maybe slept 6 nights out of my bed total. He is a very very mummys boy, very cuddly and very sensitive. Can't see him exiting my bed anytime soon. Luckily for me I kicked out their father when ds was 10 weeks so no relationship to worry about ruining.

His sister has slept maybe 3 nights in my bed, she isn't such a fan 😂

I make no excuse for being blatantly nosy here, and admit it, but do all these children co sleeping actually have their own bedrooms anyway, you know done up as kids rooms, bedding, etc, or have you all saved yourselves a huge amount of money by living in houses with maybe less bedrooms because you know you dont need them?

My 12 year old DS has not slept in my bed for around a year. It was fine when he did, as actually, I would rather see to his needs for mummy cuddles and soothing when he woke fretful from a dream than see to my and DPs needs. That can be done elsewhere at other times. Our relationship is not dependant on sex anyway!

My children are my priority.

Yes but these parents will have issues when they try to put their kids in their own beds.

Um nope. I’ve never discouraged my 6 year old from cosleeping but she can take it or leave it and sleeps just as well in her bed as she does mine. She’s in my bed right now infact. Settled herself to sleep in there. I’ll move her later and she’ll happily sleep in her bed for the rest of the night. Where does she for in your ignorant analogy?

Somebody once told me that I should just leave one of my daughters to cry because she’ll soon work out I won’t be coming for her.

Doesn’t sound emotionally abusive at all. I mean we should be building insecurities as soon as they pop out the womb right?!

maddie my kids have rooms although my 1 year old has never used hers and it’s being used as a guest room for now. My 6 year old uses her room every day to play in and sleep in when she wants to. Although, I do joke when we’re having heavy co-sleeping spells that we could downsize to a 1 bed flat and save a fortune

My 9mo is still obviously a baby but yes he has his own room and cot. The room is big enough to have a double bed in there too which I share with him (or H sometimes shares with him these days) when he needs that (he cosleeps less and less these days of his own accord),

I’ve always co slept from birth.

My 5 and 2 year old still get in our bed, maybe two nights a week. They have their own bedroom, own beds and they go to sleep absolutely fine, we didn’t have a difficult transition from our bed to their own.

Sometimes though, they wake up and want their mum or dad, for a cuddle, or comfort, and that’s absolutely fine. They know where we are.

Just because our young children sleep in our bed now, doesn’t mean we’re going to have them in here when they are grown men, eventually they will outgrow the need for comfort and cuddles from their parents at night time, we’re going to savour these moments whilst we can.

@Yabbers I wish I had a ‘like’ button for your post. Totally agree. It’s all a pile of shit.

OP because I have a really strong relationship with my best friend and soul mate and don’t need to share a bed with him every night. It makes DS2 so happy to have cuddles with mummy or daddy. He smiles in his sleep. Priceless!
DS1 used to be the same but he prefers to be on his own now. He is 8. He is happy, confident and has had loads of sleepovers at various friends. I have a friend who has always been very anti co-sleeping. Her children always look unhappy and her relationship with her husband is strained. I have always wondered why she has been so anti co-sleeping...

@bababoom100

Can't tell if you're a parody or not

I'm always bewildered by the adversarial attitude some posters have towards their children, as if the act of raising a child is a battle against some inborn original sin, as if the child is somehow your enemy. "Show them who's boss", don't let them think they're "entitled" (to what, love and comfort?), teach them "independence" (at not even one year old??). I wouldn't talk about a dog like that, or if I would I just wouldn't get a dog because what would be the point as I clearly don't like dogs or having one very much if that's my attitude!

There's no evidence whatsoever that fighting your kids like this does them any good. And quite a lot of evidence (not to mention common sense) to indicate the opposite is true.

All this balderdash about attachment parenting being "lazy parenting" - well you just might be on to something there because, when you stop trying to do and to make your tiny child do what all the books say you 'should', shake the shit out of your mental space and just listen to both of your instincts and respond to them - parenting is easier.

It is less effort and less upsetting for everyone to accept the fact we're mammals and to accede to our mammalian need to be close to our young and for them to be close to us. The hardship you are left with is having to put up with the majority who have drunk the KoolAid variously condemning, patronising and pitying you for not conforming to their arse-about-face disciplinarian approach that sucks all the joy out of one of the most joyful experiences there is, making and raising lovely children. And frankly the more you allow yourself to love your children, the less you give a shit what anyone else thinks about it.

My two get in my bed so rarely now (7 and 4) and I really miss it. I loved co-sleeping and the snuggles. We had very few issues getting them into beds really. We've just run with what the kids needed and it's all worked out. Each child and each parent is different. So do your thing and let everyone else do theirs.

We call it musical beds! The DC have naturally moved back to their own beds as they get older but it was always adorable to wake up and see all three kids in our bed in the morning while my DH and I had moved to roomier beds for a good nights sleep. I remember being a child and being allowed to climb in with my DP in the middle of the night. I loved it, It felt just like love and like a soul bursting hug! I wanted the same for my DC.

For us it is because it was easier than putting dd back to sleep on her own, then having her wake up and cry after 5 minutes to repeat the cycle. Like others have said, it was either have dd sleep with us or get no sleep at all.

DS was great, and did everything to the minute. DD right up to the age of 4 would wake up in the middle of the night wanting company. Even when we tuck her up in her bed initially, she would wonder in the middle of the night to our bed.

Didn't do any of us any harm.

Because humans are the only mammals that cast their young out of the bed at such a vulnerable age - specifically, western humans that have prioritised sexual relations over familial relations. It's the norm the world over.

Because sleep is lovely and however we achieve that is also lovely.

Because it builds secure lifelong attachments.

Because we want to and our partners do too.

We've never done it, but I guess it's each to their own. It does piss me off when parents start whining later on if their child won't sleep in its own bed, though. We wouldn't get any sleep with them IN the bed, wriggly little buggers. When they are sick one of us sleeps on a blow-up next to their bed, which seems to keep them happy. Hard enough to find private time with DH without extra bodies in the bed.

Namestheyareachangin
Great post.

I share a king-size bed with my child (who turned 8 a couple of hours ago) in her room. She likes it. I prefer it to sharing with my partner, for various disability-related reasons. So until she decides to eject me, or we get a 3 bedroom house, that's where I shall be sleeping.

Namestheyareachangin brilliant post!

If my children wake in the night and want comfort, they will be welcome in my bed at any age. Nighttime can be a scary and lonely place! My sister did this with her three boys and the youngest (8) still occasionally gets into bed with them, though not very often now, the teenagers, funnily enough, haven’t for years. We’re so far removed from what’s natural for our species these days, some patents attitudes still feel very Victorian. I think people genuinely fear that showing too much love/comfort will result in a child who can’t be independent and struggles with confidence, when the absolute opposite is true.

When our DC come to our room in the middle of the night, we have them sleep on a spare mattress. Mine are too wriggly, I cannot sleep well next to them. But happy to share the room if that makes them feel better after a scary dream.

Family bed until past toddler stage with dc.

It was safe. Dh slept across foot of bed.

"Marital bed?" Since when is that the only place to be intimate??

Many pleasant memories of dc safely upstairs with babygate, sleeping while nice fireplace romance downstairs.

Looks like @amrscot has fled, but fwiw loads of people without kids, or those the Gina Ford type attitudes feel this way. However when you cosleep with your children, particularly little children, the bonding you get is second to none, it's the only time you'll have that closeness as they grow and need their space - in your long life and hopefully long marriage you have many opportunities to sleep with your partner but the children thing is short lived

I wouldn't change for the world, albeit now my 6 year old often gets carried back to his own bed when DH comes to bed as the space is limited now he's getting bigger and the 10 year old doesn't often want to share a bed now through the night as she likes her own space and toys in her bed

@maddiemookins16mum we live in a cave, so co-sleeping has been an ideal solution for us.

@Namestheyareachangin I love you, best response to this question ever

“fwiw loads of people without kids, or those the Gina Ford type attitudes feel this way”

Yes my attitude before children wouldn’t have been quite so obnoxious but I would definitely have been confused by regular cosleeping had I thought about it at all - though I don’t think I did really think about it as it’s not any of my business! Having said that, I can remember being welcomed into my parents’ bed when I was small and I know my mum regularly coslept with a younger sibling because he was quite wakeful