To seethe at articles like this - 'I didn't know who my friends were until I was a mother'

[Likethewind321]

This one specifically:

www.mother.ly/love/motherhood-helped-me-understand-what-real-friendship-is?fbclid=IwAR1DgYhJay05k6JEZ7s4i6blGZ3wwycCsbJhZFWB8rMf3KSq8aXR_ROXSYI

I wonder what happens to all those 'silly frivolous friends who only cared about going out and having fun' Those friends who were shallow, who never really 'got it' ?

I'll tell you! One of two things. 95% of them will all have kids too, just maybe a few months or years later. And when they do, they will then also transform into wonderful human beings who 'get it'. They may not hang out with their old friends but they will become the newfound besties of whichever mums they meet in clinic or playgroup.

And the other 5%? They won't have children, and will silently watch as their friends all turn away and step into the social world of toddler groups, playdates, birthday parties, mummy chat groups, mummy coffee dates and mummy nights out. Watch as they make new friends, friends who 'get it'. This 5% will be dismissed as having never been a 'real friend' in the first place.

And can they complain about it? No. Because if they do they will be thought of as bitter or envious. A bit lonely and sad. They will probably be pitied.

Well guess what. I think it's being childless in a world where motherhood is worshiped, to find out who your friends REALLY are.

@BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney and yet your posts imply that.

What a fantastic, interesting thread!.

It's difficult for men as well, to be honest ..dads v non dads. My non-dad pals really tried to guilt and 'shame' me into having late nights , and it was really only the dads that appreciated the money, opportunity and inclination to go out boozing had severely diminished.

What's difficult for men , moreso than women I think, is that friendships are often just about meeting in a pub and drinking. If you cant do that, then you are struggling.

I also have to comment, I haven't met any new 'dad' friends to socialise with in the 6 years of being one, where as my partner has a cracking new social life with mums shes met at toddler groups, nursery and school.

Mothers get wrapped up in their children- how is that a bad thing?
Babies and children need their caregivers to be utterly all-consumed by them, how can anyone begrudge that?

Mothers get wrapped up in their children- how is that a bad thing?
Babies and children need their caregivers to be utterly all-consumed by them, how can anyone begrudge that?

I hate to break this to you, but you do know they grow up, don’t you?

Yes, it’s wonderful to be absolutely in love with your little tiny babies, but if you let your entire identity be subsumed by motherhood, what are you going to do when you’re not needed as a mother with quite the same intensity anymore?

I would think it was just common sense to maintain friends outside of motherhood and interests that don’t involve your children. For most parents the window of being intensely needed by our children is a relatively small one, maybe 5, 10 years out of 80.

I suspect these mothers who have babies and then drop everything and everyone who came before are probably the ones who end up being moaned about on here for being nightmare overbearing DMs or MILs.

I totally agree with your last line. I am childless by choice and I dont want that to change. Despite helping my friends through their pregnancies, helping with new borns, babysitting and spending crazy amounts of money on these babies... after about 2 years I was dropped. No longer useful. They tell me I don’t ‘get it’ because I’m not a mum and don’t want to be one. They became envious of my lifestyle that they became vicious. So while I have a beautiful home, nice cars, nice holidays and a comfortable disposable income, i am now friendless.

I suspect these mothers who have babies and then drop everything and everyone who came before are probably the ones who end up being moaned about on here for being nightmare overbearing DMs or MILs.

I suspect some women choose to disappear into motherhood because they didn't have much going on before, or possibly actively wanted to get away from their previous lives/selves. It's like emigrating - becoming a mother offers a new start, and you can make a virtue of shedding your previous life, if so inclined.

I suspect some women choose to disappear into motherhood because they didn't have much going on before, or possibly actively wanted to get away from their previous lives/selves. It's like emigrating - becoming a mother offers a new start, and you can make a virtue of shedding your previous life, if so inclined

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. Tell me again, that this thread isn't anti mother

Its fine if you want to be subsumed by motherhood. But don't emerge 5 years later and expect friends to still be there.

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. Tell me again, that this thread isn't anti mother

Eh? I'm not anti mother (what with...being one and all). Doesn't stop me having the opinion that some women deliberately replace their previous life/self/friends when they have a child.

Yuck

On so many levels

Oh come on! I know a woman who had quite a few kids because she did not want to go back to work. Not everyone has kids for good reasons. Just as some women have kids to stop their partner leaving them. Although it rarely works.
Of course most mothers have kids for good reasons. But not all. And it is naive to insist that all mothers do.

Nonsense. I had a great life before j had a baby and no ours wasn't planned but she's definitely a massive bonus. And yes whilst she is only a few months old you're bloody right I'll be consumed by her. I've never forgotten about anyone in my life and always ask questions in relation to what's going on with them. I don't feel guilty for not having time to go on day drinking sprees etc just now. I don't feel bad for loving my child. It's disgusting you suggest some people think having a baby is a way to bring out a new you. It's beautifully rewarding and hard work and requires all your attention. Fml. This thread has turned to shit.

What is with all this mother carry on????? It was about a woman feeling ditched by her friends!!!!!

This thread is full of insults towards mother's camouflaged as opinion!

Mothers not 'mother's'

Clairemcnam, you seem to know quite a few mothers that all prove your points.

Exactly. Im so mad. I've spent last couple of posts peace keeping and genuinely saying I see it from both sides an it's about womanhood etc I don't understand the deliberate snide comments.

I know a couple of Mums who along with their husbands have decided on big families because they like being parents and they have the cash to fund it, nothing to do with not wanting to return to work FFS!

Oh and if they wanted to return to highly paid professional jobs could do very easily as their skills are in demand! Absolutely nothing to do with deciding to turn the back on their old life, they could pick if where they left off, they have choices!

GoldenBear I am in my late 50s. By my age, unless you are very unsociable, you have met a lot of people. So woman who had quite a few kids to avoid going back to work was married to an exes friend, about 34 years ago. Easy when you are older to have lots of examples. Contrary to what you are implying, I am not making it up. And woman who have kids to get partner to stay with them are from some posts on MN and NM. I am not saying this is common, but yes it happens.
I also have some family that makes shameless look tame. So I suspect I may have been exposed to more unsavoury characters in my young adult life, than most people. I am NC with them now.

As I said most mothers have babies for good reasons, love them and try their best.
And friendships vary a lot. From those you do things with, to real friends who will be there for you. The latter are far and few between. So when my cousin was murdered there were really only 2 friends, a couple, who were there for me. The rest said platitudes and then pretty much disappeared.

GoldenBear I too know plenty of women who love being mothers and would have lots of kids if they had the money.

I don't feel guilty for not having time to go on day drinking sprees etc just now. I don't feel bad for loving my child. It's disgusting you suggest some people think having a baby is a way to bring out a new you. It's beautifully rewarding and hard work and requires all your attention. Fml. This thread has turned to shit.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard/read mothers saying that having children has made them a better person.

And btw “going on all day drinking sprees” is that what you think childless/childfree people do with their free time?

Um no!!!! That's what I used to do!! Hence why I said it. Used to have lunch an do pub crawls or some nights we'd have takeaway an gossip in someone's house. And my friends haven't made me feel bad for it either before you ask that. Ffs any excuse for someone to take offence an make someone else's post about them. Having my baby has changed my outlook on life. It's made me want to enroll back in uni and not struggle with minimum wage jobs as I'm qualified for nothing! I can't speak for everyone but I can speak for myself quite well. I'm horrified the sneaky wee comments people are throwing in.

It hasn't made me a better person but it has certainly focused my mind and my husband would agree. Financially we are responsible for two more people and we have to manage that and provide for them. The point is they have become our priority but from believing that we are not passing comment on other people's choices.

Prior to children we certainly did have a carefree and exciting life not one compatible with children. However we had our first in our mid to late twenties and our parents were relatively fit, not particularly 'old', they could help with babysitting we didn't have to care for anybody else like others may do in their 20's. We both had very good jobs so full pay maternity leave for 9 months. It wasn't me starting again.