To seethe at articles like this - 'I didn't know who my friends were until I was a mother'

[Likethewind321]

This one specifically:

www.mother.ly/love/motherhood-helped-me-understand-what-real-friendship-is?fbclid=IwAR1DgYhJay05k6JEZ7s4i6blGZ3wwycCsbJhZFWB8rMf3KSq8aXR_ROXSYI

I wonder what happens to all those 'silly frivolous friends who only cared about going out and having fun' Those friends who were shallow, who never really 'got it' ?

I'll tell you! One of two things. 95% of them will all have kids too, just maybe a few months or years later. And when they do, they will then also transform into wonderful human beings who 'get it'. They may not hang out with their old friends but they will become the newfound besties of whichever mums they meet in clinic or playgroup.

And the other 5%? They won't have children, and will silently watch as their friends all turn away and step into the social world of toddler groups, playdates, birthday parties, mummy chat groups, mummy coffee dates and mummy nights out. Watch as they make new friends, friends who 'get it'. This 5% will be dismissed as having never been a 'real friend' in the first place.

And can they complain about it? No. Because if they do they will be thought of as bitter or envious. A bit lonely and sad. They will probably be pitied.

Well guess what. I think it's being childless in a world where motherhood is worshiped, to find out who your friends REALLY are.

@ mstwswift?

What is wrong with you? That's a ridiculous and horrible thing to say.

Why do you think so @Samind?

If you're not totally focused on your baby it could die. I'm borderline postnatal anxiety and that was a horrible thing to read!!!. Wtf does that even mean? I love my baby to death but housework still needs done, washing, dinners need made etc we still need to go out for walks activities and I still have to meet friends in this time. Doesn't mean to say I'm not totally focusing on her but other things need doing too.

I think we can easily spot the poster with absolutely no empathy. You MsTSwift, should be ashamed of yourself, coming into a parenting site and spouting that horrible nonsense.

If you are not totally focussed on your baby it could die. So yes mothers of tiny babies are rather “focussed” on them and less so on hearing about their friends work gossip. Sensitivity cuts both ways.
This does make it sound like you think the lives of those without children are worthless and trivial compared with yours.

I see. Yes I can see that would be hard to read if you're already anxious. I took it to mean that even when you're doing other things (which is necessary of course!) you're still thinking about the baby. So you're a bit less interested and engaged in the gossip and chat you previously had with your friends. But I can see your point.

@SerenDippitty I'm sorry but I really do think you're reading that into every post sometimes without much basis. I get it that this is due to your own past but I think your experiences are colouring the way you read the posts. Of course new mums are less interested in work gossip...

Being obsessed with your tiny baby is surely a biological drive to ensure the continuation of the human race. Babies require intense consistent attention so consequently we whoever is main caregiver (temporarily) has less to give friends than we did before. Why is that controversial? My kids enormous now and it’s way less intense but try fully focussing on your friends latest boyfriend drama while your 2 year old plays by a lake - you can’t.

Bollocks. I've had friends over and been out to see them with a collicky an reflux baby for hours. Your point made out that if you didn't focus on them completely they could die. In always interested on what's going on with the people around me. And if they want to gossip about work or boyfriend's then so be it. I'm furious at your insensitivity and stupiditiy

This new page just proves on both sides how easy it is to take offence at something when it involves your own personal struggles and a perceived slight against them.

@Cside???

I must say I am more distracted when I meet my friends these days. I do listen and engage in our usual chat but I always have half my mind on my baby... Although I try not to let it show!

@baby. I'm not! I think it's just as important to give your focus when you're out to see friends. They still have things going on an want to talk about. Even I would crack up if I had a mum friend and all she wanted to talk about was their baby 😂😂

Samind I didn't read MsTSwifts post how you did, but I think because you have a reason (you mentioned postnatal anxiety) you read that as an attack on your personal circumstances just as a lot of others have done with various comments on this thread and been told they are wrong to read it that way.

I just think unless you're experiencing what that other person is, it's very easy to say 'you're reading too much into that' etc...

I'm not saying you're wrong to be offended by the way, I'm saying I didn't see that side of the post initially because I've not experienced what you have.

I don't keep talking about my baby! But half my mind is on her. I engage in the chat but either I'm holding / feeding / entertaining my baby or if I'm out without her (which I've only done three times so far) I definitely have an ear out for my phone to see if there's any update on how / what she's doing.

My friends completely understand that though.

Mstswift has previously stated that your status falls through the floor when you're a mother which is bullshit. I don't see it as an attack on my personal circumstance. I see as a ridiculous thing to say. It was never mentioned by midwives, health visitors or antenatal classes so where the fuck does the science come from? there is 24
Hours in a day and there's no way you can possible spend them all focusing on a baby. My world and days do revolve about baby just now but I do other things too. With or without friends.

I read Mstswifts post to mean that when you have a baby, they rely on you for their basic needs being met, and if their care giver didn’t meet these needs then there would be serious consequences for the baby. That’s why you’re always kind of aware as to what your baby needs, even subconsciously. I certainly didn’t see any offence in the post.

I don’t think it means sitting there watching your baby for 24 hours a day like a hawk and not moving or doing other things.

I used to leave my first quite regularly with my mum at a young age so I could still meet friends and have a bit of a life, I was 20 though when he was born so it was a huge shock, and I lived with her at the time so it made it easier.

Meralia that's how I read it too.

I said that it isn't fair to drop old friends just because they don't have kids

I don't think women with kids consciously exclude those without. It's just that when you have kids, hanging out with women who are in the same boat often becomes desirable. It's like sharing a hobby, a hobby that consumes most of your time and energy. Raising kids can be all-encompassing. With other mothers you find common ground, from birth stories to child behaviour, advice, practical help, solidarity. I don't think someone without a child can truly comprehend what it's like being woken every hour for feeds, or leaving child at nursery for the first time, or how your relationship changes when a baby is born.

When I've tried to talk to my friends without kids about child related stuff, they look bored. And that irritates me because I listen to their problems and try to understand. But really I'm not interested in her dog's health problems the way another dog owner might be.

Small children mean broken sleep, early bedtimes, exhaustion and little free time without the kids. I don't expect my friends without kids to come to softplay or the park (where our conversation will be interrupted) but I also don't want to go out for dinner when I'd rather be in bed, or give up my childfree Saturday afternoon to listen to their work problems.

Friendships change and move on, it's not personal just part of life.

I read Mstswifts post to mean that when you have a baby, they rely on you for their basic needs being met, and if their care giver didn’t meet these needs then there would be serious consequences for the baby. That’s why you’re always kind of aware as to what your baby needs, even subconsciously. I certainly didn’t see any offence in the post.

Yes me too.

And given this sudden and consuming responsibility, I think there’s huge pressure on women to keep up with all the other stuff that occupied them prior to the birth.

Housework, appearance, what’s happening in work, friends, social life, husband, sex, etc.

If I’m being honest, everyone of those things became less immediate and consequential to me after giving birth. I simply did not have the mental, emotional, physical energy for all of them plus meeting a newborn’s needs.

Work gossip, to take an example mentioned earlier, suddenly seemed like another world away.

I said before I am consumed by her but I still do other things. I still think about other things and take interest in what's going on with people because it's important to them. Focusing on a child is not always in the moment and I know that too. It is a subconscious thing too. Before you leave the house or after you've done something etc maybe I'm just a really fortunate person to have good friends but I have had people whove been in my life a lesser time and they have sort of drifter but I'm not mad about it or even upset. A million times i've said about each to their own! Also my anxiety is not related to baby dying so your theory is out the window.

Agreed on the energy front when I couldn't face a conversation with dp when he came home. But I've also felt the same kinda drained when I alternated between day an night shifts.

Samind, no one linked your anxiety with MsTSwifts post but you.

As others have suggested, I think the poster meant a baby will die if it's primary needs are not met and so biologically we are programmed to be subconsciously focussed on them. I didn't take it to mean if you do anything other than be with your child 24/7 they will die and you are an awful parent. There's obviously a reason why you read the post differently to others.

Read back to your post after I replied to mstswift.