To think that Sunday roasts with 3 kids are hell

[lostinthoughts]

Feeling like a failure....

My 3 DC are ages 5, 3 and 1 and will sit at a table during a family roast dinner with my parents for approximately 10 minutes and eat next to nothing before asking to get down from the table to go and play.

I wish they would sit for longer and have a chat/do their usual funny stuff as my parents would love that but instead the scarper.

I can literally feel my DM's disdain and know what she is thinking that I have ferral kids

Please tell me I'm not the only one? Or if I am, then tell me your secrets

LOL IAmMoana yes you are smug.

The key is that your daughter loves the food. And us happy to sit and socialise.

Not all kids are the same and honest parents who have one of each type will tell you so.

my point is it makes for a miserable joyless experience which is what most people are talking about

NO IT ISN'T, and NO IT DOESN'T

I have huge sympathy for the OP (see my post about eating at SIL's house above) but family meals are not some joyless dictatorship. We have always, since they were tiny, eaten all meals at the table. This is in part because I don't like food smeared all over the sofa etc. So, drinks, snacks, breakfast, the lot, at the kitchen table.
As babies they were on my lap or in a high chair.

We never had to scold or fuss etc, they sat, they ate, they asked nicely to get down, and we either said, hang on, there is pudding coming, or we said, yes get down and come back in 5 minutes for pudding.

It is habit, no more or less. Some kids get it earlier, some later, some like food more than others, so it is easier, like al habits it takes a while a repetition helps

The hardest one was always when they were really in the middle of something and didn't want to stop for food.

The key is that they do not want to sit for an hour when adults are talking, and who wants to sit at a table with kids and spend the whole time telling them off? Pour more wine for the adults, let kids go, and call kids back when pudding is ready.

Why are family meals being painted a some horrible cower in the face of evil parents experience? Mostly they are just normal, normal chat, normal food etc.

As the parents of teens who still insists that we eat a meal together round the table, I am extremely glad we do it, it is the one time we are all together, good talk happens, it is a habit I am glad we started.

IamMoana my 3 year old is exceptionally well behaved in preschool and sits quietly and eats. At home and especially at restaurants - different story. Also preschool is in the morning/afternoon and she gets most cranky as the day wears on, I'd say every other night she's in a bad mood at dinner.

So yeah - like I said above, all DCs are different and even with the same child different actions at different times. I don't believe there are any 3 year old who are happy sitting at every.single.meal.

People seem to forget that adults are so good at sitting round a table eating because they like it. I am a world class arse-sitter and if there is a huge plate of food to consume while I'm sitting down that is even better.

When I was a child I couldn't sit still at the table. But I was world class at dressing dollies while sitting on the floor. I considered the adults in my life very badly trained that they would only last ten minutes or so and then make an excuse to do something less boring instead. Also parks. I could go on the swings and slides from dawn till dusk but my tedious parents were done in half an hour.

If you do want to do formal meals with your children OP, what worked for us was a "starter" aimed mostly at the children. Get normal children food but arrange it nicely on (unbreakable) plates and sit formally to eat this (adults pick at olives and drink wine, children eat small slices of cut up pizza out of a ramekin with some artfully arranged crisps). Children then can opt to eat main course or go off to play. It's teaching them to be formal and elegant about food but without major it a joyless experience for them.

All the perfect Peters on here should know there is nothing sacred out toast dinners. We eat them because they are nice. If they aren't nice for you you don't actually need to have one your whole life long

Well at 5, 3 and 1 what do you expect. I'd probably expect the 5 yr old to sit and eat in a sensible way. Some DC just aren't interested in leisurely eating either, our dd is but fussy eater ds sees it all as a chore, restaurant meals are totally wasted on him. Perhaps give them colouring stuff, a puzzle to keep them at the table a bit longer.

1 and 3 are too young to be made to sit. Yes, serve them food at the same time but i let mine go off when theyve has enough and want to go.
I never force my kids to sit with everyone for the whole meal and they’re absolutely fine in restaurants and at other people’s homes.
Don’t make it a miserable experience that they have to endure.
As long as they know that this is a meal time and this is when they’re expected to eat (minimal snacks between meals) then hopefully, it should be a routine they get used to.

@HotpotLawyer I can assure you I'm not smug. I've had to carry my daughter from social situations in a barrel hold, she can give the devil himself a run for his money. Giving my experience isn't smug, it's just how things are for us and I fully appreciate they can change at a moments notice and I'd have to work on it. I've found the thread interesting, anyway, and hope the OP finds some useful tips and strategies.

Young children often carnt sit nicely for an adult meal. They get there eventually and I see no need to push the issue. Eating at school with a group of other young children is not comparable.

I think you have to have the expectation that they will sit.
Mostly the kids I know who struggle with this beyond toddlerhood are the ones who's parents say things like "She won't sit for that long" in the child's earshot or who let them run around the table at a restaurant until their food is ready without even attempting to get them to sit down,

sit at a table during a family roast dinner with my parents for approximately 10 minutes and eat next to nothing before asking to get down from the table to go and play.

Go earlier so they are less excited by surroundings?
Go for a long walk/play in nearby park beforehand so they are more likely to sit still.
Make sure that are actually hungry – light breakfast no snacks and meal at a time they’d normally eat.
Avoid Sunday lunches with family till children are older and are used to the expectations to sit for longer – maybe they are picking up your stresses about them behaving.

Talk to them while at the table, possibly allow colouring.

I am surprised that five-year-old can’t manage to sit at the table for normal meal length. They’d certainly be expected to sit through things at school.

Mind could sit at theses ages in cafe and restaurants, but they'd often have had a long walk before hand and I did leave if they didn't behave - so if they wanted food they learnt to sit and wait at tables.

Family houses were often more difficult - expectations people jumping in when you try and get the behaviour you want undermining you, judgements about your parenting and often exciting toys they know are around for a limited amount of time. There may also be none meal time food that is offered.

No pudding for those who don’t sit at the table until lunch is finished by everyone else.
Do some parenting, children aren’t born knowing the rules of society.

No pudding for those who don’t sit at the table until lunch is finished by everyone else.

That tends to work well at home - IME it's often harder in other people's homes.

Hosts ignore, if it's with held judge you on any resulting bad behaviour on child's part, they refuse them anything else rest of day or they'll refuse to give sweet thing and blame usually the mother for it.

MIL and Mum have complained I’ve said they children will eat a dish - which they will but they've both spent many years teaching them if they refuse they get something they like even more only thing that's stopped that is kids getting older.

Bribes work .

Honestly out of all of those the only one I would expect to be able to sit still for more than 5/10 minutes is the 5 year old and even then, I wouldn’t fret if they didn’t. They’re still very young.

I thought I was a whizz, a teenager who ate everything his whole life and loves sprouts and now I have a 21 month old who will only eat pea's and no meat or veg unless it's hidden under a mound of mashed potato and finds nothing more pleasurable than squashing it all under his drink cup and throwing any veg I sneak into his dinner on the floor ... every child is different and now we have a 6 month old who seems to be a fussy one too. He eats his puree's like a demon but refuses his milk unless it sits within a very specific temperature range lol, he will gag and throw his bottle if it reaches anything close to lukewarm.

I just make roasts for the pleasure of myself, hubby and teenage son, the toddler gets given the same as us despite his antics as their tastes change so rapidly at a young age and we are working on the food chucking but by christ I feel your pain! We just did steak last Christmas instead of a roast for a simpler life and will likely do so for the next 5 years or so!

We all forget what raising young and independent little people is like, God knows I did, but at the same time there are the moments you know you are on the right track, like when they say thank you and please. I wouldn't worry about the chaos too much, just relax and enjoy your babes as their dinner time antics will be distant memory when they grow up xxxx

Kids don't want to sit quietly at the table for long periods eating a dinner they don't like.
A 5 year old certainty sit and eat the dinner and can sit a bit longer, a 3 year old will eat it if they like it but then they are looking to leave asap and the 1 year old will sit in a high chair and hopefully not start throwing food about and start squealing.

Why would you make more difficult than it has to be.

Excellent for all the parents whose children ate salad at 2 years old, most don't it's not actually a problem.

My eldest was a really picky eater at around 1 yr/2 yrs old. Part of the problem was that he was used to pasta type dishes - lots of things all mixed together. Roast dinners were a nightmare, because everything was separate. He wouldn't eat any of it. Because Sundays roasts are a big thing in my extended family and I couldn't face the thought of years of the same misery, I decided it was a battle worth having. As a family of 3, we had roast dinners (almost) every week for about 3 months. Gradually he started eating more. It was pretty soul destroying taking so long cooking something that he would pretty much refuse to eat, but it worked. He now likes roast dinner, and we made a point with his younger brother of keeping food separate so he's used to that type of meal. You've got 2 choices - let it go, and learn not to care about what your mum might think. Or tackle it head on and get them used to roast dinner by making it a regular meal for them.

Make a rule - they must eat their first course, then they are allowed to get down and play whilst awaiting pudding. That way they know there is a limit on the sitting still, which they find so hard. Bugger anyone who sniffs at it - your house, your rules. All children are different i their development - some children happy to sit there, others not.

In our family Sunday dinner is a joy. We all sit around the table, including grandchildren. What has happened to quality family time, enjoying a meal together?

My grandchildren like food and enjoy a roast. The youngest is three and even she will sit nicely and tuck in. My daughters give their children real food to eat, including plenty of fresh vegetables.

It's no wonder we have an obesity epidemic if all some children get to eat is pizza and chips.

Nannybigbum - you're just lucky that your grandchildren are of a nature where they haven't kicked off at family meals. Mine wouldn't sit for more than 5-10 minutes at a dinner like this until nearly 4. It's much nicer for all involved if they just eat the bits they liked then went to play and let everyone enjoy theirs. Yes I could have forced them or set the expectation, but that would have ruined many an occasion for everyone - is that the kind of Sunday dinner you would have liked?

My eldest is now nearly 7 and enjoys meals as you describe and has lovely table manners, and the younger one is getting there.

So much of this stuff isn't about parenting (to a point) it's just about luck of the nature of children under the age of about 4.

When I was a child, I remember that we sat at a small table by the big table where the grown ups were for Sunday lunch. It was much more fun as we could behave a bit badly and eat with our mouths open and stick our tongues out at each other, with minimal oversight. We would be released from this hell when mum thought we'd eaten enough or when we got a bit too boisterous but had to return for pudding.

I think enabling us to eat a bit separately from the adults, while still being close, meant that we actually sat and ate for a bit longer than we might have as we were much less bored.

OP I remember my two boys were exactly the same at 5 & 3 years - I couldn't have gotten a roast dinner into either of them after the age of 18 months (ironic given they were pretty much weaned on them) so I just didn't bother giving them a roast at all until recently.

I did roast beef on Christmas day and sent them out to play early in the morning to work up their appetites. My boys are both "food for fuel" and don't eat unless they're really really hungry, so if I want them to try something new or eat something then I pretty much starve them first and then place a plate of warm food under their noses to trigger their appetites (not even joking, this always works!)

I'm bringing them back to UK for Easter break and we'll be staying with my parents. Roast dinners are my death row meal, I love them so much I could eat them every day of the week, and I know my mum will cook them for us, so over the next few weeks I'm going to be making multiple roast dinners so nothing comes as a "surprise" to them.

That being said, they'll eat most meats, broccoli, potato, swede (if I disguise both under some gravy) and DS1 loves yorkshires so that's a win!

I don't think its necessarily the meal that is the problem but definitely the ages your kids are at. I didn't even consider family meals at those ages because they were just too damn stressful. Now my two are 7 & nearly 5 and I make sure we have at least 2-3 family meal times a week.

Don't worry, I'm also concerned my kids will be a disaster at my mum and dad's house too when we go back, despite their ages!

I cannot understand this angst over roast dinners.

Honestly forcing toddlers to sit for hours is really not the reason your teens like to sit now!!
Nothing has paid off all that's happened is your DC has actually developed enough to do something... sit longer... appreciate food more.

I've never forced my DC so how come my DC love roasts, Xmas meals and has exemplary table manners ....

I don't buy into this rigidity or the idea that eating together somehow makes you a closer family etc.

It's fuck all to do with 'good parenting'. Good parenting doesn't affect a child's appetite or tastebuds

Oh pull the other one...a poster actually suggested giving a kid nuggets instead of a roast to make sure they’d stay at the table.

I’m far from smug and I’m sure I’ve fucked up various parenting tasks over the years. But nutrition and a healthy diet is important to me...my 21 month old wouldn’t recognise a chicken nugget if it smacked him in the face, because I don’t cook them.

Food is food. From weaning, my dc have been given pasta and rice dishes, roast dinners, every veg or fruit available, soups, curries and casseroles, sprouts and olives and asparagus and liver and lentils...and lots of other random ‘adult’ food. They eat salad every day with lunch.

They each have a few specific dislikes, obviously.

A child that chooses a chicken nugget over a roast, or one that will ‘only eat sausages and chips’ isn’t doing so because of their ‘tastebuds’ They’re doing so because that food has been given to them, become normal, become habit.

Nope.

I fed DD range of food.
I fed her chicken nugget s.

Lovingly hand made, in egg, breadcrumbs... etc.

Everything lovingly hand made by scratch. Her appetite is good, pallet broad but still inspite of best practise it went limited.

Opening up again now, she's really adventurous again now. Eg choosing crab and then samoas at food market.

I couldn't force that on her, I couldn't force those taste buds.

There's such a mid conception between what you do and how child is...we often do feel our children are solely the product of how we treat them and some of us get that child whose wild.. and no amount of gourmet eating will make it a gourmand.

Well, NannyBigBum, my Dc were always given what you call ‘real food’ made from scratch and were not actually fussy eaters . They didn’t prefer pudding to main, either and couldn’t be bribed by any form of food including ice cream or chocolate. They just were not interested in ‘tucking in’, as your grandchildren do, as an activity.

What ever happened to quality family time going for a nice walk together! Chatting and discovering things? No wider we have an obesity crisis if all kids do is sit down and tuck into roast dinners with their grandparents!