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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 24/02/2019 16:21

There seem to be a lot of overly offended people on this thread when it comes to their children.

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 16:21

The wedding isn’t about you, or your child and you are being entirely unreasonable to expect the couple to change what they want from their special day to what suits you. You were told no kids, you were told other kids weren’t being invited.
Stop it. Either go, or don’t. That’s okay but you don’t get to dictate anyone else’s wedding day. You’ve had your own.*

That’s horse shit. They can indeed choose what they want for their wedding, and if that is massively inconvenient, expensive and difficult for their loved ones they can’t be annoyed if their loved ones don’t go. Simple as that.

OP has more pressing responsibilities than the “big day” of two grown adults. I see this a lot from people who are getting married and who don’t have kids - a few years later many of them do and then it’s them shocked at how their friends and loved ones don’t understand what it’s like to have children. I guess you just don’t get it unless you have them.

Shmithecat2 · 24/02/2019 16:21

Yanbu to not want to leave your dd for 5 days, but your dbro is NBU for wanting a child free wedding either. It's not about you or 'the family', it's about him and his wife to be. At 2, I wouldn't have left my ds with grandparents for 5 days for their sake, not his, but I did leave him for 5 days once with dh whilst I had a brief holiday with a girl friend. It was lovely. No abandonment issues Hmm. Of course, if you don't want to attend by yourself then don't. When a couple stipulate no children, they need to appreciate that some invitees may not be able to attend because of childcare issues, especially for a destination wedding. Basically, you need to accept that dd is not invited and your dbro needs to accept that you might not attend because of that.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 24/02/2019 16:21

TBF if my bro got married (unlikely) and didn't invite kids I'd assume he didn't want any of us really and it was a way of getting that

Skincaresos · 24/02/2019 16:21

I wouldn't leave my DC for 5 days for any reason, absolutely no way. So personally I wouldn't go and would make my apologies now. I wouldn't combine it with a family holiday unless it was a destination I was keen to visit already and it happened to fit with annual leave.

cabingirl · 24/02/2019 16:21

The simplest solution is to all go and have your family holiday and then for the ceremony and reception - either hire a local babysitting service at the hotel for your child or your DH looks after her. The wedding/reception itself will then be child-free as they wish but you'll still be able to have a lovely family holiday together. They can't ban children from Croatia!

TheNavigator · 24/02/2019 16:22

I would go out there the 3 of you and get your partner to look after your 2 year old for the actual wedding. That way you get to enjoy a family holiday and they get a child free wedding.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2019 16:23

The kids didn’t ruin the wedding twooutofthreeaintbad,the parents who didn’t monitor and control their behaviour were in the wrong
If my kids were crying,rolling on a dance floor being boisterous we’d remove them
I’ve been to weddings with kids,parents sit near door and exit quickly when kids are restless

Rafflesway · 24/02/2019 16:23

Bumblebeezy makes an excellent point!

Croatia isn't like much of Spain for instance and some areas can be tricky to reach not to mention expensive if the wedding location isn't in a main resort and/or with an international airport close by so definitely check this out before promising to fly out for a couple of nights.

I certainly agree that a 2 year old is too young to be left for 5 days, even with doting gps. 2 is such a funny age where most toddlers tend to be very clingy. What if gps run into issues with your dd? Could be a nightmare trying to get back! I honestly don't think it is worth it and would politely decline. As someone suggested, ask to watch the video - if there is one - or there may be a small chance they have a webcam for the ceremony.

TildaTurnip · 24/02/2019 16:23

We had no children except nieces and nephews at our wedding and then I wouldn’t have thought it’d be that difficult to leave a 2 year old in your scenario. Then I had my own children and I think totally differently. I didn’t go to my sister’s wedding abroad for similar reasons. Some of my friends would be ok leaving theirs but I still wouldn’t now so I think YANBU for not going because of childcare.

However, if they’ve chosen no children at their wedding then I think that’s ok and they will have to accept you won’t go. You’d be unreasonable to try and change your brother’s wedding plans if you’ve already asked.

Gth1234 · 24/02/2019 16:23

Just don't go. I don't understand this prefernce for foreign weddings. I am surprised anyone, least of all a brother would expect you to be able to deal with your 2yo child not attending.

Fabaunt · 24/02/2019 16:24

They can indeed choose what they want for their wedding, and if that is massively inconvenient, expensive and difficult for their loved ones they can’t be annoyed if their loved ones don’t go. Simple as that.
I agree but at no point has the OP suggested that her brother is annoyed at her for not going, because this hasn’t even been suggested yet as she is too busy trying to twist his arm into inviting the child he doesn’t want there

PersianStar · 24/02/2019 16:24

If I really wanted to go/ could afford it, then I’d also take her for the full 5 days, have the family holiday and get dp to look after her on the day.
I get that children can distract from the day and that’s their prerogative to not have young children there. But Unless it’s an adult only hotel, your LO will just be one of many others running around them on the other days of the holiday.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 16:24

I would fly in the night before and leave the following day after the wedding drinks and leave dd with dh. If I was struggling to afford that, I wouldn’t go.

thefirst48 · 24/02/2019 16:25

I don't understand why people would want children at a night do. Maybe during the day but on the night I want to enjoy a drink and not be worrying what my children are up too.

BlackCatSleeping · 24/02/2019 16:25

OP isn’t being at all unreasonable so wind your neck in.

I think she is being a bit unreasonable though. It's not uncommon these days for people to have childfree weddings, so if that's what the couple wants, then the OP shouldn't expect that her child be invited.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2019 16:26

I always think if you decide to have a destination wedding, it should either just be the two of you, or you pay for any guests you want to attend, it is just rude expecting people (especially close family) to pay a fortune to attend your wedding, especially if you then say they have to stay extra days!

I had a child free wedding, but fully understood that some people might not be able to attend, likewise understood friends that had moved abroad, couldn't attend either.

However, if you want family to attend a destination wedding and they have young children then much as you might like a child free wedding, you have to accept that, that probably isn't the best idea.

OP if you are happy to go to Croatia and can spare the time and can afford t, then I might do as others have suggested go as a family, but you only attend the ceremony, and then the rest of the time you spend with DH and DD having a nice holiday. Maybe meeting up with parents at some point.

SpanielEars070 · 24/02/2019 16:27

I wouldn't go on principle. To leave out a siblings child when it is a destination wedding and expect them to leave them behind for a week is really shitty behaviour. I'd assume he doesn't like them to be honest and find it hard to get over.

RandomMess · 24/02/2019 16:28

I really couldn't justify the cost of a destination wedding for 3 days. If I actually went (I wouldn't) it would be a weeks holiday with DH missing the wedding part to look after DD.

I don't think I would go as o think the other adults will resent DD being there the rest of the week. They are envisioning a week long adult only relaxing break...

coconutpie · 24/02/2019 16:28

It would be a no from me, their choice to have a destination child free wedding (which IMO is pretty selfish when they have siblings with DC) but it's your choice whether to go or not. So I would not go at all.

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 16:29

He’s expecting her to go for five days. Someone who was being considerate would say “I realise that not being able to bring your DD is going to be difficult - we’ve got events planned for these five days, but please come to as much as you can, totally understand if you can’t”.

Their assumption is that it will be no issue to go abroad without their two year old, and that five days is a reasonable request for their “special day” (special week, perhaps). It’s horribly self involved without even giving a thought to the inconvenience and expense they’re already lumbering their guests with.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 24/02/2019 16:29

If it was me I would take my daughter with us and then attend the wedding ceremony on my own and leave my DD with my DH. That way everyone is happy.

Fabaunt · 24/02/2019 16:30

@Lipstick The kids didn’t ruin the wedding twooutofthreeaintbad,the parents who didn’t monitor and control their behaviour were in the wrong
If my kids were crying,rolling on a dance floor being boisterous we’d remove them
I’ve been to weddings with kids,parents sit near door and exit quickly when kids are restless

Like I said upthread I am getting married shortly so this is actually something I’ve thought about a lot. We don’t want children at our wedding for a number of reasons. We are having a Catholic ceremony which tends to drag out and I don’t want kids acting up or making noise during my ceremony or on my dvd of my wedding. Getting to the venue, I don’t want to pay for a child’s party. We have a limited number of invitations and I would prefer to invite people we actually want at our wedding. I am not comfortable with children running around surrounded by adults who are drinking. I don’t want to run the risk of my very expensive dress being marked with dirty hands or a chocolate accident. I don’t want half my wedding party to bugger off after the meal. I don’t want tired kids throwing tantrums. I don’t want kids hyped up on sugar running around.

Wanting a child free wedding doesn’t make someone a bad person. Your child’s happiness isn’t the happy couples responsibility.

2rachtin · 24/02/2019 16:31

Those who have the attitude that weddings are simply all for and about the bride and groom won't mind at all when guests decline for whatever reason.

I don't mind child free weddings as the numbers and cost can quickly escalate but I won't go abroad without my children so wouldn't go. I wouldn't leave them for more than two nights at such a young age without one parent or the other. Not inviting nieces and nephews seems so weird and I've never known anyone in my life that's excluded children this far, everyone's included nieces/nephews and babes in arms.

I'd definitely decline.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 16:31

Would you even choose to go to Croatia if it were not for the wedding? Five days seem a HUGE ask of the wedding guests. The cost of the flights, accommodation and expenses means than it is likely to replace whatever holiday you were planning. Very presumptuous to imagine anyone will feel comfortable with that outlay just for their wedding!! 😮

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