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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
NothingOnTellyAgain · 24/02/2019 16:06

what you could do is

book a family holiday croatia near to wedding but not same hotel

all go out

you can go for the day of the wedding celebrate with bro OH looks after toddler for day

then go back to your nice hol with family

???

Antonin · 24/02/2019 16:07

Are the nephews much older than DD?
For the sake of 5 days “fun”” you could potentially have 5 weeks/months of a very upset little girl with possibly long term abandonment issues. You would be too worried to really relax.
Is a shame but really you have no choice but to decline the invitation.
Fast forward to when. the happy couple’s child is 2 and I bet their feelings will be altogether different

ConfCall · 24/02/2019 16:07

I wouldn't try to talk him round OP. He and his fiancée have made their decision about whether to include all the children in the family. I know it's disappointing but you need to accept it and decide with your DH what you're going to do accordingly.

Karigan195 · 24/02/2019 16:07

People are always within their rights to refuse to have children at their wedding however they also have to u derstand that some won’t be able to go asa result.

QueenOfIce · 24/02/2019 16:09

Lipstick kids do detract from the bride and groom which is exactly who the day should be about not kids screaming and running wild. I'd go for the wedding itself and then return home. It's not a huge deal, no idea why some people get so upset that a bride and groom don't want other peoples kids there! It's their wedding, the day is for them and about them.

Aragog · 24/02/2019 16:09

I just wouldn't go.

If people choose to get married abroad then they can't expect everyone to fork out to attend.
If people choose to have no children then they have to accept some people may not be able to attend.

It's fine for people to have a wedding in the way they want so long as they happily accept some people, including those close to you, may not be there. No guilt trips.

feelingsinister · 24/02/2019 16:09

@LipstickHandbagCoffee Kids make a wedding in your opinion, but not others. I've been to weddings full of children and weddings with none and have enjoyed both. It is nice to be able to have a laugh with my friends and enjoy the party without half of them disappearing at 9pm because their kids are tired and grumpy so I can see why some people have kid-free weddings.

boomboom1234 · 24/02/2019 16:09

I would be upset too and to be honest I wouldn't go for more than one or two nights at most. In fact I would probably not go at all. It's crazy that he would expect you to leave your two year old for five nights!!!! I don't know about you but there's no way my MIL would be able to cope for five days and nights with a two year old and it's way too much to ask!!

BlackCatSleeping · 24/02/2019 16:09

I think you need to tread carefully. I'd just explain that while you understand the other side are ok with the arrangements that you personally feel it's too long to leave your daughter, so either you can come for a shorter time or you'll just pass and look forward to seeing the photos and leave it up to them to decide. You can't force them to accept your daughter's attendance but hopefully they will rethink and make the offer.

MimiSunshine · 24/02/2019 16:10

I wouldn’t leave my 2yr old for more than 2 nights at a push.

If b&g are immovable then For me the potions would be:
Don’t go
Fly in, fly out, no more than 2 nights
The three of you go and makes holiday if it but DH has DD for the day of the wedding and not bother with the other stuff

dB would have to like or lump those options

twooutofthreeaintbad · 24/02/2019 16:11

Your DD at 2 wouldn't do much harm but children of that age (we have two of that age) really could spoil someone's special day. We recently went to one where only the two nieces and nephews on the grooms side was invited and they ruined the whole church service by misbehaving then just running riot the rest of the day getting under waiters feet, rolling all over the dance floor etc so no I don't think they are being unreasonable by not inviting any children at all but if you feel you can't leave your child for 5 days then that's your call and right not to go

Fabaunt · 24/02/2019 16:11

The rest of my family are also very upset about it as we were all assuming she was going and looking forward to a nice family holiday.

FGS.

The wedding isn’t about you, or your child and you are being entirely unreasonable to expect the couple to change what they want from their special day to what suits you. You were told no kids, you were told other kids weren’t being invited.
Stop it. Either go, or don’t. That’s okay but you don’t get to dictate anyone else’s wedding day. You’ve had your own.

TheClaifeCrier · 24/02/2019 16:12

He's being unreasonable to expect you to leave such a young child alone for that amount of time.

If you do have to go then i think you should fly out the day before and fly back the day after, so two nights. Any more than that is unfair on your child and if he complains then he's being a dick.

Maybe one day he'll have kids and realise how ridiculous his request is!

KitTheCat · 24/02/2019 16:14

I wouldn't go.

Sockwomble · 24/02/2019 16:14

I'd read it as he doesn't care about you being there or not.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/02/2019 16:15

If you and your parents are alrerady combining the wedding with a holiday then do what has been suggested

Book into a different hotel, take DD. On the day you go to the wedding, leave DH to lgo out with DD, and then have a lovely family holiday afterwards!

If your DB objects to that then simply tell him you love him and hope he has a lovely time but you can't attend his wedding!

AntiHop · 24/02/2019 16:15

I wouldn't have left my 2 year old overnight without both parents even for 1 night. Even now aged 4 I wouldn't unless it was an emergency.

Could you all go, stay elsewhere at your own accommodation and you can go to the actual wedding without your dh and dd?

Murphypoint · 24/02/2019 16:16

I wouldn’t go either I’m afraid but definitely have a chat with him and explain. Just say you can’t leave a toddler for that length of time. Assuming all of your reliable babysitters would be at the family wedding also.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/02/2019 16:16

Sorry, mant to add, I'd go just the day before and spend more days there after he and his guests have gone home!

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2019 16:17

Chill out Fabaunt Hmm

OP isn’t being at all unreasonable so wind your neck in.

JingsMahBucket · 24/02/2019 16:17

@Alicia870 if your PIL are willing to watch her, even for 3 days, then what’s the problem? Is that you feel offended by your your daughter not being invited or is it the childcare issue? Try to separate the issues. I think YWBU to decline attending your brother’s wedding if you had childcare sorted. Your brother and your future SIL want people there to celebrate with them with no strings attached and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request at all. And I don’t mean “they want everyone’s attention”. I mean that they may want their guests to not have to self-regulate as much as they normally do when small children are in tow. That’s pretty fair IMO.

Comefromaway · 24/02/2019 16:18

If it was my brother not inviting my children I would be seriously re-considering how important our relationship is.

Highfever · 24/02/2019 16:19

I'd reply just that. Thanks for the invite but we will be declining it. Even if I wanted to/could leave my child using annual leave and holiday budget for the year to exclude my child is just not going to happen.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 24/02/2019 16:19

There;s the money as well

and fact that many would be uncomfortable leaving small child for even short amounts of time

"Your brother and your future SIL want people there to celebrate with them with no strings attached and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request at all"

there are strings attached, ,guests with kids need to agree £££ that is not for all family and also sort childcare which can be tricky or impossible

so some will not be able to go

like op

NothingOnTellyAgain · 24/02/2019 16:20

the annual leave point is non trivial as well