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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 24/02/2019 16:31

I wouldn't attend.

He doesn't even want you there since he didn't invite your young child. I think 'no children' weddings abroad are just not feasible for families with little ones.

If you do decide not to go, don't waste your time worrying about your decision or feeling guilty. He made your decision for you by not including your child.

TildaTurnip · 24/02/2019 16:32

I always think if you decide to have a destination wedding, it should either just be the two of you, or you pay for any guests you want to attend, it is just rude expecting people (especially close family) to pay a fortune to attend your wedding, especially if you then say they have to stay extra days!

Agree with this. Have your day however you want but be considerate and understanding.

UtterlyDesperate · 24/02/2019 16:33

Surely the "wedding" only refers to the day itself? I can appreciate that they want a child-free wedding day, but surely that just means guests book the hotel baby-sitters for the day, especially if it offers destination weddings?

Surely multi-day destination weddings aren't a Croatian "thing"? India I appreciate has different cultural traditions, but Croatia is surely broadly Christian, and without the need for umpteen separate religious elements - or do people really expect that guests will use their AL entitlement to do what the bride and groom say for days at a time?

(So unlike the home life of our own dear Queen... Grin)

BartonHollow · 24/02/2019 16:34

I wouldn't go and I'd write him a nice letter which sounded positive but also reflected how you feel.

Then he and his wife get to decide whether a child free wedding or the presence of his sister is more important

Expecting you to spend money on going abroad, take annual leave, AND basically expecting you to either demand free childcare from your in-laws for a week or pay for it is a pisstake

Sockwomble · 24/02/2019 16:34

Weddings are only just about the bride and groom if it is only the bride and groom at the wedding. Once you start having guests you treat them with consideration.

anniehm · 24/02/2019 16:36

Just tell him straight up - you cannot attend without your daughter. He can then choose to either not have you at his wedding or make an exception for his niece. Several friends have married abroad and all invited our children (that they didn't know) because it was abroad!)

Quintella · 24/02/2019 16:38

Seems weird to me. I'm trying to apply it to my family and can't imagine any of my siblings forbidding nieces and nephews from attending. Especially when they're already expecting guests to put themselves out so much in terms of the expense and inconvenience of a destination wedding.

I definitely wouldn't leave a 2 year old for five nights in these circumstances so if I were you I'd have a chat with you brother. Obv i wouldn't have this chat if I were invited by a friend, but in my world you can speak openly to siblings.

southnownorth · 24/02/2019 16:38

I wouldn't want to have left mine at that age either.

Of course your brother is entitled to a child free wedding, so I would either decline the invite or let your DH miss the wedding to look after DD.

PlasticPatty · 24/02/2019 16:38

Don't go. Don't give it a second thought. He's chosen his path.

WarpedGalaxy · 24/02/2019 16:39

JingsMahBucket it’s not just about whether the PIL can/will take care of the child, 3 days or 5 it’s still a long time for parents and a 2 year old to be separated. Then there’s the issue that OP has to use annual leave and spend money she won’t then have available for a family vacation this year ie one with her child. This will be their family holiday in effect but without their own child there.

You might know lots of people with the wherewithal and the will to spare no expense or time indulging couples in their extravagant visions and still have plenty of money and time left over to have their own vacations later but most don’t. Here on Planet Earth, time off work is limited as are family budgets.

puppymouse · 24/02/2019 16:39

I wouldn't be going. DD is 5.

westendshits · 24/02/2019 16:40

I wouldn't be going. What a shame.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 24/02/2019 16:40

Bloody Hell, a lot of drama queens on this thread. Possible abandonment issues? Re-evaluating your relationship/ going non-contact with the brother? Really??

Quintella · 24/02/2019 16:40

I have no problem with childfree weddings in general it's just that it seems ridiculously stringent in these particular circumstances.

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 16:40

fabaunt great, just bear in mind that any of your friends with kids may just not come at all and then you won’t have half the guests leaving early, they just won’t be there.

I wouldn’t be able to go to a wedding without my twins until they’re older at least (but then to be honest at this age I wouldn’t be comfortable taking them to a wedding either at this stage).

Shmithecat2 · 24/02/2019 16:42

@TrendyNorthLondonTeen right?!?! It's ridiculous. I haven't received an invite to a child free wedding since I had ds. I'm quite disappointed.

mrsk28 · 24/02/2019 16:43

I don't think it's unreasonable if you choose not to go but it's unreasonable to talk the couple into reconsidering inviting your child. Ultimately if they want no children then I wouldn't want to feel like my child was allowed to attend because I talked them into it.

On the other hand I totally understand not wanting children in attendance at a wedding. We had only one child at ours (DH's niece) because nobody else had children at the time but I would have opted for no children if I thought it was an option.

The child was bored and therefore a nuisance, spent the whole time swinging out of the other guests and running around during dinner to the point people were asking whose child she was (her mother just left her to it).

I would probably not attend or shorten the trip to 2 days or so to not be away from DD for that long.

yearinyearout · 24/02/2019 16:44

YANBU. It's totally your decision and your DB doesn't get to tell you he wants you there three days before the wedding either! If you really don't want to miss the wedding, and having your DD there is a definite no from them, is it doable for you and your in laws to make a holiday out of it? As in you book a week away in a villa with them in the vicinity of the wedding and they babysit whilst you're attending the wedding? I realise there are lots of factors that make this impossible but it's just a thought.

itbemay1 · 24/02/2019 16:46

YANBU but neither is your brother. I would go but only for max 2 nights and explain to your brother why.

MaryBoBary · 24/02/2019 16:46

My mum did this to us when my son (her only grandchild) was 1 - booked their hotel and our flights to their wedding in an adult only hotel. We politely declined and then my mum uninvited my sister as well. Very odd. I definitely see it as her loss and not ours. Don’t feel guilty saying no if you don’t want to leave your daughter. No one else can dictate when or if you should leave your child with someone else. I also thought it was extremely presumptuous of my mum to assume my in laws would have my son for a week.

BartonHollow · 24/02/2019 16:47

I wonder how many people who had child free weddings go on to feel embarrassed and frustrated when they themselves have children, get invited to a child free wedding abroad and realise what a massively impossible ask it is. 🤔

In fact they are probably the sort to be equally as annoying about their status as a parent as they were about their child free stance.

Quintella · 24/02/2019 16:47

Telling people you want them there three days prior to the wedding and present for events post wedding is a bit groomzilla. Wedding bores are a total snooze.

CoachBombay · 24/02/2019 16:48

I must be the odd one out here, I'd happily palm my 2 year old son off for 5 days and disappear to Croatia to shag DH senseless, party and have a break away from DS....😂

DS is now 5 but he really nearly pushed me over the edge with his terrible twos!!

I'm a terrible person I know 😂

ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2019 16:50

But Coach would anyone have wanted to look after your 'spirited' 2 year old for 5 days Grin

JingsMahBucket · 24/02/2019 16:50

@cabingirl
The simplest solution is to all go and have your family holiday and then for the ceremony and reception - either hire a local babysitting service at the hotel for your child or your DH looks after her. The wedding/reception itself will then be child-free as they wish but you'll still be able to have a lovely family holiday together. They can't ban children from Croatia!

Finally someone with a lick of common sense to their name! Most of the posters advocating not attending sound overly dramatic and neurotic. Seriously, you never would leave your child for a couple of days with grandparents to attend a major family event?? Your child will not be traumatized or forget you, I promise. They’ll likely be just fine and it’s usually the parents who have the separation anxiety, not the actual children themselves. Really. You will not be a shit mother just because you’ve left your kid for a couple days to enjoy yourself. Unclench.