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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:

WarpedGalaxy · 24/02/2019 15:39

Childfree wedding fine, your choice, if your guests can/want to arrange childcare for a few hours or overnight they’ll come. Childfree wedding abroad involving guests leaving children behind for several days only fine if you are prepared to accept certain guests - in this case close family - can’t/won’t make it.

YANBU OP, I’d thank them for the invitation but say unfortunately you’ll be unable to go since you’re not prepared to leave your child for several days.

Anique105 · 24/02/2019 15:39

Yanbu! I wouldnt go for sure. You dont need to justify to anyone that you wont be leaving your small child behind. She isnt just any child, shes immediately family.

LightDrizzle · 24/02/2019 15:39

I’m normally fine with child-free weddings, but combining it with a destination wedding and including close family children is too much.
They have no right to be offended when you don’t go, unless you habitually holiday without your daughter and have left her with PILS for that long on other occasions.
People get very stressed out about weddings, so be careful how you word things. Try not to infer any blame on them, say you are really sorry to miss it but you can’t leave DD for that long so you will just have to look forward to all the photos.
Make sure what you say couldn’t be construed as you trying to emotionally blackmail them into making an exception for your daughter.

They really have been thoughtless in this instance. Honestly your daughter won’t care and weddings are boring for children, but it’s the implications for you that make it thoughtless.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 24/02/2019 15:39

How old are the nephews? It's hardly comparable if they are 5 or older.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/02/2019 15:41

I’d tell him if he doesn’t want his niece there his sister won’t be going. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not an afternoon at a church, it’s several days away overseas and could be a nice family holiday, but he is choosing to exclude her so he can sod off.

RomanyQueen1 · 24/02/2019 15:41

I wouldn't go either tbh. I know it's their day and their choice, but they'll have to understand that not everybody can manage those arrangements.

feelingsinister · 24/02/2019 15:42

If you want to go, could you book for a week and make it a holiday? Just go to the wedding, don't do all the other crap and enjoy a holiday?

CustardySergeant · 24/02/2019 15:42

I just wouldn't go.

Weepingwillows12 · 24/02/2019 15:45

I think it's a thoughtless thing to do by your brother and I would be hurt. Honestly though, he's probably just thinking nice beach, mates etc and not of the consequences. I would personally still try and attend as I love my brother. I would make the trip the shortest I could or only me go without dh or maybe see if your dhs parents fancy a holiday there too so they can babysit. Or all go but only you attend the day and dh and two year old stay at hotel. These wedding choices can cause so many issues....

PerpendicularVincent · 24/02/2019 15:45

YANBU, and I wouldn't give a shit about whether the nephew's parents are fine about it or not. I wouldn't leave DS for 5 days, he would miss us terribly (and us him), and I think 5 days childcare is a big ask of anyone.

We don't get that much holiday, and that we do get we want to spend with our child.

HoraceCope · 24/02/2019 15:45

you dont have to go for as long as he wants though, just go for as long as you feel comfortable leaving her.
is she good with her grandparents? it might be a lovely holiday for her

Shoxfordian · 24/02/2019 15:45

Its their choice and your kid would be fine with grandparents, I'd go if I were you

RandomMess · 24/02/2019 15:45

I wouldn't go and leave such a young child behind, if they were older, fully verbal and used to spending weekends with grandparents it would be different.

PerpendicularVincent · 24/02/2019 15:46

Actually, Weeping has a good idea. You could all go and your DH look after DD whilst you're at the ceremony? Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

thefirst48 · 24/02/2019 15:47

If your in-laws are ok with looking after your little one I would go. It's only 5 days and your daughter will love being spoilt by her grandparents for a few days.

Bracknellite · 24/02/2019 15:48

I don’t think it’s a question of BU

Kids not welcome (the couples prerogative) but if my DD was not welcome a Childfree wedding would also be a Bracknellite free wedding.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 24/02/2019 15:48

I wouldn't go. I think destination weddings are wank to begin with people who put conditions on them into the bargain - demands to stay in the same place and for how long and enforced fun and other childish attention-seeking bollocks like that - are especially selfish. I wouldn't hesitate to tell him now, either. He might strop but oh, well, that just make him look like even more of a spoilt brat.

Absolutelylocaltoyou · 24/02/2019 15:49

I wouldn't go. Decline politely and tell them why.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 24/02/2019 15:50

YANBU. Five days is a long time to leave a two year old, but even if you were happy to do it Croatia is a very long way away. If your DD is unhappy or your in laws are struggling you can't just drive back.

Hiphopopotamous · 24/02/2019 15:50

I don't mind a childfree wedding but an expensive destination wedding using annual leave and leaving my kids at home for almost a week is just crazy. I'd turn it down.

SecretMillionaire · 24/02/2019 15:51

I would not leave my children for 5 days and they are all older than your child. If you feel comfortable with going for two days then that may be a compromise.

BaronessBomburst · 24/02/2019 15:51

We were invited to a wedding overseas, would take two days to get there (driving), and I was told I wasn't allowed to take my as yet unborn four month old. We declined.
So DH was asked if he'd come without me.
He declined.
Seems like everyone else did too as an invite then turned up for DS, we went, and there were plenty of children at the wedding.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 24/02/2019 15:51

Wizzair flies to Coration so you could find an affordable return ticket but honestly I think they’re tking the piss and I wouldn’t go.

Hellohappy · 24/02/2019 15:52

I wouldn’t go. How many people could/would leave their child for five days?

Surfingtheweb · 24/02/2019 15:52

No kids never usually applies to your nieces & nephews 🙈 have you asked if you can take her along?

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