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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/02/2019 15:53

You would not BU to decline, attend without DH and / or only go for a short trip.

lurker101 · 24/02/2019 15:53

I would see if your inlaws fancy coming and be your childcare during the actual wedding

Biscuitsneeded · 24/02/2019 15:53

I agree that 2 is too young to be left for 5 days, even if with grandparents. I think either none of you go, or you go by yourself but just fly in the day before and back out the following day, leaving DD with your DH. I think your brother possibly thinks that a. your DD won't remember it and it's not about kids so no need for her to be there and b. you might like a child-free short break, but having never had kids he doesn't understand that 5 days is too long to leave a toddler and that most people would not be able to find childcare anyway. I wonder if he has invited friends with kids who may have the same issue. I think childfree weddings are acceptable (although show a lack of understanding) but not if the couple expect you to change countries for several days! What do the rest of your family think?

Loopytiles · 24/02/2019 15:54

In this situation I’d attend alone for 2 or 3 nights.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2019 15:55

Wizzair flies to Croatia so you could find an affordable return ticket

Define 'affordable'.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 24/02/2019 15:55

It will cost loads for all of you to go and then your DH won’t be able attend the meal or whatever.
I’d just leave DD for a couple of days - stay a night or two depending on flight costs. I get why you wouldn’t want to leave her a week but a few days will be fine.

Fabaunt · 24/02/2019 15:55

surfingtheweb
I’m getting married shortly and no kids definitely applies to nieces and nephews.
I have actually made my own thread on this as my sister in law initially told me I could fuck off, that her children were coming to my wedding. I’ve recently had to stand up for myself and say no, I don’t want any child at my wedding.

The brother has made it clear kids aren’t welcome, including the brides nephews. If they wanted the child there they’d ask

Arowana · 24/02/2019 15:55

I'd go without DH in this situation. I wouldn't stay for the full 5 days either.

HollowTalk · 24/02/2019 15:55

No way. I wouldn't be interested in going and wouldn't leave my child for that long.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 24/02/2019 15:57

It's totally reasonable for them to arrange their wedding as a destination one with no kids - just as it is entirely reasonable for you to say sorry I can't leave my 2yo DD with her grandparents for 5 days.

I guess a compromise would be to go for a couple of days if you think DD and your ILs would cope?

SinkGirl · 24/02/2019 15:57

I see this come up in wedding groups all the time - people going on and on about how it’s their right to have a childfree wedding.

Yep it is, but you can’t then complain if parents can’t come. No chance would I go.

GreenTulips · 24/02/2019 15:57

I would turn down the invite

Watch the video after

I dislike these destination weddings where everyone is expected to pay - have it at home or go abroad just the two of you and stop deciding how others spend their time and money AND in this case who with

MrsJBaptiste · 24/02/2019 15:58

My brother had a child-free wedding and that included my two - his nephews / godsons. Must admit I was surprised but that's what they had decided...

PinaColada1 · 24/02/2019 15:59

What a shame. As your brother I think he should have talked to you first. I’d be tempted not to go.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/02/2019 16:01

I wouldn't be prepared to leave my two year old for more than one night so I wouldn't be going. Destination weddings are a pain in the arse at the best of times and they have to accept that the distance combined with their 'no children' rule means it just won't work for some people.

Lovemusic33 · 24/02/2019 16:01

Can you not fly over with dh and dd but attend the actual wedding alone whilst dh looks after dd? That way you don’t have to be too far away from her and you can still attend the wedding, maybe your dd can join in with a few of the other bits the day before and after?

MRex · 24/02/2019 16:02

I wouldn't go, that's very rude and thoughtless.

Original poster
Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 16:02

The rest of my family are also very upset about it as we were all assuming she was going and looking forward to a nice family holiday. After hearing other people's thoughts here I think I might have a chat with him as I really think it's a case of a child free couple not fully understanding what they are asking of people.
As I said if it were at home I wouldn't have a problem with it, but to use my annual leave and holiday budget for the year to exclude my child is just not going to happen. If he doesn't come round I'll most likely just go for 3 nights which even still is a lot to ask. Maybe a conversation with him about the logistics of it will make them see it's not really fair

OP posts:
DotForShort · 24/02/2019 16:03

I think you are perfectly reasonable to not want to leave your child at home for that long. I wouldn't do it in those circumstances. OTOH, your brother isn't being unreasonable either. If he and his fiancee want a child-free wedding, that is up to them.

Personally, I wouldn't mind missing the wedding. But I have never had much interest in weddings, even when family members are getting married. (DH and I had only a civil ceremony, no guests at all.) Obviously, this is my own personal preference, and I completely understand that many people feel differently. If it is important to you to attend your brother's wedding, could you compromise? As PPs have suggested, you could attend while your DH took care of DD.

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/02/2019 16:03

I wouldn't go.
And I wouldn't apologise for not going.

Bumblebeezy · 24/02/2019 16:04

If it's a wedding on one of the islands be aware that it's a long journey to make for a couple of days. I have been to a wedding in Hvar for example and on top of the flight times you have an hours coach ride from the airport and another hour on the ferry.

SileneOliveira · 24/02/2019 16:05

I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm.

But it's not about how you feel and what you can see or can't see. Because it's not your wedding. So you either go, or you don't go.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2019 16:05

i don’t understand this child free wedding carry on.imo kids make a wedding
It’s responsiblity of parent to look after their kids,monitor behaviour etc so they’re not disturbing events.but I genuinely don’t understand the inflated sense of self, that means all eyes and attention must be on the b&g wedding.children deemed to be annoyances who detract from the precious special day

zippey · 24/02/2019 16:06

You’ll fork out a lot for this wedding abroad and all the while you’ll be thinking of your child.

LellyMcKelly · 24/02/2019 16:06

Good grief, that’s at least 4 days leave they’re expecting you to take and not spend it with your DD. That, plus flights plus accommodation etc. etc. is a really big ask.

They are perfectly entitled to have a destination wedding. They are perfectly entitled to have no kids at their wedding. You are perfectly entitled to turn down the invitation if it doesn’t work for you.