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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

575 replies

Alicia870 · 24/02/2019 15:26

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/02/2019 07:53

Well done OP-I think that’s very sensible and hope your brother sees it that way

ahtellthee · 26/02/2019 07:55

I think you reached the most practical solution OP. Good luck!

LunafortJest · 26/02/2019 07:58

"But at the same time I am really hrt that he's excluding a close family member. She is his only niece and in my opinion it's really disrespectful to say she is not invited."

But she is basically an infant. What would she get out of it? She won't even remember it. I think you are worrying about the wrong thing. That it is a destination wedding that you have to pay for and take out of your annual leave, should be the issue to you. Why do some people get so upset that their infant or toddler can't go to a wedding? Honestly, what benefit is it to her? You'll have a very young child who will probably scream during the vows (as numerous stories on here attest), needs nappy changing etc, I think you are also being a bit selfish here. A child that young has no business being at a wedding, full stop. I think you are looking at it through the lens of an adult. You seem to forget she will be a toddler who has no blooming clue what is happening, she will have to sit still for hours, it's no fun for her, is it? I think it is selfish of parents to look at it through their own eyes, not through the eyes of toddler.

You should be upset at the destination cost and it is 5 days they expect you to pay for. You are upset at the wrong thing.

Charley50 · 26/02/2019 08:15

@LunafortJest - it's disrespectful as it has put OP in the position now where she feels she has to come alone without DH as well as DC.

Tbh if I was her I would have made a family holiday of it, or not bothered going at all; fuck spending all that time, effort and money for one day in Croatia, for a sibling that selfish.

My friends had a Mediterranean destination wedding. It was brilliant. Kids and partners invited. They put on a barbecue and a couple of activities if you fancied it etc. We went for a week and had a holiday as well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 08:34

tigerbear
She couldn’t cope with attention not being on her ffs. So glad I wasn’t a bridezilla!

Lunafort
She would get being with her extended family. Perhaps play around a swimming pool, get to play with other kids at the hotel. If we are going to go down that slippery slip, why do anything with toddlers and babies as they don’t remember it?!

IvanaPee · 26/02/2019 08:39

I think what it comes down to is that the brother and his wife clearly don’t want it to be a family holiday centered on the children.

That’s fair enough. But they don’t own the country and they can’t expect anyone to use their holiday fund and annual leave and of have her child there!

bellabasset · 26/02/2019 08:48

I'm sorry your db doesn't understand that you can't leave such a young child for 5 nights. If he's chosen to go abroad then he should have taken this into consideration, not leave you without your dh either.

Pinkcat231 · 26/02/2019 09:12

Good luck OP, I hope your brother and SIL appreciate you making the effort to go. It’s so sad the number of people going NC over weddings, it’s one (or in your case 5!!!) day/s.

sleepylittlebunnies · 26/02/2019 10:18

I think a 2 year old can enjoy a wedding, particularly a destination one, however I wouldn’t want my DC at a wedding where she isn’t welcome. Whether they remember the wedding or not doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy the experience. You don’t exclude people just because they won’t remember. My Nan had dementia she’d still be invited out to special occasions because she enjoyed them in the moment and gave the rest of us happy memories.

I’d wonder how much they want you there because I think it’s a big ask to expect you to spend a lot of money and a weeks annual leave to attend a wedding. It’s unreasonable to expect you to do that and leave your 2 year old child behind. Personally I would either book into another hotel close by for a week for a holiday with DH and DC and go to the wedding alone or not attend at all. Just wish them well and enquire if they are having a do back home after the wedding

Shockers · 26/02/2019 11:58

I know you’ve come to a decision, but I’d be tempted to book a week out there for you, DH and DD, then you just pop to the wedding alone- swerving the rest of the wedding related activities.

Shockers · 26/02/2019 11:58

Ah- that’s been suggested already!

Vampyress · 26/02/2019 12:12

@MadMadaMim Keeping my children away from my mother who was physically and psychologically abusive to myself and brother growing up (my brother died several years ago due to suicide), and my husband having a mother with osteoporosis is not a bloody parenting fail. Not all of us are fortunate to have family who are safe or physically able to give us a weeks child free holiday. Some people really are the most revoltingly stupid creatures to be spewed onto this planet.

Leapfrog44 · 26/02/2019 12:27

I'd just go but for a shorter period - like 2 days. That a reasonable compromise

MadMadaMim · 26/02/2019 14:54

I wrote a lovely reply to all the comments aimed my way. I reviewed it, tidied it up, read it one last time and then deleted it. Sometimes, getting it out is more important that actually hitting 'post message'. I can assure you that everything was resolved and we all lived happily ever after.

I've been a MNter forever. It was a saviour - shared stories, parenting tips, great competitions, other people who knew and understood what we were all living. I don't visit often nowadays but do like to check in now and again and, every so often, I'll join in a conversation. And more and more often, I'm sadly disappointed at how many angry, judgemental, jump to conclusions, storymaking nastiness there is on here. I don't take things personally on this type of forum - it's social media. We don't know one another, why would we take it personally - it's not. It's usually based on a picture created by knee jerk reaction people. And I'm not personal in my comments - for me, there are certain things that are parental wins, parental fails and parental could do betters.. We all have them, whether you care to admit it or not. If we didn't, we'd all be crap parents as we'd have no 'markers' with which to inform ourselves how we're doing and how we can improve and what we need to change. If my parental wins/fails and everything in between, don't match yours, that's absolutely OK - and vice versa. For me, it will still be true, the same way it will for you.

Lots of us get far too emotive and personal on these things. It's a forum. keep it light, keep it factual, try not to get too personal. Have a read of your children's 'Online Safety/Online Etiquette/How to behave online' materials

yes - I'm being facetious, however we could all benefit from reviewing our online interactions. I didn't realise the words 'parental fail' would 'hit' so many 'nerves' as someone else said. I wasn't dissing anyone personally, I was stating that for me, not being able to leave a 2 year old for a few nights away is a parental fail - for me. If you wish to internalise that, try to see that it is your choice to do so and not mine and, therefore, it's unnecessary to vent quite so personally. It can be hurtful and it's immature. I didn't say anything personal about anyone - I only voiced how 'I' interpret things. (apart from then responding to some of the churlish comments directed my way)

Peace out and love to you all

In a few years time, the OP will look back and remember what a lovely wedding her brother had and how happy she is that she was part of it and how much unnecessary fuss and worry was expended on two adult people choosing to celebrate their love for one another how they want to - ie a child free wedding.

Croatia is amazing BTW - enjoy. You'll love it

Quintella · 26/02/2019 15:06

'I was stating that for me, not being able to leave a 2 year old for a few nights away is a parental fail - for me. If you wish to internalise that, try to see that it is your choice to do so and not mine'

'And all the - I wouldn't leave my child for 5 days. My child wouldn't cope without me for 5 days. If this is true, you're failing as parents.'

Hmm, fancy that.

Peace out.

llangennith · 26/02/2019 15:07

MadMadaMim great post.

Hazlenutpie · 26/02/2019 15:10

It's not just a child free wedding though, is it? That's why the entire thread has become so emotive. If it was just one day and didn't involve leaving children for five days, using up annual leave and spending quite a lot of money, it would all have been so different.

Hazlenutpie · 26/02/2019 15:16

Oh and not everyone can, or wants to, leave a two year old for five days. I can't for the life of me see where that is a parental fail and saying it is, is pretty judgemental @ MadMadaMim.

So hop down from your high horse, and quit the patronising posts.

Weetabixandshreddies · 26/02/2019 15:29

I love @MadMadaMim lecturing all of us on how to post without being judgemental

Grin
CasanovaFrankenstein · 26/02/2019 15:43

Glad you’ve solved it as best you can OP.

Btw re Luna’s comment, my son went to a wedding when he was two, he still remembers bits of it! He’s six now.

I wouldn’t have had any options to leave him at that age, even if I’d wanted to. Parenting fail 🙄

blueskiesovertheforest · 26/02/2019 15:43

@MadMadaMim that's quite some backpedaling you're doing there. You didn't say "for me" at all. You said that that people who can't leave their 2 year olds for 5 days and nights have failed as parents.

Do you think that saying the opposite - that anyone who could/ would leave their 2 year old for 5 days has failed as a parent, is non judgemental and reasonable? Its just as valid as your view.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 15:43

MadMada
You know what? The post you wrote just now. Very good. It doesn’t begin, however, to tally with the post, which so many of us found so objectionable on 25th Feb 18.58.

In your post, you repeatedly shouted and said op should stop making it about her and any further discussion with her brother would be “selfish and inconsiderate”. You also failed to understand that not everyone has childcare on tap to swan off. I certainly don’t.

As for your post not being personal or an attack on anyone else, I’ll just read your sentence back to you:

And all the - I wouldn’t leave my child for 5 days. My child wouldn’t cope without me for 5 days. If that is true, you’re failing as parents.

And this:

Get a grip people

Now perhaps you were having a bad day. We all have them. However, the appropriate response is to own it. Not to give a blanket response to us, claim longevity as a Mumsnetter and pretend your post wasn’t personal. It was.

I’ve banged off the occasional below par post myself and thought oops afterward. But I’m a grown up and I’ve apologised.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/02/2019 16:11

You were quite clear about your idea of a parenting fail MadMadaMim and that you felt the opposite.

Mookatron Mon 25-Feb-19 21:07:25
Have you ever left your 2 Yr old with its grandparents for 5 days @Madmadamim? I'm interested

MadMadaMim Mon 25-Feb-19 21:30:33
mookatron yes (not grandparents - my brother), not that I see what difference that makes.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/02/2019 16:12

Some serious back peddling there @MadMadaMim but you haven’t retracted any of it just tried to pretend you said it differently. Hmm

IHateUncleJamie · 26/02/2019 16:28

@MadMadaMim You’ve forgotten something quite key - firstly, you wrote that ridiculous judgy rant (as opposed to saying it out loud so you have deniability) and secondly, it’s still there for us all to read.

So before you preach at us about how long you’ve been here, that we’ve been triggered/jumped to conclusions/misheard you or any other deflection tactics you care to try, perhaps go back and read what you wrote.

I think what you meant to say was “Sorry, I was having a bad day yesterday and fired off an ill-judged shouty rant. My apologies.”