Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

[Alicia870]

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

Hire a babysitter in Croatia. Costs nothing..

@Alicia870 could you not take her and DH stay at the hotel pool with DD for the wedding events?? I wouldn't get on a plane without my child, if something happened its not exactly a drive down the road to get to her is it?

Children make weddings. We had children at our wedding and one of them interrupted the speeches at the most perfect time making the whole from erupt with laughter. It's one of the highlights of that day actually.

Ours too. It was delightful. I also had a 2 year old bridesmaid who was so well behaved. However, when the vicar found out he did caution against it because he said they can be unpredictable. I explained that I was very happy for ger to be as involved as she wanted - our day was about our friends and family. Our bridesmaid was fantastic. We have 1 photo of her throwing her headress up in the air and we are all laughing - it's such a natural photo and one of my favourites from the day.

If the bride and groom want to be selfish then they can't really complain if the guests also decide to be selfish too can they?

Yes but surely the "children make weddings" brigade can appreciate that this is an opinion, not a fact.

Other people who don't want kids at weddings aren't wrong, they just have a different opinion.

Must have a strange family as 2 year old would love 5 days with GPs. Your DBs choice, you either go or you dont, it's up to you.

I would go, as it's my brother. But probably on my own.

Only on mumsnet would it be declared a wedding is about 'everyone'

The idea that a wedding is only about the B&G is incredibly recent, though

Historically, weddings are about two families being brought together - hence the tradition of the father of the bride escorting the mother of the groom out of the church (and vice versa) and mixed family seating on the top table. And I don't think that there are any places where a wedding is completely private - apart from needing witnesses testifying that the ceremony actually did take place, a wedding is a public declaration of the B&G's intent to marry each other in a legally binding service.

So yes, it's obviously important that the B&G have the wedding that they want. But no, it's not only about them

SileneOliveira

Of course it's opinion.

But then others have to realise that not every parent can, or wants, to leave a 2 year old for 5 days to go abroad.

And the bride and groom should put no pressure on any parents who turn down the invitation.

Hire a babysitter in Croatia. Costs nothing

Are you fucking serious? Hire a stranger in a foreign country, to care for your precious child?

You cannot be serious.

Hire a babysitter in Croatia. Costs nothing..

Yeah, leave your kid with some random stranger.

My friend was going to get married abroad. They sent out invitations and booked a hotel. They had to change their plans as so many people declined the invite due to the cost.

You can't really be telling people to get a grip when you've just said it's failing as a parent if your 1 year old won't cope well without you for 5 days madmadamim. That was fucking hatstand.

I hate the bemoaning about destination weddings especially nowadays when the chances are fewer people live near the bride and groom.
Most weddings require a night stay for at least some guests.

Personally I’d rather do the hour drive to the airport and have a fabulous weekend in a European hotel than a 3 hour journey to some overpriced British venue, that either looks genetically “rustic” or like something from the 90’s.Either way you end up paying a fortune in food or drink over the weekend (probably more with UK prices).
I can see long haul is a pain but I can’t see why a short haul flight is so “selfish”.

@SheWoreBlueVelvet

Bully for you, some of us just can't afford it.

Could you take your child with you plus a baby sitter, or you and your husband take your child but only you attend the wedding while you're husband looks after your daughter.
People who do not have children do not understand how impossible it is to leave your child for so long.

MadMadaMin is aptly named. Mad as a bloody hatter.

Yeah, leave your kid with some random stranger

I imagine that the pp meant a sitter from a hotel or an agency - not some random person off the street

Meh. Weddings are just weddings. Over hyped. Too much expectation, assumption of who's entitled to what etc etc.

In my opinion the bride and groom can do whatever the hell they like. BUT making any demands or emotional blackmail for guests, family to do anything specific - like HAVE to be there, spend money, use annual leave, call in babysitting favours, leave children etc is NOT acceptable.

If its that important to bride and groom they should involve anyone they particularly want there in the planning from the start and be accommodating to the people that are 'essential' . If they book a venue and then ask people to come it's completely reasonable for invitees to decline if its not convenient, affordable or practical.

It's always a shame to have to turn down a wedding invite to a close friend or family member, but even though it is their day (or week!) if they haven't considered your needs and just assumed it'll be OK for you then they have to accept that perhaps you can't be there.

SheWoreBlueVelvet

Surely you can see that a weekend involving a flight away and more than one night (usually, often due to flight availability and timings) will cost more.

Just been away for a weekend to Spain, just flying on Ryan Air, small hand luggage only. That was still just under £100 per person without proper luggage. On top of that we had petrol to and from the airport plus parking (£36) at the airport . As it was an early flight we had to pay for an airport hotel (£31.) We then had a two night hotel stay, as a mid range hotel (£240.) On top of that is general spending - food, drinks, etc. So a simple short haul weekend away cost us around £600 without food and drink, and without the normal wedding expenses of present, outfits, etc.) on top.
It would definitely be cheaper to go to a UK based wedding, even with an overnight stay.
Not everyone can afford to jet off abroad for the weekend, and thats before you try and factor in trying to get flights at the right times/dates, and the expense of using holiday dates - as you can't often get flights for a Friday night to Sunday evening for example.

None of its selfish so long as you accept people may not attempt, without getting sulky or giving anyone any grief.

We got married abroad, long haul, so I am not against destination weddings. However, we went on our own and had a blessing and party for family and friends on return. Whilst people could have one if they'd wanted to we didn't expect anyone too, especially due to the location. Everyone wished us well and we had a big celebration on return, two weeks later.
My sister also got married abroad, long haul. We did choose to go and make a holiday out of it, though dd was at least invited. Infact she was bridesmaid. My parents and brother did too. But that was a choice, and we were all happy to visit the location for a family holiday together.

If you are hiring a babysitter how does that cost nothing ?

Honestly, OP, just decline the wedding. We didn't go to DH's sisters wedding, we had a very good reason. Yes, there were a few tanties at the time, but we stayed cool and rode them out and years later it is all fine. Weddings seem such a big deal at the time, but in the long term the marriage will be a success, or it won't. If they split you will be glad you didn't put yourself through the angst and if they mellow into a long and happy union the big opera over the wedding will just fade into insignificance. Politely decline and ride out any aggro from your family - your DD is far too young and precious to leave.

"Children make wedding"

My eyes just rolled so far back I swear I caught a glimpse of my brain.

There's no way I'd use holiday time and money and leave my baby behind! My 4 year old hasn't even spent 1 night away from me, there is absolutely no way I could leave my 19 month old for that length of time.

I do think the best option is to book a close by hotel for the week with your DH and DD and then go along to as many of his wedding "events" that you feel able to.

Croatia is beautiful. Ask your PIL's to go with you, and to babysit for the wedding. Then have a family holiday.

Would you not just take her to Croatia and then let dh mind her the day of the wedding? Then you will get your family holiday but you are not going against their wishes.