Daughter not invited to my brothers wedding abroad

[Alicia870]

My daughter will be approaching 2 when my brother gets married in Croatia. Ive only just found out they are not having children at the wedding and she is not invited. He also wants us all to go out 3 days before the wedding and to stay the day after for other events and gatherings. So it would mean we will have to leave her with dh's parenrs for about 5 days. She is the only niece he has and I can't help but feel upset by this. It's a long time to leave her and I feel like she is part of the family too and can't see how she would do much harm. I wouldn't mind if it was at home as I understand some people don't want kids at a wedding but isn't it a bit much to expect us to go abroad and just leave her for days?

How practical is it for you to go solo for 2 nights? How far is the airport from the venue? How will you make the the transfer? (Assuming that the pre/post wedding activities mean that it's unlikely that anyone already there will be able to help out). Will you be able to stay at the same location as everyone else or have you got to rack up more costs getting between the two?

It's got all the hallmarks of costing you a small fortune. Are you likely to have a good time or is the future relationship between your DP and DB going to impact on the day? How will fielding questions about having to go on your own impact on attending? It is likely to be people at the wedding as well as friends/colleagues/neighbours etc in the UK.

Personally unless I was completely happy with the situation it would be difficult not to either end up having to be constantly defending db's decision so that he isn't seen as a twunt by other people (although people will reach their own decisions). Or getting more and more pissed off by the situation, missing DP and DC, and regretting the decision.

How will your db respond to your plan? Will he appreciate you putting yourself out or will he complain that DP isn't there/you're not attending all the activities laid on? Will he make sure that you're seated where you'll be comfortable or will you be put on an odds and sods table like a pp.

@madmadamin, why are you taking this so personally? Has it hit a nerve ?

And as for not knowing grandparents (or anyone else closely enough to feel safe with them) - then yes, I see that as a parental fail. Their child is 2 years old - not 2 months

What a weirdly defensive thing to say. I wonder why you're so eager to take jabs at other people's parenting...

Madmadamin, maybe the grandparents aren't able to mind a 2 year old for 5 days ....it's a huge ask and 2 year olds are very active and tiring. It's probably easier to leave a 2 month old for 5 nights than a 2 year old !!!
A 2 month old may not notice but a 2 year sure will and will let everyone know!!
You obviously have zero experience with children and zero empathy for other people's circumstance.

Childfree wedding or childfree holiday

Is everyone staying in same hotel. So b&g don’t want hassle of kids on their holidays /wedding /honeymoon

5 days I agree is a long time to lewve a 2yr. One or two nights not a problem

So give db options

1 you don’t go
2 you go literally for wedding so fly in day bride
And fly home evening /morning after wedding
3 you dh and dc go - but stay in diff hotel and either dh had dc or hotel babysitter for the few hours of wedding

I don’t have a problem with childfree weddings if in uk /same country you live in

I’m getting married next year and have said family only Children

This is as all bar 3 friends have children. If they all came be no room for adults

So fairest way and to make sure most can come is to say only family - as family who would usually look after the children would ehbat the wedding

I have said to friends far away that I hope they can come if they find childcare - but if they can’t then understand that they cant attend our wedding

Op - def don’t ask if dd can come. But give fb the above options and ask which he prefers

I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the responses to be honest. And though I'm really grateful for the advice, this seems to have spiralled into a debate about child free weddings, which is not really what the post is about. As a pp put it, it's a child free trip rather than a wedding which if a home would only be a day. Anyway I will be going probably for a couple of nights and dh will probably stay with dd at home. Thanks to everyone's advice and I think my mind has been made up.

Mad lot easier to leave a 2mth old than a 2yr old. Much harder work being run ragged by a toddler who's aware their DM isn't around.

Good for you op, I think it’s a good call.

I’m not anti child free weddings, I’m anti weddings where guests aren’t given consideration, that’s simple good hosting. There could/should have been thought given to this right at the conception stage of a child free destination wedding.
“We want to get married in Croatia, we don’t want kids there. My sister has a child so we need to think about how that will work because I love my sister and her attendance is important to me”

They expect you to spend a very significant sum to attend their event, they should have been prepared to match that financial commitment with the provision of a holiday nanny or have made some steps towards catering for your needs not just their own. Expectations that someone else will sort it just don’t cut it.

MadMadaMim

They might well want adult guests - sadly they can't force people to leave their children, take holiday from work or spend their money travelling to their wedding.

And how on earth is not having grandparents available to babysit for 5 days a parenting fail? Some children might only see grandparents once a year, maybe less, due to geography. We don't all live our lives in order to facilitate the demands of a bride and groom.

And my point about illness was that it is unpredictable. I would never have travelled to another country and left my children with extended family. If they are taken ill it might not be possible to travel back straight away. I would just never had done it in order to pander to the demands of a couple as selfish as this.

If you make these sorts of demands you simply have to accept, without question, that some people won't attend.

I wouldn’t go, or if you really want to be there, id fly out just for the wedding and miss all the other planned stuff, could do say evening before and then fly home early day the after so not too long away from DD!

I wouldn’t leave my two year old daughter. Either take her and get a babysitter for the night or the few hours in the day when the wedding ceremony and party take place, or don’t go. It’s not worth it and your daughter diesn’t deserve being left behind.

If I plan my wedding at the end of a mountain hike, that might be my dream, but it means that I care more about a mountain wedding than my 90year old grandmother attending.

I could plan my wedding for the same weekend as my siblings graduation because the date is important to me. But I am also saying that having my sibling, and probably my parents, attend is not important to me.

If I request my siblings leave their children behind and travel abroad for 5 days, I can have my dream wedding, but I am really saying that I don’t actually care if my siblings attend the wedding.

There are always trade-offs. The people planning the wedding decide what matters most to them.

All these people suggesting get a babysitter - are you really happy to leave your child with a complete stranger? Really?

I would never leave my child with a hotel or agency sitter. Are there really people who would do that? I always assumed that if someone actually asked the hotel for a sitter, they would scramble to provide one because no guest had ever taken them up on the offer before.

How sad. Why would anyone plan a wedding and say no to children? I know lots of people do this and say ‘it’s whatever the couple want’ but I think it’s such a shame. Children bring joy to such events. Especially family gatherings

That's your opinion happy, some don't want fractious kids distracting others during their ceremony. Or the running about screaming. Lots of parents don't even consider removing their little darlings if they start to cry etc. There is nothing wrong with a couple wanting their day to be enjoyed without the noise and chaos of other people's children.

@Purpleartichoke - my eyes have been opened, it seems you can leave your toddler with the hotel sitter for 5 days to show you're really winning at parenting!

Not sure if this has been said, but perhaps you could go just for the wedding and not the rest of the activities or your daughter could go with you and you could take grandparents with you could stay with her in the motel or go sightseeing during the activities so at least you could come home to her at night. (Might work out a bit expensive)
I must say though that I would have thought that close families children would be allowed to go. You are hardly expecting the bride and groom to babysit!!

I am feeling very sad for you op, but I am glad you have made a decision on what to do and although it will be hard for you to go without your dh and your dc I think you have made the best call to try and keep everyone happy. My bil got married abroad when my dd was 6 months but we took her to the wedding, but my sil went solo she found the trip hard because she missed her dh and children but they couldn't justify the cost for all of them. My bil who got married used to pass remarks to anyone who didn't travel to the wedding which I think was so unfair but brides and grooms can become so self obsessed and caught up in their day.

I think that’s a very, good compromise and probably the best outcome. Perhaps one day your db will realise how selfish this choice was. I hope he doesn’t give you a hard time.

MadMadda (apt name btw)

For all you blethering it is the responsibility of the host to make their guests feel comfortable. Clearly op is not comfortable and has made the best albeit difficult choice to attend alone.

As for a being a parenting failure if you’re unable to leave your child. What a load of twoddle. All children cannot be treated the same as they are not robots with exactly the same needs and personality. My daughter had separation anxiety at two. She definitely would not have coped with being separated from me for that length of time. She found going to school very difficult and she only started to feel completely safe away from me when she was 7, almost 8. I left her a couple of nights when she was a little over a year old and she was fine. Age has a big bearing.

From what you have said I can deduce one of 3 things. 1) you don’t have children and are clueless. 2) your child / children are fine to be left for 5 days as they are individual(s) but not all children are the same. 3) you don’t give a shit about your child(ren)’s feelings.

He's being totally unreasonable! For his wedding he wants you abs DO to

1. Spend a lot of money to get there
2. Take annual leave

But hey you could combine this with a family holiday .... but no you can't because the whole family are not invited.

I would not be going and telling him why!

Op I think you have made the right decision.

And as for not knowing grandparents (or anyone else closely enough to feel safe with them) - then yes, I see that as a parental fail. Their child is 2 years old - not 2 months

Actually she's 1 year old. But we have already established that you thinking something is true doesn't necessarily bear any relation to reality, so you're not going to be persuading anyone by telling them what your opinion is. Probably the contrary, in fact!

Not yet RTFT however I wouldn't go on account of it being a destination wedding, on principle. Who has that type of money to just drop life for 3 days and go overseas? It is selfish and unreasonable of him to have a destination wedding. I believe strongly in child-free weddings, I don't believe weddings are appropriate for children. HOWEVER just leaving an almost 2 year old to go overseas for 3 days is unreasonable. It is unreasonble of him. I wouldn't go. But as I said, I would decline the invite based on the 'destination' bs part of it on it's own. Imo only selfish CFs do destination weddings. Send you decline through.

@Mummyoflittledragon - no, none of my family expected me to go, they were all really concerned about us traveling after me having an emergency csection. I recovered pretty well, but was completely exhausted.
I went because I thought I’d always feel guilty or that I’d missed out if I hadn’t gone, I thought I should be there for my brother’s sake.
He was totally stressed by the whole thing - he wanted to make an exception for my DD to be there, but his crazy ex was having none of it - she actually admitted it was because she didn’t want the attention taken off her by a little baby!