To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

[Februaryblooms]

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

@LunafortJest I give up. No matter what I say you wont understand my point. You just go ahead and keep generalising.

For those who said I'm "derailing", this is obviously a mental health issue. The OP said he has ASD, so why should we ignore that? He is very obviously struggling with social cues and not understanding what is being explained to him. There may be a reason related to his ASD which is all I'm stating but this is mumsnet and because he is a grown man he clearly is CF regardless of his mental health.

That somebody couldn't coach if they had a medical condition that didn't allow them to drive?

Personally driving or not is not really the point. It's whether they could manage the coaching responsibilities to the standard required. If that included responsibility for transporting large items of kit, then the onus is on the coach to organise that as part of their role - whether they get parents involved, hire a driver, send it by carrier pigeon etc...

(A young PT started up one of those outside fitness clubs near me. He had his mum and dad helping out by driving his kit to the park each week. So he didn't drive, but he took responsibility for arranging it. Everyone happy.)

OP this is actually a good problem because it doesn't affect you in any way. Not even embarrassment, as the rest of the team aren't your friends or even acquaintances by the sounds of it. It's the ultimate "not my problem" situation. Forget trying to convince him to stop asking or convince his team mates to organise a roster for lifts or whatever.

Agree.

Don’t tell him by eg Thursday that you won’t be giving him money as that makes you the bad one stopping him going. Don’t engage at all-don’t give him money, if he moans-either don’t engage or say, ‘we’ve already been through this-I’ve told you why they don’t want to take you’.

Honestly, he’s unprepared to spend £5 of his own money to get there, but will spend your £5 if he has to. You can bet your bottom dollar that it’s costing his ‘team’ Mates more than that to get him each week. He sounds awful. Yes, he has ASD but he seems to think you deserves to be given limo treatment despite you explaining the situation and how the others feel repeatedly. I don’t see what else OP can do do make him understand.

Do they have a coffee/beer afterwards? Who pays for that?

I agree with what you are saying CallMeSirShotsFired I think its ballocks to suggest someone whoc ant drive due to medical condition cant coach. My point was that making assumptions about a coach because they don't drive is not on. Of course they should be able to take responsibility for getting themselves and the kit to the matches.

Back to the point, OP should either ignore her partners moaning and not give him money to enable it and see how it goes next week. If no improvement then maybe consider why he is not understanding the situation. If she is suggesting he has ASD than why not look into getting him support if he needs it? If he stops moaning after she ignores it this week than yes, he will start to understand on his own.

PengAly, you seem to refuse to want to get it. OP's DH has had it explained to him. He understands now. He simply doesn't want to accept it.

Also, no it is not bollocks to suggest that a person with a medical condition couldn't coach - at least most likely wouldn't be able to coach, as you aren't banned from driving unless it is a serious health issue. So if it is serious enough you cannot operate a motor vehicle, well.....

I think if the liftee lives enroute for the lifter, then there’s not usually a problem. But if the lifter is expected to travel to collect that person, and said person is entitled or a cf then I can we’ll understamd the other team mates getting pissed off. There’s a big difference to giving a lift to someone who genuinely appreciates it, to that of someone who feels and acts entitled to the lift.

It's not the giving lifts that people generally mind, it's the adult who refuses to take responsibility for themselves. OP do not get involved, and definitely don't give him your bank card. You've tried your best to explain the situation to him, if he refuses to listen there's nothing you can do.

It is possible to be entirely suitable to be a football coach and not be able to afford to run a car. Or to be too nervous about driving to do it. Or to have sleep apnea. Or to only have one arm. Or a hundred other things that stop you driving but don’t stop you coaching. And with, say 10 away matches a season you would think parents wouldn’t begrudge taking turns to give him a lift once a season. Oh, but they did.They truly did.

Completely unreasonable to expect lifts without either reciprocating (which he can't) or paying fuel money. I share lifts with friends to something I do but I drive half the time, dd who can't drive for medical reasons always buys her lift a drink (plus he drives right past us to get to his house!). If he drove he would need to pay for fuel so paying the bus fare is quite reasonable to expect and needs to budget accordingly

What is his line of thought, OP? I think that is probably the way to get through to him.

Does he think they should all provide lifts because they NEED him as a goalie?

Does he think they should do it because they are richer than him?

Is it because he has ASD?

Where has this sense of entitlement come from?

no it is not bollocks to suggest that a person with a medical condition couldn't coach - at least most likely wouldn't be able to coach, as you aren't banned from driving unless it is a serious health issue. So if it is serious enough you cannot operate a motor vehicle, well

What the hell has driving got to.so with understanding physical fitness, sports, the human body and rhe countless other things required to be a good coach?

My ds's p.e. teacher at school teaches from his wheelchair better ask him if he drives in case it turns out he is incapable of being a pe teacher eh?
Some people dont want to drive, some couldn't afford to, some have medical conditions that prevent them but doesnt stop them getting on with thier lives doing what they do best. So many reasons not to drive but doesnt make you incapable of doing anything else ffs.

Give your head a wobble you are giving Aussies a bad name with your utter ignorance of the world around you with your superior and selfish entitled attitude every time you post.

@BertrandRussell

Oh bollocks to the wear and tear on the car/costing money argument. You’re going there anyway!

And I rest my case. Entitled, arrogant, and fucking rude. People like YOU give people a bad name, and PROVE why people get pissed off with people begging lifts.

For a start, if you had read my post properly I SAID that some people expect you to go out of their way, and do an extra 3-5 miles to pick them up from their house, several miles away, and then drop them off somewhere out of the way.

And so what if I AM going the same way. Why the fuck should I give YOU a lift? Get your own bastard car, and stop cadging lifts off others. Fucking cheek.

Some non-drivers (not all) are ridiculously entitled when it comes to getting lifts and the OP’s partner is one of them.

These people are clearly really pissed off and sont like the way he casually sends messages out at the last minute trying to scrounge a lift. He could get himself there for £5 but refuses so clearly isn’t going to give them any petrol money. Why should they help him?!

People usually offer lifts, I don't drive and never have a problem.
If they are going my way I'll ask for a lift, I'll pay petrol and don't expect anyone to go out of their way for me.
maybe, it's a location thing, I've never heard of people not offering lifts when they go in the same direction.
Some people are just plain nasty and wouldn't dream of offering

And so what if I AM going the same way. Why the fuck should I give YOU a lift? Get your own bastard car, and stop cadging lifts off others. Fucking cheek

@hoppityfrog3 - u ok hun?

“And I rest my case. Entitled, arrogant, and fucking rude. People like YOU give people a bad name, and PROVE why people get pissed off with people begging lifts.”

What- because I don’t think giving people lifts causes any additional wear and tear to my car? What a very strange point of view!

If they are going my way I'll ask for a lift, I'll pay petrol and don't expect anyone to go out of their way for me.

That’s great. Not what the OP’s partner is suggesting though.

II've never heard of people not offering lifts when they go in the same direction.Some people are just plain nasty and wouldn't dream of offering*

That’s not what is happening in the OP’s situation though.

There is a huge difference between going an hour out of your way to collect sonebody’s dog and giving a team mate a lift from a convenient pick up place to a match you are both playing in!!!!!

You're still ignoring the points people are making, Bertrand. As a one-off, or maybe even a two-off or three-off, fine. Expecting it every sodding week for free, not fine. It can be a major pain having to go out of your way to pick up said person, not have your personal space on the way, not being able to listen to your choice on the radio, having to hang around because they're not ready to leave when you are or vice versa, etc etc. Again, occasionally that's OK, but not if it's something that the liftee is cadging without offering a penny towards costs week after week.

I remember an insane thread where people were seriously saying that the coach of a children’s football team should go to away matches on the bus carrying all the kit needed rather than ask parents for a lift...

I remember that thread, but I'm not sure that you're right about the details. Wasn't the issue in fact that one coach was cadging a lift for the children of another coach or something similar? ISTR that the problem was in part that the children were quite rude and badly behaved.

Holiday

It's what others are talking about though e're on page 7 and threads move on.

“You're still ignoring the points people are making, Bertrand. As a one-off, or maybe even a two-off or three-off, fine.”
I’m not ignoring them- I just think they’re a bit ridiculous, to be honest. Yes of course being asked to go miles out of your way or being kept waiting for ages is out of order but why can’t you play your own music? And if you’ee Not going straight home you just say you can’t do it this week. And anyway, if it’s a team you won’t be doing it every week.

I’m not ignoring them- I just think they’re a bit ridiculous, to be honest but you can't comprehend that some people just don't want to give lifts? They dont have to and shouldnt be expected to.
What does this guy do to help his team? Some people in life are just takers and get the hump when people get fed up of giving all the time.

“I’m not ignoring them- I just think they’re a bit ridiculous, to be honest but you can't comprehend that some people just don't want to give lifts? They dont have to and shouldnt be expected to.“

Of course I can comprehend that some people don’t want to give lifts. In fact, “I don’t want to” is probably the best reason for not. It’s all the “wear and tear” “cost of the petrol” “want to listen to my music” “ other person doesn’t grovel enough” “it’s a massive inconvenience” stuff I find ridiculous. Somebody is going where i’m going? Of course they can have a lift. I’m not carrying them!

So from what the op says I think it's clear the team mates don't want to...why shpuld they have to and if they dont, why does op have to pay?
He needs to sort his own transport, stop relying on others and stop the moaning whilst he's at it.