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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

296 replies

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:51

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/02/2019 21:04

Well this has taken an unexpected turn.

Also, no it is not bollocks to suggest that a person with a medical condition couldn't coach

It really, really is bollocks. I was fortunate enough to be treated to 3 sessions with a personal trainer last year. He had his forearm and hand missing. I'd say that was a medical condition (or a disability) and he was fab at his job. I know of a coach who is an excellent coach, who can't drive because of their epilepsy. It has no bearing on their ability to coach the team though. Of course, they might not be a driver because their car has been written off, or stolen, or finances might be tight, or it isn't necessary for their job so not financially worthwhile to them - it might not be a medical condition. You really are talking rubbish.

@HoppityFrog3 No-one would EVER be OK with giving free lifts indefinitely.
How sad that you have only met such a limited bunch of people. I will always give lifts if I'm going somewhere with space in my car - 'why wouldn't you?' is my thinking. I've been giving one of dd's team-mates lifts twice a week (training + match) for 7 years or more now. She's a great player and would not be able to get there herself, so it's just what normal people do, in my world.

BackforGood · 25/02/2019 21:08

Oh, to return to the OP's situation, for a minute though, none of us really know how far people are going out their way for him; how 'socially awkward' OP's dp is; how big the squad of players is and how good he is at football (which makes a difference as to how much they need / want him in the team), so it is difficult to know if I would be willing to do that for an adult or not. It is the time factor not the cost in petrol or 'wear and tear' for me, so no, I wouldn't regularly go and fetch an adult from miles away to get to the match. If an adult chooses to play for a non-local team, then it is their responsibility to get to the home matches, and to my house or somewhere en-route for the away matches.

GnomeDePlume · 25/02/2019 21:30

OP said that the other team members werent in the same borough. This can just add to the inconvenience with an unfamiliar road system.

IME people who have never driven view the road situation differently. Dont stand in the best place to be picked up. Take too long getting in and out faffing around with getting their bags carefully stowed as traffic builds up behind the stopped car. Giving navigation instructions which ignore things like one way systems and giving them too late for a safe turn.

All of these things arent a problem as a pedestrian but are a problem when taking a lift.

HoppityFrog3 · 25/02/2019 22:16

@Backforgood

I will always give lifts if I'm going somewhere with space in my car - 'why wouldn't you?' is my thinking.

Because I'm not a pushover, with the word 'mug' tattooed on my forehead. As I said, I have been used by cheeky cunts, and entitled twats many times in the past. It doesn't happen now, as I wiped the footprints off my forehead some 10 years back.

One thing though, what the hell has it got to do with YOU if I never give lifts to people? It's none of your damn business. You crack on giving lifts to the world and his husband, as I am sure people just LOVE you...... and the free lifts they constantly get from you PMSL!

HoppityFrog3 · 25/02/2019 22:17

@Graphista

EXCELLENT post up there (top of page 10.) Grin

100% agree, I could have written that myself! Grin

SaturdayNext · 25/02/2019 22:37

I've been giving one of dd's team-mates lifts twice a week (training + match) for 7 years or more now.

Does she thank you, BackforGood? Does she complain if for any reason you can't offer a lift?

BackforGood · 25/02/2019 22:46

You sound like a very angry person @HoppityFrog3

It is absolutely no skin off my nose if you give people lifts or if you don't give people lifts, but you were in utter disbelief, upthread, that anther poster could possibly be telling the truth. I was just letting you know that it is a perfectly normal thing to do in my life. I know lots of people that offer other people lifts (including to sporting fixtures, which is where this thread started) - I'm not in any way suggesting that I am unusual in helping people out when I can.
I'm not a mug. I just understand that the world is a much happier place when people treat each other the way they would like to be treated.

BackforGood · 25/02/2019 22:47

SaturdayNext - yes she does. She is beautifully mannered, though I very, very rarely see either of her parents. No, of course she doesn't complain.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2019 23:08

Then backforgood, that isn't the same situation as the ops dh.
He gets countless lifts, never says thank you, and complains if he doesn't get one. That is the issue that many have a problem with, the expectation and entitlement.
Giving lifts to a child isn't really the same thing as to an adult who has joined a club, knowing full well he can't get to any of the matches unless someone drives him. A child doesn't do this.

BackforGood · 25/02/2019 23:15

I know. I wasn't talking about the OP in this post, I was pointing out to HoppityFrog that is is perfectly normal for people to offer lifts to other people, as she struggled to believe it could possibly be 'a thing' and was rude to another poster upthread.

I've commented quite differently in response to the OP (today at 21:08:49 and on Saturday at 21:27:53)

HoppityFrog3 · 25/02/2019 23:19

You sound like a very angry person @backforgood who doesn't like it when someone has the AUDACITY to think differently to you.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? And about your low self-esteem.... ie; being a people pleaser/feeling the need to accommodate everyone? Sad

EthelFechan · 25/02/2019 23:29

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BackforGood · 25/02/2019 23:34

I don't think I'm the one coming across as angry Grin

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/02/2019 23:38

I know we shouldn’t derail, but the argument is way more entertaining than the actual thread.

RomanyQueen1 · 25/02/2019 23:59

Why would a person being kind to others have low self esteem?
i'd help anyone within reason, I don't drive and have accepted lifts. I have given back and I always offer money, drink, baby sitting, whatever the person needs. Being nice usually makes you feel nice about yourself, rather than being unkind and uncaring which just makes you bitter.

That said, just because somebody prefers not to offer lifts doesn't make them a bad person. They may be very helpful and caring in other ways.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 05:51

Being unable to sleep and overinvwsted in this thread, I have discovered that an extra passenger apparently adds about £3 to the cost of 1000 miles of driving. So those of you expecting petrol money, bottles of wine or even cups of coffee are the greedy entitled ones! Grin

Redskyandrainbows67 · 26/02/2019 06:16

Betr but the driver is paying anyway - why should the driver pay and the passenger get a free ride?

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 06:36

Because the driver would be going anyway!

SaturdayNext · 26/02/2019 06:46

I have discovered that an extra passenger apparently adds about £3 to the cost of 1000 miles of driving.

Surely that depends on whether the driver is having to go out of their way to pick up and collect the passenger?

The fact that the driver is going anyway doesn't address the point that the passenger is expecting a free ride every week in circumstances where the driver's kindness is saving him a significant amount of money. It's just basic good manners to offer something towards petrol costs. Where that isn't being offered and the passenger clearly feels he's entitled to demand it, it is in no way bizarre for the driver to object.

GnomeDePlume · 26/02/2019 06:47

Unless the lift taker walks to the lift giver's home or is picked up precisely on the route the lift giver would have chosen then the lift giver is going out of their way.

A detour might only be a few miles/minutes but it is a few miles/minutes off the route then back on to the route and then repeat for the return journey.

IME it is the non-drivers who dont appreciate the extra parts to the journey which they have caused.

Add in hassle, inflexibility, inconvenience then an offer of a few pounds seems perfectly reasonable.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 06:50

“Surely that depends on whether the driver is having to go out of their way to pick up and collect the passenger?“

I’ve said all along that it’s different if offering the lift takes you miles out of your way or is inconvenient.

I was just addressing the posters shouting at me for being amused at the thought of an extra passenger causing wear and tear and using more petrol.

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 06:54

I’ve just remembered watching Noddy with dd years ago and telling her that Noddy was being very mean asking his friends for sixpence when he gave them a lift. She pointed out to me very kindly that he was a taxi driver.........Who knew?.......Grin

Graphista · 26/02/2019 07:00

Source?

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 07:05

Brother in Law. Mechanical Engineer. Works in the automotive industry.

But I don’t claim the figures to be definitive - it was a top of the head figure in response to a late night text.

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2019 07:16

My company pays 45p a mile if i use my car for work purposes which is to cover fuel and wear and tear. Think that's set by the government.
Anyhoo, none of this acrually matters.

Bert, you remind me of my aunt who lives in the arse back end of nowhere, only a few house dotted around and the nearest town is a 30 min journey away. It's single track road with sheep all over the road and passing places every 20 yards. No shop etc. So when someone is making a trip they will offer or people ask. Obviously that's community spirit.
Living in a city or trying to get to your own hobby, which he chose himself...knowing the location of where it was going to be and knowung he cant drive... nah. He could get public tranport, doesnt want to pay or cant pay. I seriously have no sympathy for him.