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AIBU?

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Original poster

SN Son shouted at by woman in cafe

184 replies

missmama12 · 23/02/2019 15:10

My family and I recently went out for a meal and my youngest DC has autism which causes him to be very hyperactive and agitated in public spaces and as a result of this, the woman on the table beside ours leaned over and shouted at my son due to him being too loud! I am at a loss what to do because I don't want my DS to miss out on days out with the family due to his disability. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

OP posts:
UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 23/02/2019 15:12

How old is your son ? What is appropriate for a 4-year-old is different from what is appropriate for a 24-year-old.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/02/2019 15:12

Oh no how horrible for you all Flowers

Hyperactive and agitated could mean all sorts of things. How noisy would you say he was being? What have you tried to make this easier?

Sirzy · 23/02/2019 15:13

What was agitating him? Figuring that out is the key to helping him.

Eating out is one of the few things ds enjoys (which is odd as he doesn’t like eating!) but we have to go to the right place where he is known and make sure we are armed with ear defenders and iPad at a minimum.

He can’t do too long so it’s only ever one course.

wigglypiggly · 23/02/2019 15:14

That would be upsetting, did you explain to the woman that he has autism and tell her not to shout at him. What would you usually do in these circumstances, do you move him away to a quieter area for a while.

funinthesun19 · 23/02/2019 15:14

I’ve never understood what gives people the right to tell other people’s children to shut up or tell the parents to shut them up.

Would these same people go up to a group of teenagers or noisy adults and tell them to shut up? No they wouldn’t but they have no problem sticking the boot in when it comes to children.

Original poster
missmama12 · 23/02/2019 15:18

After the ordeal I explained to the woman that my DS, who is 3 y/o, has autism but she didn't seem too sympathetic so we left early because we didn't want to sit near her as it was upsetting the rest of the family.

OP posts:
Intohellbutstayingstrong · 23/02/2019 15:18

I’ve never understood what gives people the right to tell other people’s children to shut up or tell the parents to shut them up

Context is everything. If kids are creating merry hell, running riot and ruining everybody else day and feckless, lazy arse parents are doing fuck all then yes.... people DO have the right to intervene

Fabaunt · 23/02/2019 15:19

You need to give more of the context of the situation. Being autistic isn’t a blanket defense for being disruptive or extremely loud while other people who’ve also paid for their lunch are minding their own business.

I think people should be a little bit more understanding but that goes for both parties. Just before Christmas I saw an autistic woman who was out with her carer smack an elderly woman in a que for costa. The woman left the store in floods of tears and the lady accompanying the SN woman couldn’t leave her to go check on the woman.
There is absolutely NO excusing that behaviour and if someone, autistic or not, hit my 70 year old nan, there would be hell to pay.

I think if the child was out of control, very disruptive or upset then the onus was on you to deal with the situation.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 23/02/2019 15:20

OP some people just dont understand even want to try and understand when you try and explain

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 23/02/2019 15:22

@Fabaunt I will assume you have an autistic child or work closely with autistic children Hmm

Sirzy · 23/02/2019 15:24

I have an autistic child and agree too a point. For the sake of the child if nothing else you need to take steps to ease it.

You also have to remember that others in the setting may also have various issues and the impact it will have on them.

It’s a horrible balancing act but it has to be done. We are part of a wider society after all.

timeforteaplease1 · 23/02/2019 15:24

@Intohellbutstayingstrong

I agree with @Fabaunt why should autism give you carte Blanche to hit?

pinkgloves · 23/02/2019 15:24

@Fabaunt nice. HmmBiscuit

Bobbycat121 · 23/02/2019 15:25

Unfortunately even explaining doesnt work with some people. Ive had this alot with my asd dd. A woman shouted at her on the bus because she was trying to get passed her but the woman wouldnt let her, but my dd was panicking to get passed as the bus was crowded. When I explained my dd had autism I got “Know the wonder she has mental health problems with a mother like you!” I hadnt even done anything, I was just standing there holding my 6 month old (at the time) Some people dont care even when you explain. Unfortunately you will have to develope a thicker skin as sadly I get it alot

IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:26

Context is important, I think.

Original poster
missmama12 · 23/02/2019 15:27

@Fabaunt My DS was not out of control, he was loud but stayed in his seat and I thought that the woman was out of order to say anything to my son because he wasn't in her way and did nothing to cause her harm. This was our first time trying to eat out for a family meal and we didn't know the precautions we should have to take in order to keep him safe.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:27

Well, what did she say? What was he doing?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/02/2019 15:29

he was loud but stayed in his seat and I thought that the woman was out of order to say anything to my son because he wasn't in her way and did nothing to cause her harm

But loud noises are painful for some people. Whether this was true for her or she was being shirty for no reason I don’t know.

With strategies up your sleeve it will get easier

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 23/02/2019 15:29

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SpringForEver · 23/02/2019 15:29

Please don't forget that there are also people with problems, not just children, some who may look forward to visiting a cafe as a treat and to enjoy some quiet time which these days can be quite rare. I am not saying that she shouldn't have shouted but maybe just be aware of other people too, not everyone can tolerate a noisy child, and you are used to it, others are not.

Original poster
missmama12 · 23/02/2019 15:30

The woman in question turned around to my DS and pointed to his face and said "be quiet" which seemed like something that you don't say to someone else's toddler regardless of the circumstances!

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/02/2019 15:30

in order to keep him safe

Sorry just seen this. Why wasn’t the situation safe for him?

Sounds like a very stressful meal

clairemcnam · 23/02/2019 15:30

Would these same people go up to a group of teenagers or noisy adults and tell them to shut up?
Yes and I have done if it is too much. I don't tell them to shut up though, I politely ask them to keep the noise down.

Sirzy · 23/02/2019 15:31

How long had he been being loud?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/02/2019 15:31

*The woman in question turned around to my DS and pointed to his face and said "be quiet"^

Said or shouted?

To be honest if she was getting really wound up then it could have been a lot worse.

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