SN Son shouted at by woman in cafe

[missmama12]

My family and I recently went out for a meal and my youngest DC has autism which causes him to be very hyperactive and agitated in public spaces and as a result of this, the woman on the table beside ours leaned over and shouted at my son due to him being too loud! I am at a loss what to do because I don't want my DS to miss out on days out with the family due to his disability. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Op sorry you must have felt shook up, but this lady too might have had reason to have a short fuse, what if she had just had bad news and gone for a cuppa to calm her nerves and ended up with a child screaming. Here are some tips:

1. Pick the right place, child friendly pubs which are fairly large. Small cafes full of adultsprob aren’t suitable.

1. Find out what DS triggers are avoid these places

1. Recognise that you might have switched off to an extent to the noise, othershavent. If there is 5 min or more of solid loud noise, it really isn’t fair on anyone else there and you need to go outside for a bit.

1. What things pacify your son?

I have a son with ASD, when he was the same age as your DS we often used to get comments and looks from people when we were out as he was often noisy, liked to move around a lot and had frequent meltdowns. I am sorry you had to go through that OP as it's very upsetting when it happens constantly. I cried on the way home many times after unkind comments from strangers, and started telling people he was autistic to help them understand his behaviour.

Usually I had a sympathetic reaction (and often an apology from them). As he got older, and more verbal, it was easier for us to work out his triggers and avoid having issues in the first place. We also had some helpful input from speech therapists and started using visual stories and timetables, those helped a lot too from about the age of 4/4.5.

Although we didn't get a formal diagnosis at 3, he was assessed as possibly being on the spectrum at quite a young age. Diagnosis came a few years later. Still, there were times when he became agitated or just needed to self-regulate and we hadn't anticipated it or been able to avoid it. We found having an ipad and headphones helpful as it would calm him down if we absolutely needed to do something.

Ok @PrivacyPolicyYeahRight

Apologies

I was only being sniffy, because I feel this OP is getting unfairly hard ride

With my friends child it wasn't "official" til much later but it was quite clear to everyone by that early and both of us had a really good knowledge of autism ourselves then to stop it

Just smile and say you are really sorry but he is autistic and you are doing your best.

It shows though that one size doesn’t fit all so many people suggesting finding family friendly places but a lot of them are unsuitable for ds as they tend to be much louder and brighter than he can cope with!

I didn't think you were a doubter, just thought that I would point out differences. In my area it is almost down to what doctor you get allocated or educational psychologist you get sent to.

It a shame that parents have to fight for help and for diagnosis. I didn't have a problem getting a diagnosis but in school it was a constant battle to get help. It took 7 years to get a statement which then became a echp. Since the echp, it has been so much easier especially post 16 and at college stage.

Spot it

My son usually settles with noise cancelling headphones but occasionally he can pull them off as he sometimes gets agitated by them.

OP, don't ask such questions in Aibu. It's full of ignorant bigots who don't have first hand experience of ASD and who will question you why ASD is an excuse for bad behaviour etc.

I have a DD with severe Asd - we simply didn't go out when she was that young as we got just nasty reactions galore when ever we tried it.

IPad and earphones we have found can be a.lifesaver. Also eating a bit earlier or later than usual times. So having dinner at 4.30pm when its quieter. Picking places that tables are more spread out so we can get a table that's a bit separate and child friendly chains like pizza hut/express. Or fast food chains like kfc

It's not a random woman's place to shout at someone else's toddler for NOISE

She didn't shout though. She said 'be quiet', according to the OP. I wouldn't have done it but she could have said a lot worse tbh and as PP have said, she could easily have had issues with loud noise and found it too overwhelming.

Just smile and say you are really sorry but he is autistic and you are doing your best.

Yes, but make sure you’re actually doing your best!

My approach has always been that I try to minimize disruption for others with all of my dc.

So in a similar vein to not letting a child run around in a restaurant with waiters carrying trays etc, I do what I can to minimise dd’s different but still disruptive behaviour.

Very upsetting to have a stranger shout at him, but she may have her own issues around tolerating noise.

I'd try again on quieter days or even the less popular venues.

And it doesn’t sound like she shouted at him!

To have a diagnosis at age 3 does mean your DS's autism is quite pronounced. I helped care for a 3 year old with an ASD diagnosis and whilst he was a lovely gentle boy the noises he made were very difficult to deal with.
Obviously you haven't really given much detail about what your son was actually doing so it's hard to advise. The little boy I cared for would sit beautifully but would make very high pitched squeals and shouts. He made the noises because he was happy and didn't have the control or even slightest understanding not to. The noises were however, far too loud and irritating to others to mean it was possible to eat out in a cafe. Picnics in parks or outside areas were a bit more manageable.

I was wondering if the woman in question suffers from sensory overload/anxiety/chronic pain/autism - there can be lots of reasons for suddenly snapping. I’m certainly not disablist as I’m disabled myself and I’m also a Mum.

If the OP was slightly panicky and didn’t seem to be doing anything to try to calm her DS, maybe the woman snapped because SHE was overloaded? I’m not excusing shouting at a stranger’s 3 year old, btw. Even having a pain and anxiety overload attack I tend to put headphones in or move.

I think we need more info because atm it’s all a bit confusing.

Genuinely amazed that you are all getting diagnosis that young.

It's not really amazing when he was screaming constantly, self harming, harming others and extremely low functioning. It's pretty blindingly obvious in some cases sadly.

Not sure why *@Fabaunt** is being branded ignorant for her comments.

Having a disability does not mean that someone is given a green light to behave as they want where they want. If someone’s disability means that that person is violent and they do not have the capacity to realise that this is wrong then it is down to their carers to manage the situation to ensure the safety of others and in some instances themselves. It should not simply be accepted that if you are punched by someone saying “but they’re disabled” means that that’s ok. It explains why the situation may have happened but doesn’t make it ok, and steps need to be taken to ensure that the violent person’s behaviour is managed to the point that violence doesn’t occur. That’s not ignorant it’s a fact. We all have to co exist in society, and while we can all have understanding for other people’s situations, we all have to live together as smoothly as possible.

OP, if your ds’ behaviour is such that it is severely disruptive are there steps you can take to manage that? I.e. when the woman told him to be quiet was he screaming for instance? Or just talking loudly? It can be a bit of a balance between managing a child’s behaviour while also accepting that sometimes the public are just ignorant, but without knowing the full situation it’s impossible to know whether or not your DS’ behaviour is something which might need management in future or whether the woman was just being difficult.

For the PP who expressed surprise at diagnosis of a three year old, a friend’s DS was recently diagnosed aged two and I was really surprised but they had no issue in doing so. So I’m guessing that perhaps they’re getting more on the ball with these things? Or that perhaps some children with autism are more affected and therefore easier to diagnose...

The woman may struggle with loud noises and I did not think of that as I was taken aback by the fact that she took matters into her own hands and upset my son. I will take that into consideration if this should happen again.

DS2 has ADHD so we always take his tablet, also we always leave straight after pudding. He still kicks off when I call an Uber, I should probably give him his tablet then too.

My dd is high functioning and going through diagnosis. Things that work for her are many repetitions of social stories about the situation - so for eating out lots of stories of 'they went in and waited to be told where to sit, they looked at a menu and chose what to eat...' etc. She has some soft headband type headphones from cosyphones which work well for her, dull enough noise but are soft on her head. She takes lots of paper and pencils and likes to be given challenges, eg write what you would serve in your restaurant. We also have a watch with an analogue face so we can tell her what time we will be leaving and she can see how far it is. When she was smaller we had a bag of fiddle toys and things like the rubix cubes. We also always had things like crackers and water in our bag in case of delay. At 3 if she was getting overwhelmed we would take her outside to cool down (she can't stand being warm) and then we would run through a social story and start the process again, like pressing reset.

Go quiet, go small would be my advice. Go out for something really quick to eat on a quiet day and work towards having a full on family meal in a restaurant. Start with family friendly places and have a drink, then add in a drink with a cake/biscuit or something he really likes. Supermarket cafes are often good as there is less waiting to be served.

Thank you BartonHollow. Agree the OP is getting a hard time.

OP - I think it will be tricky for a while because your son is so young. I feel for you. I actually struggle with taking my nephew out to eat. I have to be constantly on my guard, he struggles to eat with cutlery and so is very messy and toddler like. He struggles to sit still. Yet when he talks he is high functioning so people don’t realise. They think he is just a slob or naughty and it breaks my heart. I try not to eat out with him and do other things because, ultimately, he just isn’t ready to do it yet. And that’s ok. He will come to do things in his own time.

My advice, apart from the practical suggestions I gave earlier, is to get a thick skin developing and try to hold your head up high!

It's not really amazing when he was screaming constantly, self harming, harming others and extremely low functioning. It's pretty blindingly obvious in some cases sadly.

I accept that. My nephew is high functioning but it is bloody obvious now he is older.

I'd have shouted back at the nasty cow tbh, and ask staff to move them as she was being rude.