SN Son shouted at by woman in cafe

[missmama12]

My family and I recently went out for a meal and my youngest DC has autism which causes him to be very hyperactive and agitated in public spaces and as a result of this, the woman on the table beside ours leaned over and shouted at my son due to him being too loud! I am at a loss what to do because I don't want my DS to miss out on days out with the family due to his disability. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Did she shout or tell him to be quiet, maybe she thought you weren't dealing with the situation and had enough, it sounds pretty stressful for everyone concerned.

How on earth did you manage to get a formal diagnosis of autism for a three year old?! We couldn’t get anyone to even look at my nephew until he was 4 and then it took until he was 7 to get a diagnosis because of the waiting list! Sorry, I know it isn’t the point of your thread but it is amazing that somewhere in the country seems to be on it.

As for the issue, with my nephew we accept that we have to make adjustments and if he becomes too loud one of us will take him outside to let off stream etc.

Seems like this thread has gone the wrong way as I was hoping for advice on how to prevent this in the future and make life easier for my son and others who cross his path.

Was he exceptionally loud?
Because it sounds like she intervened because she thought you were doing nothing to tackle an unreasonable situation

I assume that she didn't also have SN? A relative has autism and can't tolerate anyone else making noise, and will let them know that, though can make quite a great deal of noise himself.

We’re you trying to minimise the loudness or just letting him get on with it? Special needs or not you might have got a different reaction is you were seen to be trying to manage the situation.

And non SN 3 year olds can be far too loud as well. So his behaviour would have seemed like a 3 year old with a parent who was making no attempt to limit his noise.

People can’t give you tips without proper context OP, and you seem unwilling to provide it?

She would have loved Westfield this week - full of overexcited kids and teens. I had not realised it was half term or whatever until then. Went to library for more peace and quiet - same problem!

Getting to the age where I want a bit of peace and quiet - and I listen to black metal!!!!

I was hoping for advice on how to prevent this in the future and make life easier for my son and others who cross his path.

We want to help! You’ve not explained what happened though

So was the sum total of her "shouting" =

The woman in question turned around to my DS and pointed to his face and said "be quiet"

She should have handled it better, yes. She should have asked you to pipe him down or asked the management to have a word. Not sure what you can do to police other people's behaviour, though. Personally I don't go to cafes very often which suits me. Other types of spaces are better places to take noisy people.

OP I suggest that AIBU isn't the best section of mums net for this post.

I have three autistic sons. When they were small we didn’t eat out. My oldest just couldn’t be trusted to behave and I personally am not comfortable ruining a whole establishment full of people’s meals. But that’s us I suppose. Now they are older we can eat out again thank goodness.

Someone speaking to my toddler that way would soon regret it. Sorry op, sounds like it was all very hard

Autism does not give you carte blanche to hit, but it is understanding that with someone with very severe autism, it can be difficult as a carer to prevent this. I used to care for a 13 year old with autism who was totally non verbal. She would be most of the time easy to work with, and then would suddenly hit out with no obvious trigger, scratch, or throw something. Ina ll honesty she just seemed to enjoy doing it. But I never found a way to stop her doing it, and neither had her parents.

The best tip is to start small and go out prepared for every eventuality!

Don’t go to places when they are likely to be busy. Don’t try to do things just because you feel you should if he won’t cope

Jaxtellerswife Well don't you sound delightful.

Fabhunt you realise autism is a spectrum and not everyone is high functioning ? My son has severe autism and learning disabilities yes I keep a very close eye on him but he can be very disruptive and loud I usually leave before he starts but sometimes there no time

I have an autistic nephew and when he's getting wound up and loud, my sister removes him from the environment or takes steps to control his behaviour even if it means leaving.

The general public aren't aware of your sons diagnosis, they just see the surface behaviour. The lady certainly shouldn't have shouted at your son, but I can absolutely understand her irritation.

The onus is on you as the parent to deal with and control his behaviour when he is around others who aren't aware of his medical issues. If another child was kicking off and in turn winding your autistic son up. I'm sure you would expect some sort of effort to control it?

I'd bow out of this thread now op. The ignorant, disablist assholes are out in force today.

Ok practical suggestions:

1. hit restaurants that are child friendly.
2. keep a close eye on his noise level- I know my nephew is winding up when he starts to pull faces and twitch. That is our indicator to take him somewhere quieter.
3. firm boundaries - autism is a reason but it can be managed to a certain extent with firm boundaries. Talk to him about expectations at restaurants before leaving. Repeat repeat repeat. Someday it will go in.
4. take anything that might occupy him. Think ahead.

There is tonnes of advice online about autism/social stories etc. To be honest you should have received lots of info at diagnosis but I guess he isn’t at school so you won’t have access to some of it yet.

They wanted to diagnose my dd from 2. We are in london. I told them I wanted to wait. Its not uncommon. You can get a diagnosis from 2 not sure where you pp got 4 from 🤷‍♀️

My DD has ADHD. At age 3 we found that really the only option for eating out was to be outside in a pub garden. It does limit where and when you can go but it makes the experience much nicer all round.
I obviously do sympathise and understand SN children but if I was sat next to a very noisy child whilst trying to have a quiet meal I'd find it very irritating too. Were you using any tactics to help him keep the noise level down or did it look like you were just letting him disturb the other people in tbe cafe?

My brother was diagnosed at age 2.