SN Son shouted at by woman in cafe

[missmama12]

My family and I recently went out for a meal and my youngest DC has autism which causes him to be very hyperactive and agitated in public spaces and as a result of this, the woman on the table beside ours leaned over and shouted at my son due to him being too loud! I am at a loss what to do because I don't want my DS to miss out on days out with the family due to his disability. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Op there is a saying that I came across: I would not change my child for the world, but I would change the world for my child!

My dd 11 has ASD, learning disabilities and sensory processing difficulties. What helped us in the early days was, not taking dd out to busy places that could case a meltdown, avoiding them.

Noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders, maybe having a tablet or i pad and putting their favourite programmes on it to distract.

If they are in distress and having a meltdown, removing them from the situation asap, that means wolfing down your meal, and going so it lessens the distress on them, and also does not disrupt other people.

Maybe have Ds wear an Autism awareness t shirt, somebody I knew had business type cards made, and handed them out to people when he had a meltdown so that they knew, and as part of autism education.

We found that things got easier when dd was able to speak properly and verbalise her distress, at about 5/6 and the meltdowns significantly reduced. As she got older her understanding and tolerance to different situations increased which made things a hell of a lot easier.

@TheGreatestShoeman I will give cosyphones a try and my son does have toys to keep him busy but during the meal he seemed to have difficulty, thank you!

I’m guessing that perhaps they’re getting more on the ball with these things?

Let’s hope!! 3years of waiting had my sister on her knees! He wasn’t hard to handle as a young lad....he is now extremely difficult because his views are so rigid and he is just in his own world.

Op I have to be honest and say lots of people with 3 year olds who do not have SN do not go out to eat with them as they are not able to behave well enough yet to make that possible. It might be best to limit eating out at the moment to pub gardens and McDonalds until he is a little bit older.

Oh yes, and developing a thick skin. You will never see those people again, so just let it wash over you, and do the best you can in that situation whatever that may be.

Autism is a spectrum disorder, some can understand and are very able, some kids will need 24 hour care, and will never be fully independent due to their difficulties.

Tbh it's easier Just to go places and groups that cater specifically for special needs ime.

I'd have shouted back at the nasty cow tbh, and ask staff to move them as she was being rude.

She didn't shout. She said 'be quiet'. I don't think that qualifies as being a nasty cow when at the time she didn't know about the autism and we don't know how loud he was being.

And there is always the assumption that someone who says this is themselves NT.
I used to volunteer with a teenager with autism who could not bear loud noise and would frequently tell people to be quiet.

A strange woman leaned over, pointed in a 3 year old's face, shouted be quiet and upset him. How was that going to work anyway and.. why create sympathetic back stories for her to justify it?
Its not nice behaviour on her part.

Clearly the mum was apologetic and trying to cope with the situation.
In our local cafe there's always a hub hub of conversation and bustle.
I've been in similar situations in the past where one of my children was crying in the supermarket, not excessively, but just wanting to go home, and had an old lady come up to his face and say "You want a good smacking." These kinds of people just seem to enjoy picking on children.

OP, the woman was out of order.

I've heard of some restaurants realising there's an issue and making noises towards further accommodating the people/persons with a disability, over the complainant.

So I wonder whether you can speak to a place in advance or when you first arrive, say your son has autism and has previously upset another restaurant patron because he was loud and can they put you somewhere you can all still enjoy without necessarily bugging any arsey customers.

I'm sure any decent restaurant would be glad to help.

I really don't know why people are giving fabaunt a hard time. Am I expected to just tolerate someone lashing out at me or my family with no acknowledgement or apology?

Does eating out make your child more agitated and noisy? If you know that public spaces heighten his anxiety could you prepare in advance to ease his discomfort or distress?

You said the woman pointed and said, or shouted, be quiet, this is exactly what my adult nephew would do if he was in a cafe with a noisy child. He is on the spectrum and is very factual and direct in his dialect, he also has noise sensitivity, he frequently wears noise defenders but would have removed them while eating.

We need to be aware that we will never be in a society where everyone understands or empathises and we also can never know what others are dealing with. You haven’t said how long your DC was noisy for or how loud or what distractions you had tried.

Speaking as someone who both lives with family members on the spectrum and works with children who have autism I also believe that my tolerance for noise and disruptive behaviour is higher because it’s normal to me, it takes longer to effect me if that makes sense? Could that happen with you?

However in my experience families and children do miss out on days out due to their child’s disability, whether it is autism or not.

I really don't know why people are giving fabaunt a hard time. Am I expected to just tolerate someone lashing out at me or my family with no acknowledgement or apology?

Her son didn't lash out. Completely making up a narrative to have a dig at people with ASD? Nice.

My dd is autistic and we have never let that be an excuse for disrupting other people in public places - it's hard because it may mean being careful with plans but we are aware that the world doesn't revolve around us. Luckily she's always liked restaurants and would tut and complain about naughty children not obeying the rules (you sit and colour/do puzzles). Don't want to come across as smug as autism is very variable but a 3 year old is old enough to be entertained for a short cafe visit

AIBU possibly isn’t the best place to ask this sort of thing or get advice as all sorts of people wade in with their often very blunt opinions and they can hurt.

FWIW I have a child with autism and ADHD who finds being out and about quite stressful. I’ve found the following has helped:

A time limit- decide how long you plan to be out for and some sort of a countdown “we will have desert/I will take you to the toilet then we will go” towards the end of the meal
Eating somewhere where the service is fairly quick and it’s not too busy- we never go out for dinner on bank holidays/mother’s day etc
Distractions- phone/tablet/colouring in
Leaving the table for “a little walk” even if it’s just to the loo or a look out the window if child starts getting agitated.

Btw OP YANBU it’s never ok to shout at a 3 year old child like that.

Oh yes - re the meltdown cards etc - I have a 'wonderful' array of issues and I went to a place I think was called Differently Normal (?) for some laminated cards because even as an adult I shut down a lot when something isn't right with me and it helps to show someone the relevant card. As a 21 year old, I had a boyfriend who made me an "I'm autistic and having a meltdown/ overloading/ whatever issue, can you get me out of here/ ring my boyfriend on number for me" etc. I was a lot worse back then and it was fantastic.

@missmamma12
You need to get this moved to the special needs board if you are looking for advice! AIBU is not the right place for help!!!

I have a child with autism and severe learning difficulties. It is a balancing act when out and about, you do have to be conscious of the impact your child is having on those around you.

The woman who shouted could have been miserable and intolerant in general or she could have been at the end of her tether with the noise.

At that age I used to take something to distract dc with and always asked for a quiet table in the corner as people constantly brushing past would upset dc. Forward planning is key when going out!

OP you need to go onto the special needs board to talk about strategies and what you can do because at 3 you have a very long time of cafes etc ahead of you.

I don't think anyone could tell if a child had additional needs at 3, just as likely to be any 3 year old behaviour, I think she was rude to tackle him like that its not her child, if he was noisy then maybe (but not definitely) you can come up with ideas for the future but she was being rude and I would strongly recommend not posting on AIBU any more, because if it comes to was the adult right then you always get the same answer!

So many of us have been there, OP, it's a case of live and learn.

Some things that help my DS are:

• ear defenders, they're relatively cheap on Amazon and come in lots of different colours

• fiddle toys and silicone chews

• the iPad and some headphones so he can watch videos

• asking staff to seat us in a booth in a quieter part of the restaurant

• small snacks in my bag to mitigate any delay in the food arriving (e.g., boxes of raisins)

• modeling the behaviour I want DS to use and reminding him frequently to lower his voice, use his fork, eat one mouthful at a time, etc.

I don't know if these would work for your DS, it's not a one size fits all condition, but it's always worth looking into what techniques other ASD families use.

Naughty Carte Blanche 😂

Katinka, 3 autistic children? 💐💐💐

I would have told her where to go OP.

Easier for my now because my ASD DD is older so ok more used to this kind of thing now, when she was young it was hard to stand up to rude ignorant people.

Fabaunt. -With someone who’s only way of communicating is sadly by hitting, I’m curious as to why you think there would be hell to pay?? What do you honestly think you could do??!!

But as you said Annie autism is very variable and not all three year olds with autism will Have The cognitive ability of a typical there's old m son probably just about has it now and he's nine in may.

My younger cousin cannot handle loud noises due to a couple of conditions. In order to counteract that we take steps such as going out at quieter times, sitting away from others where we can, and leaving stressful situations. But this is a difficult one because on the one hand your DS has a condition where being quiet isn't always possible but also my cousin has a condition which means being around your DS would also not be possible.

Who comes first in that scenario? Its really hard for everyone.