SN Son shouted at by woman in cafe

[missmama12]

My family and I recently went out for a meal and my youngest DC has autism which causes him to be very hyperactive and agitated in public spaces and as a result of this, the woman on the table beside ours leaned over and shouted at my son due to him being too loud! I am at a loss what to do because I don't want my DS to miss out on days out with the family due to his disability. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

I think you very quickly need to get a thicker skin and tell people to back off.
And go to family friendly restaurants.

I see it's your first time eating out as a family, has he managed ok when it's just him and 1 adult?

PrivacyPolicyYeahRight my eldest was dx at just over 2. Had there not been a delay caused by a particular paediatrician he could have been dx at 2 and a half.

The child is only THREE

Three year olds act out autism or not.

It's not a random woman's place to shout at someone else's toddler for NOISE

you expect it

My son was diagnosed at 3 Privacy,it is was glaringly obvious

OP you are maybe not going to get the help and suggestions you wanted from this thread because you've posted it in AIBU, so people are going to respond in a "who was to blame" way, which it sounds like is not what you are hoping for (and is not the issue).

Perhaps repost on one of the other boards and ask for suggestions how to support your DS in this type is situation?

Playing devil’s advocate- what if this woman had asd or learning difficulties herself and was stressed because of the noise? I know an adult with learning difficulties who cannot deal with lots of noise and struggles to communicate without covering her ears and saying loudly “shut up” repeatedly until either the noise stops or someone removes her from the situation.

If possible my ds always sits at a window seat, an end seat not next to anyone or a table in a quiet area with lots of space around it. He has autism and I never sit him next to people, he is much happier that way. Even at the cinema and theatre, he sits on the end of the row Would that help avoid this kind of situation? I find the location of where my ds sits makes a huge difference. He becomes very active if he is seated in a busy area where he feels uncomfortable.

I'd bow out of this thread now op. The ignorant, disablist assholes are out in force today.

As a parent of an autistic child I’m surprised by this. I don’t see any disablist posts.

A couple that makes me think “ouch” but I don’t think there’s malice behind them.

Advice on how to prevent this in future ...

Over time you will become attuned to your child's triggers and behaviour. So you'll learn how to mitigate - ear defenders suit some children who are sensitive to noise; ipad/toys suit some who need to be distracted; our son craves our attention so we have to focus on him when we are out (and not our phones!)

You will also over time become a little more hardened to the reactions of others. You'll develop a thicker skin to ignore the looks and tuts. You'll concentrate more on your child and less on the surroundings. (This being a first trip out, you were probably watching for reactions.) And you'll just accept that this is the way life will be.

It's horrible the first time(s) this happens, it makes you even more aware of your child's differences. But keep going. The more often you go out, the more both you and your child will get used to the experience.

You also have to remember that others in the setting may also have various issues and the impact it will have on them.
This ^^. I'm autistic too and I really struggle with other people's noise so I avoid busy places completely. Noisy children drive me absolutely bonkers. If I was told that the child was autistic I'd accept it and feel for you & them, but I'd end up leaving.

What if the adult that shouted also has autism and struggles with loud, screeching noises?

Oh and to all the doubters my friends child is ASD and it was GLARINGLY obvious by the time she was 2.5

I really struggled when my autistic son was that age when in environments like that. I wimped out and we did alots of picnics (even in winter) and cafes when emptyish (walkers and hikers type cafes always fab) and found a few nice pubs with alcoves or tables well away. from others. Made me relax more.

I've found it easier to eat out as my son has got older as long as I take a mass supply of his fav books/comics/latest obsession.

I feel for you but you'll find family favourite places to go to. Please don't dwell on it.

We were always told they weren’t interested in diagnosis until he was over the age of 4...guess that’s just my crap area then. However, his autism has become glaringly obvious the older he gets. He was left behind his peers if that makes sense and has stayed the emotional age of a 4year old. Genuinely amazed that you are all getting diagnosis that young.

Sorry, DS1 was just over 3 not 2.

He's now 13, he doesn't tolerate noise well so we choose where we go carefully. I've been trying and failing to get him to use headphones.

DS3 also has ASD. He can struggle a bit to settle when we first go out so we again choose carefully

If you want to prevent it in future perhaps pre-emptively explain to neighbouring diners before they get arsey about the noise?

I must admit if a 3 year old was being very noisy I would struggle with it - but if the parent caught my eye and explained the circumstances, of course I would be supportive and accepting

Privacypolicyyeahright my daughter was diagnosed at 3 and her behaviour had been noted by the nursery and they had written reports since 25 months old, which was when they first called in a specialist.

I would tough it out in social settings whilst teaching your child coping strategies. My dd is now 20 and still can only cope I noisy or bright places for a short while. Crowded is the worst. However she does things to cope this have changed over the years now her headphones and music are her saviour. Her notebook she carries everywhere and her mobile to distract her.

When she was 3 it was toys that she could twist and turn and a teething toy she could chew if stressed and paper and crayons always kept her calmer.

Oh and I’m not a doubter So you can get down off your high horse. It was an observation and I’m pretty cross that our local area stops people seeking help before the age of 4.

I appreciate you say that this was the first time of trying to eat out so you weren't sure how he'd react, and whilst it's not good if the woman shouted at him, but without the full story of how loud or for how long or how you were managing things, it's difficult to say whether anyone was unreasonable here.

I'd start smaller to be honest, take a picnic and then maybe pop in to a quiet-ish cafe for just a drink or an ice-cream.

Find family activities that you can all enjoy while stretching his boundaries a little at a time in a more easily controlled (or more forgiving) environment.

What if what if.... Not everyone can be happy in public. Just try your best that's all that can be done.

OP I know its not a solution but when I used to work in a school for children with ASD we used to carry cards that we could hand out to people if they had issues with any childs behaviour. They explained in basic terms what Autism is and where they could complain to if they had any issues with our behaviour management techniques (ie the head teacher and governors of our school).
We handed out many cards and no one ever complained further once they understood more.

Thank you to those who offered support, I struggle with knowing what to do when we go out as I don't have much support outside of the immediate family.

I was hoping for advice on how to prevent this in the future and make life easier for my son and others who cross his path.

AIBU is a terrible place to get advice on additional needs. There is a SN board.

FWIW, it depends totally on how serious your child's autism is. If he's low functioning and completely unaware of his actions then it's extremely difficult and will undoubtedly limit your access to many things others take for granted.

Many higher functioning ASD kids can learn to cope fine in social situations, but it takes a lot of effort and repetition. Strategies I've used which work are:

• visual cues such as storyboarding new situations before they occur.
• being very explicit with social rules (e.g. about noise) and repeating them over and over.
• practice, and being willing to give up and go home when it doesn't work.

But I can't imagine how hard it must be to do with a 3yo. Honestly you'll get much better ideas on a specialist board or site.

My brother (who is now 34!) is autistic and as a family we just grew to have very thick skins. We did everything that any other family did and I can remember my mum and dad doing their best to not let him affect others around us but if he did and they had done everything they could to avoid it then we just took the consequences. My sister and I used to get told off for being rude if somebody said something or stared but other than that my parents just apologised and we got on with it. He can still cause a scene but we are experts at playing it down and creating diversions!

It is possible that the woman in the cafe also has special needs and cannot bear loud noises? This is common with many with ASD.