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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
gindrinkingmarypoppins · 22/02/2019 19:27

I would be taking £50 out of the joint account and telling DS to buy himself and all his mates a tub of pick and mix.

How DARE he speak to you like that and confiscate the tv remote.

You are not a child OP. He needs to understand that what he is done is so wrong, on so many levels.

itwaseverthus · 22/02/2019 19:33

He 'told' you to leave the room?! Fuck me, hell would freeze over before I would tolerate that from anyone!! LTB and slam the door on his mardy arse on his way out.

Seriously though, that is totally bang out of order. Telling you to leave the room? Staggered.

buttercupsyruplove · 22/02/2019 19:34

Op I hope you're ok... I think the price of ticket etc is the least of your worries, you're married to a complete knobhead. Ltb

MadAboutWands · 22/02/2019 19:35

He is treating you like a child, punishing you by taking the remote control because yu didn’t do as he said.

Same with not cooking your meal. Doe she realise how easy it wouod be for you to retaliate and stop doing his washing etc etc???
But more to the point, does he realise the message he is giving to his son? That when you dint get your way, then you for can sulk and punish the other person??
Wow.

So basically, for once, you have stood up for yourself and he is trying to impose himself again.
Sounds more like a bully than a husband tbh.

Billben · 22/02/2019 19:36

told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no,

For the love of God, please don’t tell me that you sometimes actually leave the room when he tells you to 😱

PinkGinFreak · 22/02/2019 19:36

I'm interested to know if he's regularly like this and is he a control freak with the kids too? What's happened op, have you managed to resolve things?

Yabbers · 22/02/2019 19:38

He wants to send you out of the room because you didn't agree with him on a fairly minor decision about your son? Serious issues there op. Think you need to consider how often this type of thing happens in your relationship. If it's not a one off I would be considering how to change this dynamic asap

Yep. This is your actual problem. How dare he send you out of the room, wholly disrespectful.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 22/02/2019 19:38

Firstly what era is he still living that he thinks £10 will be enough for the cinema 😊 secondly sounds like he wants the control.. I agree with you about the learning value of money.... DS who’s 11 hardly spends his money unless he really wants something where as dd 6 has a hole in her pocket and it’s usually all gone before a week. Then she knows she doesn’t have enough. The fact that he cooked everyone dinner except you makes him sound like a childish dickhead.

Rosered341 · 22/02/2019 19:38

I would go batshit at him for confiscating the remote control, or even thinking he could confiscate it. Who the hell does he think he is?
He sounds extremely controlling OP.

Billben · 22/02/2019 19:40

And as for not cooking you dinner and taking the remote away as punishment 😡

God, give me a day with your husband 😡😡

SherlockSays · 22/02/2019 19:41

Nando's would have been at least £12, cinema tickets are about £7-9 here so £20 may not have even been enough, definitely not enough for drink and a snack with the film too.

And DH is an absolute arse, I don't think I could be staying.

Nousernameforme · 22/02/2019 19:43

Surely the money and how much the cinema and assorted snacks cost has fuck all to do with this really.

Op says something to ds, H tries to go over her head, op stands her ground. H has an almighty tantrum and banishes op from the front room, and when that doesn't work takes the remote control with him as he wants to punish her for disobeying him.

I would not back down on this I would be sorting my own food out I would also get one of those tv remote apps you can get on your phone.
Tbh I don't think you should be hanging around much in the evening once the dc are sorted out. Take this time to reconnect with your friends go to the gym go for a walk or a drive whatever just get out of the house and take away his power. Leave him on his own in the front room with his bloody t.v (and switch the channels from another room just to piss him off)

Billben · 22/02/2019 19:44

or even thinking he could confiscate it

^This. My DH would have to learn to sleep with one eye open if he ever pulled a stunt like this.

Springisallaround · 22/02/2019 19:46

Not quite the point of the thread, but if your child is over 10 they can have a bank card and have their own money. I think this is preferable than trying to control it in the teen years, they learn about wasting money by about age 11 and then seem to go very sensible!

LannieDuck · 22/02/2019 19:49

Has he told you to leave the room/similar before? Or is this completely out of character? (I'm guessing not...)

And I agree with others, that DS's £300 is his, not your DH's. It would be sensible to save a chunk of it, but that's a conversation to have with DS (depending on his age), and is not for DH to unilaterally decide.

ilikemethewayiam · 22/02/2019 19:50

You sound surprised by this behaviour OP so I assume this is not normal for him. I would ask him what’s going on that’s caused his sudden change in behaviour! Ask him if he’s seeing someone else or taking drugs which is why he is suddenly treating you this way. It might prompt him to giving you an explanation. It seems to me this is not about the issue of the cinema! something else is going on here. If this IS normal behaviour then he is an abuser and you know what you need to do.

mkmo · 22/02/2019 19:51

wow your DH is immature and controlling. I would order a large takeaway on your joint account!

3timeslucky · 22/02/2019 19:53

So it was your son's money
He told you to leave the room
He took the remote control
He cooks dinner for everyone but you
He isn't speaking to you

Teachers used to get away with treating children like that ... controlling, abusive, humiliating. They don't now and for good reason.

There's no question as to who is being unreasonable here. But I don't know how you get beyond this kind of behaviour.

woolduvet · 22/02/2019 19:56

I'd go to bed early with a pizza, and the remote control, and if he can sort it out from his phone I'd take the WiFi fuse too

Begrateful · 22/02/2019 19:58

His behaviour is appalling! You should strongly consider LTB.🙄

EvaHarknessRose · 22/02/2019 20:02

Look happy and content and do not back down. If he doesn’t apologise, ltb.

mummmy2017 · 22/02/2019 20:04

Actually I think you do need to talk to him.
You need to be the adult and take control and address this issue...

If we all think about it we can help you come out as the good guy.

DH last night I was too shocked by the way you spoke to me, the TV and you not cooking me a meal. This is it an adult way to have a conversation.
I agree neither of us should have upsired the other over the issue of the money, and we could have compromised and said £15. But we need to talk about your reaction .

CripsSandwiches · 22/02/2019 20:07

Your DH is driving me mad just reading about him - what a controlling dick. Let DS sort his own money out. If he spends it all in one go then he'll have no more money. Unless he's a 5 year old who was given £1000 Christmas money he can figure it out himself. The TV remote thing would just drive me to the brink.

Skybooks · 22/02/2019 20:09

Am I the only one that would have given £30 with out thinking.

It's his money and it's half term!

Ps your husband is a nob!

Meandmetoo · 22/02/2019 20:21

Sky, nope, I said that earlier!

In fact, I'd have taken the £30 out of dh's wallet.