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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
Inertia · 22/02/2019 19:07

Your husband is a nasty, controlling prick.

He's expecting you to capitulate to his tantrums, as he think you'll want to keep the peace. It isn't your responsibility to always be the only one engaging in adult conversation.

BoringPerson · 22/02/2019 19:07

What do you want to happen OP? I’d be very sad and upset in your situation. Can you see yourself living with him for the rest of your life? He sounds awful.

Has this type of thing happened before? I guess if it were a one off and he apologised then I’d get over it but if he has behaved like this before then I’m not sure I could. It’s very much in many women’s characters to want to smooth things over and pretend it never happened. It’s easier than dealing with what’s happened. You need to to work out what you want.

RomaineCalm · 22/02/2019 19:08

Easy to say in hindsight but it's one of those situations where you and DH should have had the conversation first and agreed a joint response/compromise.

But I agree with the others, you're not going to help DS learn the value of money if he is told how much he can/can't have. You don't have to let him have £300 at once but you could agree that he has £100 over a couple of months in his wallet to spend/waste as he likes and then £200 to save for something bigger.

DC learned a valuable lesson early on when he went to the cinema with his friends. He filled a tub with pick 'n' mix and then had to shell out £18. I cringed when I heard later but funnily enough he's never done it again.

As for DH's behaviour. Only you know whether this is a one-off that you can talk about later (and laugh about one day) or whether it's just a sign of a bigger problem.

Whisky2014 · 22/02/2019 19:10

He is treating you and punishing you as if you are a child. If he's purposely not making you dinner I hope you've stopped doing stuff for him!

kbPOW · 22/02/2019 19:10

Your H is obviously a controlling arsehole. £20 isn't enough money for cinema and Nandos. Sorry if I've missed it but how old is your DS that you and your H decide for him how much of his own money he is allowed to have?

UrsulaPandress · 22/02/2019 19:10

He ordered you out of the room?

You have got a serious problem. He needs to sort his attitude out.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 22/02/2019 19:12

Our local cinema is £5 for under 15, £7.50 for over 15, so £10 wouldn’t get him far here and I’m aware those prices are a lot lower than most areas! £20 was a reasonable amount, especially if it’s his own money to start with!

The way your DH behaved afterwards is despicable and childish. He can’t demand you leave a room or confiscate a remote, your a grownup. and as for not cooking your meals......

If you retaliate by doing nothing for him then it’s just going to escalate to the point of no return. But he cannot treat you like this, so you need to have a serious discussion with him to resolve this.

If he won’t talk and carries on being so petty then LTB. I rarely say that but he is being pathetic.

TacoLover · 22/02/2019 19:12

TacoLover - Cinema ticket had not already been bought and they were going to Nandos afterwards, so I don't think £10 would have been enough.

Ah, that makes sense then.

DS still has £300 of birthday and Christmas money, so I wouldn't dream of giving him all of that in one go.

How old is he?

TheInvestigator · 22/02/2019 19:13

This is a bigger problem than the money. He's treating you're like his employee or are second class to him.

Cinema tickets are between £5 and £8 and a nandos is minimum of £10 unless you just get chicken wings and water or something tiny like that. £10 was not enough. And it's his bloody money; you shouldn't have it at all. He should have it and he can decide for himself.

I'd be reading my husband the riot act and telling him to go and stay elsewhere until he is ready to apologise. The way he treats you... it would be a relationship ender for me.

Your poor son though, if this is the dad he has.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 22/02/2019 19:13

*you’re a grownup

hazell42 · 22/02/2019 19:14

I hated confrontation and was always the first to try to make up. My exh took advantage of that and dragged his sulks out forever and never apologised.
I had to dump him in the end because that resentment just festers. 10 years on it still annoys me.
Do not blink first.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/02/2019 19:15

For people saying he is treating you like a child, I hope there aren't many parents who would refuse to cook a child a meal, when cooking for everyone else.

And what example is he giving to your children?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 22/02/2019 19:15

I don't think you can get food and a drink in Nando's for £10 never mind a cinema ticket on top! Did you look up the prices and show him that it wasn't enough?

Leeds2 · 22/02/2019 19:15

What a dreadful sounding man child.

I hope you have stopped doing things for him too, like ironing, lifts to the station etc. After all, it surely works both ways.

I hope he apologises soon. It must be a horrible atmosphere for both you and DS. And, fwiw, £20 would be the right amount for a proposed trip to the cinema and meal at Nando's. £10 wouldn't cover both.

Whisky2014 · 22/02/2019 19:16

Why would you have to sit in silence because he leaves the room? Honestly, I'd go ballistic at this. There's no way Id let my husband control me like this.
And id have gone to the tv and switched it on from there. What an utter arsehole. Im angry on your behalf!

WheelyCote · 22/02/2019 19:18

OP dont you speak to that manchild. In fact walk around with a skip in your step.

Leave him to wallow.

Keep yourself busy, put headphones on with music....sing...with a smile....sort the cupboards and draws...dance about.

Itll get rid of some of the angst and tension in your body, youll feel good because youve had a good sort out and itll probsbly annoy the shit out of him.

Now if he approaches you like a grown up and wishes to talk...thats a different thing.

Karigan195 · 22/02/2019 19:18

Wow 1) you can’t get food and ticket for £10 at the cinema round here. Ticket alone is about £9 something. 2) exactly who does he think is the child telling you to leave the room. Fuck that.

I would however be breaking the silence with something like ‘you talk to me like that again we’re done’.

hazell42 · 22/02/2019 19:19

People should stop talking about the price of cinema tickets. Who cares. He ordered her out if the room and switched the TV off as a punishment

Massively controlling prick

HettieBettie · 22/02/2019 19:19

Are you ok Op?

Yanbu at all! Hope your husband grows up!

Seaweed42 · 22/02/2019 19:20

What did you say when you didn't get a dinner?
Did your children see your husband humiliate you in such a way in front of them.
It's called The Silent Treatment. He's Punishing you.
Only you know if that's something you can allow to happen to you.
It can't be the first time this has happened.
He's a bully.
If you are ever in any doubt of how you are being treated, call to mind someone you know who loves you and doesn't judge you. Picture them sitting in the same room just watching, and ask yourself what would they think of the scene before them.

tensmum1964 · 22/02/2019 19:20

The very fact that it seems normal for him to tell you to leave the room is quite scarey and actually says quite a lot about how dysfunctional and abusive your relationship is. This sort of behaviour doesnt just spring from nowhere and happen overnight. The man is a complete arsehole and obviously has been throughout your relationship. This isn't about cinema tickets and meals. Its far more than that. Get rid of him he's a creep and a complete idiot.

Meandmetoo · 22/02/2019 19:21

I'd give DS £30 after that.

Mumsymumphy · 22/02/2019 19:21

He's not being childish, he's being a twat.

Is this reaction out of the blue or has this sort of thing happened before?

It'd be a deal-breaker for me & he'd be out on his arse.

shiningstar2 · 22/02/2019 19:24

Not the main point I know but no way could you go to the cinema and on to Nando's with £10. Has he looked at Nando's menu before going off on one. If DS had £20 by the time he chose a main and a drink after cinema there would be very little left. The £20 is teaching him the value of money because he certainly wouldn't have been able to choose anything he fancied on that where as some of his friends would have been able to. I think £20 and having a limited choice is still teaching him about managing his money. Even more so if it's his birthday money. I think you need to remind your husband gently of what its like to be a teenager/youngster. Bad enough being the one who can't do what his friends are doing if the family just doesn't have the money but when he does have it? Own money? Presumably a half term hang out with his friends? Good for you sticking up for your son. If you were broke I would have compromised at £15 ...but when his own birthday money is there ...I wouldn't be leaving my son embarrassed and struggling to join in with his friends.

On the other point ...He wants to send you out of the room because you didn't agree with him on a fairly minor decision about your son? Serious issues there op. Think you need to consider how often this type of thing happens in your relationship. If it's not a one off I would be considering how to change this dynamic asap. Good luck.

heymammy · 22/02/2019 19:24

Screenshot attached of ticket prices at my local Odeon, as an example that cinema tickets are absolutely not £4/£5!

Over a tenner just for the cinema and food on top would be £20+ here so yes your dh is being a dick, a controlling one at that, no i wouldn't make peace on this occasion or share a bed with him if at all possible.

What a cunt.

To not give in and speak to DH first