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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
MadAboutWands · 22/02/2019 20:23

Sky nope.
I wouod have had no issue at all. It’s his money afterall. And as repeatedly mentioned even £20 would have tight.

MadAboutWands · 22/02/2019 20:26

I agree neither of us should have upsired the other over the issue of the money, and we could have compromised and said £15

I disagree with that actually because it paint the OP as been as responsible as the H aboutbthe situation.
£10 was bloody tight and wouod have ledtthe lurch wo enough money for Nando’s afterwards. Talk about putting your child in a deliberately awkward position just because you want to be right!
Right from the start the issue with the H wasn’t about the money but about his need to be right and have the upper hand. Telling him that the OP was wrong too wouldn’t help whatsoever ever.

HalfBearOtherHalfCat · 22/02/2019 20:32

He sounds absolutely horrible. I don't think I'd ever bother to speak to him again if he thinks that is a reasonable way to behave.

mummmy2017 · 22/02/2019 20:34

It takes two to have an arguement.
I 100% agree he is in the wrong.
But I do think the OP needs to take control of his sulking, and sometimes that means finding a way forward.
The more days this carries on the worse it will be too sort.

ChakiraChakra · 22/02/2019 20:55

I'd be tempted to cut the tv cable so that he can't watch it when he comes back either

Gth1234 · 22/02/2019 20:56

£10 isn't enough to go to the pictures and get food, is it?

pointythings · 22/02/2019 20:57

But I do think the OP needs to take control of his sulking, and sometimes that means finding a way forward.

No, the OP is not responsible for his sulking. Her H needs to take control of his sulking by not being a tight-arsed unreasonable loser. And by apologising wholeheartedly to the OP and her DS for his fuckery. And by never, ever behaving in this way again. This is 100% on him. The way forward is for him to admit he was wrong, and change.

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2019 21:14

Erm, why didn't you just go and get the remote back?

Hotterthanahotthing · 22/02/2019 21:15

For your son I would set up a bank account with a debit card.
You husband however...is this reaction because you stood up for yourself instead of giving in as usual.I get the impression he is punishing you to put you back in your place.Ive been there and carried on (my exh also did the not cooking for me and making sure that there was nothing Inthe fridge I could make a meal from.
Note the ex.

Ringdonna · 22/02/2019 21:34

You are both acting like children.

Notonthestairs · 22/02/2019 21:51

It's just horrible growing up in a household where your parents don't speak.

He's a giant arse though. I don't know what you do with that.

TheLastNigel · 22/02/2019 21:55

He's a dollshead. Petty to take away the remote.
And also wrong. Where we live the pictures is £9.45 each. So DS would have needed more than a tenner for ticket olus snacks...

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2019 21:59

What a bell end.

Ordering you out of the room... wtaf?

ChasedByBees · 22/02/2019 21:59

If I were in your position, I would have spoken with him first to say that if he continues in this way, your marriage will be over. Who does he think he is?

Aldilogue · 22/02/2019 21:59

There has to be a back story here. That’s not a normal reaction. I hope your son didn’t witness this.

OffToBedhampton · 22/02/2019 23:15

Does your H do this a lot OP? Because to go to removing remote and all those other things, he sounds abusive.

I'm just pre warning you as my XH did this kind of thing, when I said No to him. And he escalated.

Blackbear10 · 22/02/2019 23:22

Honestly it sounds like you need to woman up a bit.

If he wants to not sit in the same room he can leave, if he takes the remote then just take it back or pick up a book, just give DC the money and when he has left tell your husband you will not have him undermining you again and as you had made the decision first it was disrespectful for him to contradict you and don't enter into any discussion about it.

I really think you need to stop allowing him to put you into situations where he can control you.
No is a complete sentence with people like your husband. No I don’t want to, no I’m not going to do that etc and don’t cook again for him if he won’t cook for you etc etc.
You really need to show you will not be walked over, people treat us the way we allow them to treat us.

Lovingbenidorm · 22/02/2019 23:32

Clearly your problem is not “how much does the cinema and a Nando’s cost”
I must admit your whole argument sounds very childish (and pointless)
But......
If my husband demanded I leave the room, then flounced off with the remote having turned the tv off he would have found himself in A&E having said remote surgically removed from his arse
I’m being slightly light hearted but really!

blackteasplease · 22/02/2019 23:33

If your son is old enough to go to the cinema alone, I would think he can be allowed go look after his own money. I wouldn't dream of keeping my dds birthfay money away from her, it's hers not mine, and she's 10. Not that she ever spends it!

I would tell him not to take more than say £30 out to the cinema but if he ignored that it would be his problem..

Eeeking out the money like that teaches him nothing at all about managing money.

More importantly your H sounds horribly controlling. Silent treatment and punishments, good grief. Who does he think he is?

Pumpkintopf · 22/02/2019 23:57

Your husband was unacceptably controlling and behaving like a sulky child.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/02/2019 02:10

You do not learn to manage money by being given insufficient cash to do the thing you want to do.

You learn your Dad is a prick though.

And that is the issue here really... I hope you took yourself out for dinner!

OffToBedhampton · 23/02/2019 02:32

OP, when you get a chance tomorrow, let us know if H apologised. Because he behaved outrageously. Forget about the DS cinema money bit- he was wrong you were right, least if your worries - what has more concerned all of us is how your H behaved afterwards towards you. You do not deserve that ever, nobody does.

💐💐💐

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/02/2019 02:39

He sounds utterly vile! Is he always this much of a complete prick?

AcaiSmoothie · 23/02/2019 02:42

How old is your DS? I think it should be up to him how much of his own money he spends on an outing - provided the amount is reasonable and he didn't want to take £100 when it's clearly not necessary.

Your DH sounds like a petulant child. In your shoes I'd stick to my guns and give DS £20 and carry on as if nothing was bothering me until DH apologised/stopped being a twat about it.

everydaymum · 23/02/2019 02:46

What a wanker.
Firstly, as you rightly pointed out, you spoke first so you weren't undermining him. You couldn't have as he hadn't spoken yet.
Secondly, if he had an issue being in the same room as you (being the complete imbecile that he is), he should have left, not ordered you out.
I hope this isn't indicative of his usual behaviour. It's not normal and isn't something you should have to tolerate.