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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 25/02/2019 14:32

OP do you REALLY want to be with someone who treats you like this? It isn't normal. He wants to treat you badly and not acknowledge any fault on his part. What an arrogant, controlling loser.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 25/02/2019 15:19

Hi OP. I hope you and your son are ok. Sending Flowers, and hoping your husband comes to his senses and brings you home real ones and grovels for being such a loser.

oldowlgirl · 25/02/2019 17:41

Great post by @Ce7913 - good luck Op.

SaturdayNext · 25/02/2019 17:55

He said it was a row and people have rows and I should just get over it and put it in the past!!

That actually sounds like someone who 100% knows he is in the wrong but can't admit it, and therefore wants OP to pretend none of it ever happened.

It might just be that counselling would get it through his head that his position is 100% untenable and he needs to grow up in a big way, but I wouldn't be too optimistic.

AppleKatie · 25/02/2019 18:16

He doesn’t want to apologise just because you want him too?

TbH I wouldn’t want an apology on those terms. Either he apologises because he’s sorry or don’t bother (and leave).

Pumpkintopf · 25/02/2019 19:42

Powerful post CE.

NitrousOxide · 25/02/2019 20:32

He said it was a row and people have rows and I should just get over it and put it in the past!!

Well if that’s the case he should take his own advice and not sulk for days like a fucking child.

Flowers for you, OP. CE’s post is excellent.

Yabbers · 25/02/2019 20:42

Leave. Now.

NCforthis2019 · 25/02/2019 21:26

You won’t leave him will you OP? What will happen is you’ll gloss over and move on. I hope you won’t but I fear you will do good luck, I hope one day, if it’s nit too late, you’ll leave him, if not for you, for you children. You don’t want your children learning this behaviour.

BlueSuffragette · 25/02/2019 22:09

He sounds like he wants to control you. It's about power and him being the boss. He has little or no respect for you and does not see you as his equal. Do yourself a big favour and value your own self worth. Dump him and enjoy the rest of your life.

Pumpkintopf · 26/02/2019 11:16

How are you op?

NorthEndGal · 26/02/2019 11:24

I'd say to him that recent actions are making you question the viability of your marriage.
I'd tell him it's councilor or therapist time.
If he refuses, he has made it clear he isn't willing to meet your efforts.

headinhands · 26/02/2019 11:29

There has to be more instances of this sort of abuse?

RoastOx · 26/02/2019 14:10

OP, please read @Ce7913 posts. A lot of good insight there.

billybagpuss · 26/02/2019 14:44

Wow, have only just stumbled across this thread. Sending you 💐 and hope you’re able to see a way through this soon.

So lack of apology aside is he still behaving like a dick or is he at least talking civilly to you.

Motoko · 26/02/2019 17:06

@OTRDN how are things?

BlueSuffragette · 26/02/2019 19:18

How is it going OK? Hope you are ok. Flowers

Original poster
OTRDN · 27/02/2019 23:34

Thank you for asking after me, no apology from him but he is going out of his way to be nice ... I have explained in no uncertain terms that he crossed a line and that I considered leaving or asking him to leave!! - Also told him that another outburst will be one too many - he has done some reading on narcissistic behaviour and recognises some of the traits ... I am having an operation tomorrow so we will see how things go

OP posts:
oldowlgirl · 27/02/2019 23:44

Good luck Op.

LimeKiwi · 27/02/2019 23:49

TacoLover - Cinema ticket had not already been bought and they were going to Nandos afterwards, so I don't think £10 would have been enough.

Not tacolover, obviously but just replying to this bit- if he hasn't already paid for the cinema ticket, how the bloody hell would ten pounds be enough?
He wouldn't even get his cinema ticket here for that and we're just run of your mill bog standard average Yorkshire prices, not London or anything!
They're about 11 quid a ticket at our local.

LimeKiwi · 27/02/2019 23:50

Oh, and forgot to say - your DH is acting like a twat to put it politely

Weenurse · 28/02/2019 04:00

Good luck 💐

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2019 04:20

The ball was never in his court. By waiting around for him to be different you’ve successfully guaranteed he doesn’t have to be.

Thank god your kids weren’t there to witness this. What relationship role model are you setting your boys in putting up with this shit? Your H is a damaged mind and you can’t help him by making yourself available to be his emotional punching bag.

The ball is in your court not his and empty promises of leaving, only further weaken your position.

Happynow001 · 28/02/2019 05:26

Good luck with the operation and recovery. 💐

billybagpuss · 28/02/2019 06:50

Good luck tomorrow Flowers