To not give in and speak to DH first

[OTRDN]

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

Well, he won't be able to keep up the nice act, so are you really going to leave him when he slips back to his old ways?

Anyway, I understand you've got more pressing matters at the moment, but after your op, you need to start making plans to leave.

I hope the op goes well, and wish you a speedy recovery. At least while he's playing Mr Nice, he'll hopefully look after you, but don't let it sway your decision making.

How on earth does anyone get a cinema ticket and Nando's for a tenner? Or even £20?!

A Nando's main and a side and a drink are £12 minimum.

Has he apologised to your son yet?

Did you get a print out of the cost of a cinema ticket and the cost of his nandos meal to show him £10 is not enough.

Your son has £300. He can afford a trip out with his friends. His dad stopped him and he was completely wrong. Has he apologised to the boy for That?

Oh OP

I'm not normally one to agree with LTB comments on Mumsnet without knowing the relationship but he sounds like a bully. Your updates make it very clear that the only reason you were ever ok was because you fell in line in the past.

I'm very concerned for you because I've known bullies before, you either spend your whole life following orders or you stand up for yourself and it escalates to physical abuse eventually. He has the mindset of an abuser - he's done nothing wrong in his mind because you are the problem, you caused it. That's how abusers think, they convince themselves that they are in the right and they aren't an abuser, it's their partner that's in the wrong.

It may be possible to fix this if he gets help and accepts that what he is doing is wrong. If he won't do this you need to get out because both of the roads this can go down are equally dreadful for you and your children.

I hope things work out for you and I hope you stay safe xx

OP please LTB. You deserve better and so does your son. Don't make him grow up learning from this man. He is toxic.

((((((Big Hugs)))) Hope the OP is over and done with and You are on your way to recovery.

Time will tell with him. He's on 'Notice' now

@OTRDN

Hope you have recovered from your operation.