To not give in and speak to DH first

[OTRDN]

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

Honestly I’d be phoning a lawyer tomorrow and getting my ducks in a row. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone like this? And your poor DS! Do you think he doesn’t realise his trip out is at the root of all this?

I really think you need to speak to a solicitor.

Definitely not dramatic. I think Bedhampton is missing the point. There is far more to this behaviour than simply turning the TV off. You don't have to be punched and kicked in order to be being abused. I think this is the problem with some women, Ive lost count of the amount of times Ive heard women say, " he,s never actually hit me". I think (and Im sorry op) that the op has very little insight in to how controlling and manipulative her partner actually is. Her posts read like she has normalised his behaviour and has been living in an abusive relationship for a long time. His instruction to her to leave the room gave me chills. That was a huge red flag to who this man is and how controlling he is.

How could you possibly be in the wrong? You agreed a sensible amount of money with your son, your husband was the one who tried to undermine you. Deciding to have a four day tantrum because you wouldn't agree he was right when he manifestly wasn't was utterly ridiculous behaviour on his part.

We have spoken and he said that I ordered him out of the room (I didn’t, when he told me to leave because he didn’t want to look at my face, I just said if he was the one who didn’t want to look at my face the. He should leave) And because I apparently ordered him out of the room he turned off the TV and took the remote ... he has admitted it was childish but said he won’t apologise just because that is what I expect. He said it was a row and people have rows and I should just get over it and put it in the past!! ... I told him that when people argue, normally they talk about it, realise their wrong doing in the argument and apologise for their part in it (both people if necessary) and then they can move on but he said he will not say sorry just because I want him to ... I don’t particularly want him to say sorry, just realise that what he did was wrong

He's not going to "get it" because he doesn't wan to.

He wants you to prostrate yourself at his feet begging his forgiveness!

But he's starting to worry you're not going to, he's painted himself into a corner and he's flailing about trying to still be the one in control but also scared you'll tell him to get tae fuck!!

Personally I'd have bounced him on day 2 it's outrageous behaviour that I simply wouldn't tolerate

Has he explained why he cooked everyone a meal apart from you?

Where I live a cinema ticket for an under-16 costs at least £7.50, usually more. I don't think Nando's sells anything for £2.50. Where do you live? 1999?

He won't get it. People like him are incapable of getting it. They do not take criticism and won't apologise because they honestly believe they do no wrong. Do yourself and your DCs a favour and get out. It's not a healthy relationship to be in and not a good example for kids.

The only time he will apologise, is if he thinks he's lost control of you. If you tell him it's over, he'll try to promise he'll change, he'll apologise and say he was being a dick, he'll be on his nicest behaviour, until he thinks you've softened and agree to stay together.

Then the abuse will creep back.

Google The Cycle of Abuse. You need to leave him. That's the only sane thing to do.

1. So he's a liar and gaslighter, too. Shocker.

1. Same DARVO manipulation and gaslighting:

A.

• You say $20
• He undermines you and says $10
• He says you undermined him (even though you spoke first)

B.

• He is so furious that he attempts to 'lay down the law' and banish you from the living room because he "can't look at your face"
• You rightly refuse such his shockingly disrespectful command and say he's welcome to leave if your face is so offensive to his sensibilities
• He is so incensed at your 'insubordination' that he confiscates the fucking television and remote to punish you
• Five days later he's saying you kicked him out of the room; he was the victim

1. Note his breathtakingly hypocritical double standards?

A.
For the 'high crime' of your saying "$20" before he says "$10", he feels entitled to:

• Banish you from common areas
• Insult you
• Confiscate things to punish you like you're a child or subordinate
• Exclude you from family dinner
• Emotionally abuse you with the silent treatment for five days
• Try to banish you from your own house for visitors
• Expect an apology from you

B.
For the actual offense of him actually doing all of ^ those things to you, his response is:

"...it was a row and people have rows and I should just get over it and put it in the past..."

Unfuckingbelievable.

...Reminds me of "A Narcissist's Prayer":

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.

1. OTRDN, please know that I mean the following kindly.

You're taking steps, but it's pretty clear that you're still in the fog and not yet able to clearly see this man for the abusive, self-serving manipulator that he is.

Please consider therapy to help you find your self-worth.

It is depressingly telling that after days of his appalling mistreatment of you, you say:

"I don’t particularly want him to say sorry..."

It says a lot about your self-respect and about the kind of treatment you expect from a life partner. As does the fact that you have continually knuckled under and apologised when he's abused you like this in the past.

He's grinding you down, honey.

And your son is along for the ride.

Absorbing thousands of tiny implicit lessons. Lessons that no amount of, "Do as I say, not as I do" on your part can ever override. Lessons about what 'love' is. What partnership looks like. What a good man looks like. Who deserves respect. Whose feelings and needs matter. What a woman's role is. What boundaries are healthy and what treatment is intolerable from a partner.

You both deserve better.

Good post CE7913

The poster above has made an excellent summary and descripti9j of your life. Please listen.

Children who grow up in houses like that often end up doing the same thing. This is what your son will think a relationship is. And this is how he will treat women...

For him, and for you, you need to leave him.

Go and see a solicitor today and at least find out your options. You don't need to do anything straight away, just find out what could happen and how you start it all. If you do go through with it, then have someone else there with you when you tell him to leave (and pack his stuff beforehand).

If he won't leave, then you need too. Call women's aid or go to the council and tell them you're fleeing an abusive home. They have an obligation to house you under those circumstances so you and your son will not be homeless and you can start getting yourself onto your own feet.

And he is never, ever going to understand or admit that he's done anything wrong. He might start saying all the right things when he believes you are serious, but he wont meant them and he wont change. You'll be banging your head against a wall trying to make him. Counselling does not work and is not advised for abusive relationships so don't waste time and money on that. He will get his way if you give him an inch.

Great post by ce
Another pp had it right when they said he's worried that he's losing control of you.

I rarely say this but LTB he is abusive

That’s just gaslighting bollocks op and I think you know that x

Oh op he's twisting himself into a pretzel to try and justify his behaviour, and mind fucking you in the process.

Please read and reread from CE. Screenshot it and keep it forever. So in the future when he tries to manipulate you into believing that something completely different happened to spark your "row" you can read back in black and white just how terrible his behaviour really was over something so ridiculously trivial. He is a nasty abuser.

When I was 18/19 I lived with a guy who did the not talking thing. His commitment to it was impressive. He wouldn’t say a word to me for days. If I tried to talk to him he’d turn up the TV; he’d make his own dinner and snacks; he still expected to get run to work as it saved him money though (he was in debt and my being there paid half the mortgage and bills). After a year of this I told my dad and he came and packed my bag and took me home.

I remember some years late a TV advert that showed different forms of DA to make the point that it isn’t just shouting and violence. I was initially very distraught to realise I had been abused and I never thought it would happen to me. Don’t accept the silent treatment as ‘normal’ it’s far from it and definitely abusive.

He is an abusive cunt who won 't change.

For love of god save yourself from posting repeated versions of this for years to come and ending up an emotional wreck who is too deeply hooked in to leave.

Go and see a solicitor and find out what your options and rights are. And PLEASE PLEASE make sure YOU and only you have access to a sum of money.

One word for you OP

SOLICITORS

I think what you are not realising is that he ALREADY does know how it makes you feel, and he is doing it deliberately. My ExH (all abusive husbands) was exactly the same.

He is trying to browbeat you into apologising to him! And if that doesn't work he will twist what happened so much you begin to doubt yourself. He will minimise it so that you really believe are making a great big fuss about nothing.

This really is psychological abuse, and he KNOWS that he is doing it, and he is ENJOYING doing it. It took me years of misery to realise what my husband was doing and end it.

That frustration that you are feeling right now, that horrible hollow pit in your stomach, is only going to get worse. Please don't give in for an easy life. I never liked rows, so I always offered him cups of tea he wouldn't drink, cooked meals I knew he would refuse to eat, and tried to reason with him, and all the while he took a savage kind of enjoyment in knowing that it was tying my stomach in knots living with someone who was giving me the silent treatment.

I vividly remember climbing into my car, driving round the corner, gripping the steering wheel as hard as I could and screaming 'I hate you!' at the top of my voice. No one who claims to love you should make you feel like that.

Its awful. Don't put up with it anymore

Everything CE said. He has just glossed over his frankly abusive behaviour, and I don’t use abusive lightly. There are lots of reasons to leave people which don’t mean that the people themselves are bad - incompatible, not happy, different dreams of future, but you should always leave someone abusive.

He doesn’t think that what he’s done is wrong. He thinks you’re in the wrong for daring to disagree with him.