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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 24/02/2019 12:40

What do you think a GP or counsellor is going to do to change his behaviour?!

mummmy2017 · 24/02/2019 12:40

Well him, no I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am not the one sulking...

justthecat · 24/02/2019 12:41

Tell him you’re not going to be going out as you need to let his mum know what kind of dick she’s raised

Lordamighty · 24/02/2019 12:49

I don’t know why you feel the need to put it right. Your husband is a childish fool who has tried to exert his pathetic control over your DS & then you.
Do nothing, leave him sleeping on the sofa, don’t go out while his DM visits, leave him to stew in the ridiculous, toxic stew of his own making.

beeyourself · 24/02/2019 12:51

Don't you go anywhere! His mum needs to see what an arse he is being and you can tell him that if he's not prepared to sort this out with you he might as well go home with her.

longtimelurkerhelen · 24/02/2019 13:21

So now you need to go out to suit him?

Seriously, what is in this "Marriage" for you?

It is time to stand up for yourself and your son. You don't have to live like this anymore.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 24/02/2019 13:34

OP, it is absolutely unacceptable for you to be treated like this in your own home. Please leave this man. He is abusive and won't change. He's bullying you. Take your children and go to your parents. Issue him with an ultimatum. He agrees to talk openly and apologise for his behaviour and you need to see change or it's over.

timeisnotaline · 24/02/2019 13:40

I hope you aren’t going out. Tell your dh that this is your home and you will be staying in it. You look forward to explaining what’s going on to his mum (I bet he will meet her elsewhere).

I would do a set of lines- and every time you say morning or here’s a cup of tea you could add ‘the single life is looking more attractive every second longer that you behave like a two year old’ ‘as you drink it (or not) please understand that I love you less each passing minute
And finally ‘this relationship is over for me. I can’t love you anymore, and you need to leave.
I suggest getting to finally by tomorrow evening latest but preferably tonight.

Can someone come help you pack up his things? Perhaps he can go back with his mum? Packing his things always seems like a nice clear message.

ilikemethewayiam · 24/02/2019 13:46

So what was your response To his question of are you going out OP?

Fairenuff · 24/02/2019 13:49

Why would you go out because his mum is coming over?

LakieLady · 24/02/2019 13:54

He's an abusive fuckwit, OP, and I fear he won't get any better. In fact, he seems to be getting worse.

I'd be telling him to leave, and that he can start getting used to the idea by meeting his mother outside the family home.

Imo it's ducks in a row time. You can't bring your children up in this toxic atmosphere, it's not fair on them.

newmun · 24/02/2019 14:05

I hope your ok OP! And i hope he starts talking soon!

Flowers
crunchie12 · 24/02/2019 14:12

Tell his mother what an utter prick your H is. He sounds manipulative and controlling. What an utter , utter pig. I'd have slung mine out if he did this to me.

ilikemethewayiam · 24/02/2019 14:39

He is not going to back down now OP! This about power and control. In his mind he will lose face. This will escalate and only get worse. He has gone from the original incident to now asking you to leave your own house. He has made it very clear what he thinks of you OP. He does NOT respect you at all. his behaviour is showing you what utter contempt he has for you. I cannot see any way back from this.

MadAboutWands · 24/02/2019 15:09

I hope you haven’t gone out as he ordered you.
Both because it was an order.
And because he knows he can’t keep up his not talking to you in front of his mum. Not without having to explain WHY and to do it in front of you (where you can defend yourself too and he won’t be able to shout at you and have a temper tantrum. Or rather not wo loosing his image of the reasonable man and you being the unreasonable one)

Graphista · 24/02/2019 15:18

Wtf WHY are you tolerating this? Who the FUCK does he think he is telling you to leave your home to suit his pathetic ego?

Like fuck would I be leaving in that situation - you do know the reason he wants you to leave is so his mum doesn't know what a twat he's being yes?

What is she like? Do you get on with her? I got on great with ex-mil and if while married I'd told her he was behaving like this she'd have come down on him like a ton of bricks!

Call his mother and tell her it's not a good day to come over because HE is acting like a petulant 3 year old and tell her EXACTLY What he is doing

Then (providing you are physically safe to do so) say to him "grow the fuck up and cut this out NOW or get out!" And mean it!

Although to be perfectly honest I too would be packing his bags right now.

If you are NOT physically safe to do so u call the police and get them to deal with his sorry arse.

Is he ds's bio dad? Do you rent/own and in who's name is the property?

STOP acting and thinking guilty YOU have done nothing wrong and he has behaved utterly appallingly!!!

Graphista · 24/02/2019 15:22

You know what? I actually remember a time quite early on in our marriage when he did try sulking, his mum phoned mid sulk and I answered and said something like "well I'll tell him you're on the phone but he's currently pretending I don't exist so depends if he hears me or not" he leapt onto the phone and started frantically trying to defend/excuse himself while she basically went through him like a dose of salts. He came off the phone sheepishly apologetic and muttered something about "mum says I've to grow up and not act like a toddler being sent to bed without dinner" Grin

I bloody loved that woman!

Whisky2014 · 24/02/2019 15:23

What the fuck are.you doing, op?

I don't see how this can end well. Tell him it's over.

Original poster
OTRDN · 24/02/2019 15:25

I didn’t go out and his mum has been and gone, I told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and he said he was waiting for me to apologise because I went mental at him!! I told him that was because I was so upset that he told me to leave the room and then Turned the TV off and took the remote and refused to give it back but in his mind I am in the wrong. I said that if he couldn’t see that his behaviour was controlling and out of order and that he really hurt my feelings and furthermore if he didn’t feel that he was in the wrong maybe he should leave but he has told me that it is his house as well and he won’t be going anywhere ... now he is saying that I am throwing him out!! I didn’t say that, I will keep you updated

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 24/02/2019 15:27

He's treating you like shit. Do you actually want to be with him?

TheInvestigator · 24/02/2019 15:30

I'd be telling him that we could sort out whose house it will be in court... but I've been there and done that. There's only so much you can take, and it sounds like you've taken it for as long as you can.

Is your life only happy and quiet as long as you keep your mouth shut and agree with/capitulate to him? If yes, then it's time to have a think about what the rest of your life will be like.

Helpmytrousershavesplit · 24/02/2019 15:30

Good lord what a drama queen man child he is. Poor you OP he sounds exhausting. You haven't done anything wrong so he'll be waiting a loooong time for an apology. I personally wouldn't move out as that could place you at a disadvantage if the big D rears it's head - you need to stay firmly in the marital home. I'd bloody ignore him and carry on around him. He shouldn't ever be rewarded for this shitty behaviour and him waiting for an apology!!! The fucking cheek...

LucyAutumn · 24/02/2019 15:43

Wow, he's completely in the wrong in th3 first place, treating and trying to discipline you as though you were a naughty child. Do not back down OP. I'm finding his controlling attitude and refusal to back down quite shocking.

longtimelurkerhelen · 24/02/2019 16:02

So he wants an apology for your justifiable reaction to his unacceptable controlling behavior. Where is his apology for treating you with contempt?

It would be a cold day in hell before I would apologise.

Mumsymumphy · 24/02/2019 16:31

What an absolute prick he is. You may not have said you're throwing him out but I'd now say "Y'know what, I didn't say I was throwing you out, I suggested you leave. But now I AM throwing you out for being a toxic, manipulative prick, who's behaviour is damaging. Pack some things and go now." Then get the locks changed and arrange for someone to be there when he comes for the rest of his stuff.

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