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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
Sewrainbow · 23/02/2019 17:52

I wouldn't give in to this behaviour. He needs to learn that it is not acceptable. If he continues to ignore you then I'd seriously reconsider the relationship...

mummmy2017 · 23/02/2019 18:08
Watch this gives great insight into his thinking.
rosiejaune · 23/02/2019 18:46

Counselling is not suitable for abusive relationships.

MadAboutWands · 23/02/2019 18:58

I agree,
His behaviour is fully abusive and counselling might well make things worse for you, aka you will end up being the baddy because you dint speak to him, let him have a strop or whatever.

I wouod advise counselling for yourself because this will help you see patterns and establish a way to answer to him that is working FOR YOU (rather than for him ie pndeorng tinhim and giving in). It will also help you establish what you are happy to accept to ‘keep the peace’ and what you are not. Not accepting his behaviour about taking the remote control etc... is certainly an ok boundary to have!!

lerrimknowyouretheyir · 23/02/2019 19:25

This isn’t normal behaviour, I hope you recognise this. You shouldn’t back down as such but I would try to talk to him about it. If my husband behaved this way I’m not sure we’d be married for much longer.
Aside from anything else, he was totally in the wrong in the first argument, £10 v £20

IHeartMarmiteToast · 23/02/2019 20:27

If he's not speaking to you still can You write this all down? Say y oi can disagree with any thing but you should not and will not behave like that or treat me like that....

ionlylovemybedandmymama · 24/02/2019 00:08

Your relationship is already destroyed. He's not speaking to you and tries to control you. It isn't a one off. This is him. What more is there?

Weenurse · 24/02/2019 00:16

DH tried this a few times, his Dad used to do this to his Mum so learned behaviour.
I just call him on it, tell him to stop behaving like a toddler and l will not accept it.
I then just continue to interact with him normally and ignore the silence.
Once he sees that the silence is having no impact on me, he stops, and often feel embarrassed by his behaviour.

TheoriginalLEM · 24/02/2019 00:21

He told you to leave the room. When you (rightly) refused he took the remote and said you were to sit in silence!

FUCK THAT!

he needs to fuck off.

Ribbonsonabox · 24/02/2019 00:23

My God he sounds totally unhinged..... sleeping on the sofa and not speaking to you... telling you you had to sit in silence or leave the room wtaf?!? Why are you staying with this man? What an utter nob!!
If this is not the first time hes behaved like this I'd seriously think about getting your finances in order to split. Hes trying to get you to tow the line. He clearly doesn't care whether hes right or wrong and wants to be able to say and do whatever he pleases with no reaction.

SheSellSeaShells · 24/02/2019 10:54

why the hell with man child? leave him - give him the silence he deserves

SheSellSeaShells · 24/02/2019 10:54

are you with*

cstaff · 24/02/2019 11:12

Just wondering if there has been any progress OP. Hopefully he has copped on and apologised for his childish behaviour.

Jezebel101 · 24/02/2019 11:28

If his method of conflict resolution is to belittle, demean, bully and withdraw until you toe the line, it must be a life of walking on eggshells if he gets worked up irrationally over things similar to those described in the OP.

What a difficult life it must be living with someone so controlling and petty. What an awful example of partnership for the OP's kids to witness. What a terrible example for any daughters, to think this is a normal way for a husband to treat his wife.

Imagine how much easier life would be without waiting for a bully to explode and brow beat you, OP. Compare that to living the rest of your life under his regime.

I know what I'd do.

lifebegins50 · 24/02/2019 11:42

This was my life however I know how it creeps up on you until you have a incident like you describe where you know without doubt he is being completely unreasonable. Ex would argue over minor issues not because it was important to him but to prove who was dominate.

Stonewalling is his attempt to punish you and to fail to give you dinner is signalling to your son that mum needs to be punished.

It is about his sense of entitlement and he feels superior and therefore you cannot argue with him..his word is final. It never started like this, he he appeared the opposite of how he ended up so I know how you get to this situation.
He did counselling and it made it worse as it victimised him..generally counsellors hear one side of the story so he would relay the cinema incident to make you out to be controlling. Counsellor are often very unaware of personality disorders and anyway do not respond to therapy or medication.

I fear you have only 2 choice, tolerate his behaviour or leave.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/02/2019 11:47

What happened last night OP? Did you manage to have a conversation about his ridiculous controlling behaviour?

Original poster
OTRDN · 24/02/2019 12:22

Last night there was no improvement - he still hasn’t spoke to me and he spent another night on the sofa. I hate this, but I am not sure how to put it right ... His Mum is coming to visit today and as I am typing this, he just said to me are you going to go out because my Mum is coming over

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 24/02/2019 12:25

I think you need to be packing you and kids up and go to your mums!!!

dragonsfire · 24/02/2019 12:27

Or when she arrives say I need to leave as your son is in a strop about giving our son some of his money- hopefully when he explains his mum will see is as just as rediculous 🙄

You really need to say to him when is this going to end? Is this us split up? If so then here’s your suitcase!

smartiecake · 24/02/2019 12:28

Stay and tell your MIL you have had a row and are not speaking. He sounds like a twat

DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/02/2019 12:31

I would go out. I'd go out having packed a suitcase and join the DC at your Mum's. And then I'd return tomorrow after hiring a divorce lawyer.

Queenie8 · 24/02/2019 12:31

I think you have a few options

  1. Tell your DH to cancel his mother's visit and you have a frank and full discussion about your future
  1. Your DH packs a bag and goes to his mother's
  1. You pack a bag and go to your parents

With options 2 & 3, you will still need to have a discussion at some point, and potentially solicitors involvement afterwards.

Remember you are worth more than this treatment of you. It is an awful example to be setting your children.

oldowlgirl · 24/02/2019 12:35

He's abusive Op. So sorry Thanks

melj1213 · 24/02/2019 12:37

I hate this, but I am not sure how to put it right ...

You dont have to make it right, you need to resolve it.

I would be making him talk - "This cannot continue so we either need to discuss it like adults and put it behind us or I accept that nothing is going to change, in which case this relationship is over. Which is it going to be?" Allow him time to respond, without filling the silence, and if he says nothing then after a couple of minutes I would follow up with "Since you have said nothing, I assume you have no interest in discussing it like an adult, so your answer is that this is over."

If he does respond then you need to make sure it stays civil and respectful - so the first time he starts shouting/name calling etc just calmly ask that he doesn't shout/name call and that if he doesn't do that then the conversation is over.

His Mum is coming to visit today and as I am typing this, he just said to me are you going to go out because my Mum is coming over

Would you normally go out when she visited? If not then he wants you to leave so his childish behaviour isn't highlighted to his mum. In which case I would be going nowhere and let him explain why he was being an arse. If you usually get on then perhaps he's worried she'll take your side and hang up on him.

garbageduck · 24/02/2019 12:38

How do you get on with MIL? Frankly I'd be telling her all about the fact that he's being an abusive arse because he can't handle being wrong.

If it were my MIL she'd tell DH to get a fucking grip.