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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in and speak to DH first

357 replies

OTRDN · 22/02/2019 18:15

The other evening, DH, DS and I were discussing how much money to give DS to go out to the cinema and get some food with his friends - I said £20 and DH said no £10 is enough. Obviously DS wanted the £20 and DH accused me of undermining him.

I explained that as I had offered the £20 first - it was actually him that was undermining me but he disagreed.

The money was actually DS's, we just look after it so that he doesn't spend it all at once, so I couldn't see the problem with £20. DH said that DS wont learn the value of money if we give him £20, but I argued that if we controlled how much we gave him he would never learn the value of money. If he wanted to spend all of his money he could - then he would run out of money and begin to learn the value of it.

Anyway moving on, after DS was in bed DH and I were sitting in our front room watching the TV and DH carried this on saying I was undermining him, he got really angry and told me to leave the room because he didn't want to be in the same room as me. Normally I don't do arguing but this night I said no, I told him that if he didn't want to be in the same room as me then that is his decision and he should leave the room.

Well, then he turned off the TV I was watching and took the remote control and said " well if you won't leave, you can sit here in silence!"

I was gobsmacked and did go a little bit mental, telling him he can not treat me like that.... since then DH has not spoken to me (he normally cooks dinner - but he has cooked everybody elses but mine) I really don't think I should back down on this, but I hate the silence and awkwardness.

AIBU not to give in and speak to him first?

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 24/02/2019 16:55

If he is starting to say that DO NOT LEAVE! He needs to leave - the biggest mistake a friend of mine did was leave the house her and kids ended up in an awful position.

Tell him you are not going to apologise you were not in the wrong!

Did the son go out? Did he have enough money? (more curiousity than anything else)

If he really is going to go to this extreme then you are kicking him out.

Did his mum not notice the tension?

I feel for you this is not about money or remote control he is a bully pure and simple ☹️

VampirateQueen · 24/02/2019 16:58

Tell him you are throwing him out and if he doesn't leave quickly and quietly that you will be calling the police to escort him out.

MadAboutWands · 24/02/2019 17:14

What could be a good outcome for you?
Do you want him to leave?
Or are you hoping that he will somehow see the light, apologise and make amendments?

The problem for me is that, by behaving the way he has, he has burnt all the bridges. There is no come back afetr so many comments and controlling attitudes. Unfortunately, the issue here is that, for the first time, you have stand up to him and haven’t backed down.
And the reality is that either you actually keep your word and ask him to leave again/separate. Or you don’t ans he has lea that that he can always push you enough and you will back down. I’m pretty he would even be able to make you apologise too.

Insomnibrat · 24/02/2019 17:24

Reading what you've explained about this man's behaviour has given me the chills.

I'm so glad you posted here for a more balanced view, you REALLY need it.

He's controlling his son stringently too, in regards to money, and as this man gets older he will just get worse and worse...

He IS abusive. I'd be looking for the exit if I were you.

Magenta82 · 24/02/2019 17:29

This sounds like an awful situation OP, I'm sorry you are going through it.
It sound like he has very little respect for you and you need to decide if you are going to stand for it.
It might be an idea to think what advice you would give to a friend if she told you this had happened to her. Reading it made me mad on your behalf, but we often put up with more personally than we would for others.

picklemepopcorn · 24/02/2019 17:35

Classic DARVO, deny attack reverse etc.

ohfourfoxache · 24/02/2019 18:14

I think you might need to consider a solicitor......you can’t go on like this - look at how unhappy he’s making you

sackrifice · 24/02/2019 18:25

Well, perhaps you should throw him out.

Graphista · 24/02/2019 18:34

Do you own or rent? What is the situation legally with the house? Are the kids his?

I'd still be erring towards packing his bags!

Did his mother not notice him being a twat? Or had you made yourself scarce but in the house so she didn't know?

"Classic DARVO, deny attack reverse etc." Totally agree

Even IF you were wrong in the first place (and you aren't) his reaction is COMPLETELY out of proportion! It's now day 4 ffs!

It sounds like this is the first time you've really stood up to him and his reaction is crazy!

Lordamighty · 24/02/2019 18:48

I think it is really important for you OP not to back down at this point. Your foolish H has painted himself into a corner, let him stay there. Sleeping on the sofa like the twerp that he is. Until he can take some responsibility for his actions he is a list cause.

Lordamighty · 24/02/2019 18:48

*lost

pointythings · 24/02/2019 19:29

I think you now really need to take a long hard look at your marriage and accept that it has no future. Get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor, start putting together an escape plan. Because you really don't need to stay with this abusive POS and your DS also deserves better.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 24/02/2019 19:51

OP you need to leave, this won't change and do you want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship walking on egg shells until the next time?

Thanks
stayathomegardener · 24/02/2019 20:06

The thing is you can't back down now because that's a green light to do this to you again and again.

Personally I would tell him I've booked joint counselling and ask him to leave until then.

His reaction would tell me everything I needed to know.

If he wasn't prepared to work at our relationship then that would be it and the joint appointment changed to just myself.

lily2403 · 24/02/2019 20:14

Think your DH is a toddler

Cheby · 24/02/2019 20:17

I think legal advice tomorrow OP, if you can. He’s showing his true colours here, sadly.

timeisnotaline · 24/02/2019 20:56

I agree that tomorrow should include making a solicitors appt

PinkGinFreak · 24/02/2019 21:24

Sympathies OP, this is a nightmare situation which was unforeseen that morning you got out of bed when everything was ok, but it's now really got out of hand. Very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you as you now have to make a really tough decision, back down or see it through and tckle the consequences. I think it all depends on what has gone on before and what you are prepared to tolerate for the sake of your marriage. He's not painting himself in a good light, what a shame he can't just admit things got out of hand and say that he loves you and he's sorry. Please keep us posted, we are all thinking of you x

PinkGinFreak · 24/02/2019 21:25

tackle

SofaSurfer20 · 24/02/2019 21:26

He's a control freak. And a douchebag.

twooutofthreeaintbad · 24/02/2019 21:30

@OffToBedhampton I got as far as your comment and just had to stop. Why is it everyone on MN throws around the word 'abusive' to absolutely everything?! Turning off the tv is not abusive. I know abuse and that is just a joke
Don't be so dramatic

twooutofthreeaintbad · 24/02/2019 21:33

And as regards to the post, in my area a cinema ticket costs just short of £10, then your talking another £10 just for a coke and popcorn
My DC need £25/30 to go to the cinema and McDonald's with friends a time so £10 wouldn't go far

NCforthis2019 · 24/02/2019 21:35

Lord almighty. What a fucking waste of space. This man fathered children?! Why are you still with him - has he any redeeming qualities at all?!? He sounds worse than my 4 year old. Silent treatment - from Wednesday???!!! Get rid of this twat op, don’t let him control you anymore!

JeremyCorbynsCoat · 24/02/2019 21:41

I think you should throw him out. What an absolute bastard

Graphista · 24/02/2019 21:44

Not dramatic at all.

I've witnessed and experienced extreme abuse doesn't make this not abuse.

How do you think abusers start? They don't go 0-60mph from nothing to a full battering. They wear down and try to train their victims not to question or challenge them.

By withholding affection, by silent treatment, by refusing to acknowledge they're in any way wrong.

And emotional abuse is not only just as damaging its can have the longest effects and be the hardest to recover from.

My dad (abusive in every way you can think of) is STILL a major sulker - mainly cos it's the only tool he has left!

Even now - and I'm over 30 years out of that atmosphere - I would still rather have a shouty argument even with my history than have a silent, awkward, moody atmosphere any day!

It's soul destroying!

So please don't be dismissive of the OP'S experience or of emotional abuse generally it is every bit as damaging as physical and sexual abuse.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145