Can anyone help regarding bullying policy at uni?

[helena65]

Is it normal procedure to called for a mediation meeting after accusations of bullying? I honestly have no idea so if if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.
My daughter 18 has been bullied and harrased for months by 2 boys/grown men in her flat in uni student halls. She is in a flat with 3 boys and just her ..no girls. The third boy joins in with the online bullying but is friendly at times to DDS face.
The other two..post on FB that they have jizzed in the kettle and microwave for revenge on s flatmate.. they glare and laugh at her every day.. they put rubbish from the bins in her food cupboard. They put dirty dishes in her cupboard..they shouted at her constantly on snap chat to which she never replied..she has now blocked them..one boy told her he was going to make her life hell till she wanted to drop out of uni.
She hasn't spoked a word to either boy since Xmas..just kept her head down and hoped it would stop. It didn't..it's escalating.
For background..she has ibs and anxiety and her ibs has flared up with all this stress..she has missed some lectures and at one point had to come home for a week as she couldn't stop crying and going loo.
One boy is the ring leader he has decided that DD must take the bins on a certain day even though she doesn't use the kitchen and has her own bin for any rubbish. He ties up all the bin bags on HER day as he sees it and leaves them in the kitchen..not allowing either of the other boys to take them for days..till it stinks in there and someone snaps and takes them.
DD finnally went to the deanery team to make a complain ..she got it all out and they took a statement..the woman was wonderful and very sympathetic to her situation..saying she does not have tolive this way. They took statement from the other boys too and an investigation is under way.
DD has sentproof including photos..Snapchat messages..etc.
She made it clear to the deanery team she can't be in an interview with the boys..she needed it tobe alone. She has now received an email saying the accommodation team has decided a mediation meeting for all flatmates to discuss their issues is planned for next week!
DD is now beside herself that the she has to sit across the table from the boys who have been bullying her for months whilst they simply talk it out!!
Right now she can't sleep or leave her room..her ibs will definitely not allowing her to attend that meeting...nerves and stress are massive triggers for flare ups..she also doesn't want them to see her cry and she knows she would.

Can anyone help with how she should reply to this? Has it been a waste of time going to the deanery? Since the boys gave their statement the behavior has gotten worse.. putting rubbish from the bin in her cupboard happened after their meeting..so she knows they are not bothered ir worried by the investigation.

She needs to tell them, categorically, that she will not be attending any mediation where she has to sit across a table and talk it through with them. She isn't a child and this isn't a nursery school where everyone apologises and is best friends again!

If there is online bullying OP, she can go to the police. Maybe threaten the accommodation with going to the newspaper about them??

This is my sector and that sounds awful for you DD and like a classic case of bullying. I'd advise your daughter to book an appointment at her SU advice centre - most of them have trained advisers like a CAB, it's free and they are independent from
the uni. They should be able to advocate firstly about your DD not having to attend 'mediation' - which sounds like the wrong solution. And later to represent and support her in taking action against these bullies, or even against the uni if they don't act. Sounds like the accommodation staff have not followed any decent process and she should now escalate it with SU support. At my uni the bullies would likely be suspended - at least made to leave halls and possibly arrangements made so they don't cross paths with your DD eg on course, round campus etc. Most unis are desperate to stop this kind of rank behaviour and most are now taking way more robust action. Mentioning Warwick is not a bad shout right now!

She has told the deanery she doesn't want to have to move as that is what they told her they want

How silly. Hello nose, I cut you off, to spite my face.

Unfortunately she is living with narcissists. They don't change. I lived with a few similar bullies in the halls and I wish I had just moved. The fact that mediation us being suggested is laughable. Bullies don't want to fix things, they WANT to hurt you.

Move your daughter. Find her a room in a flat on spareroom. It will be far cheaper and she can meet the ppl first to see not only that the flat will do but also that the ppl seem pleasent. Tell your daughter it isn't about winning and losing, that is just the game that these horrors want you to feel like she is in. To manipulate her into staying and fighting so they can further degrade her. It is what they want.

Get her out of there.

I totally understand her POV but she's weakening her case by saying she wants to stay if they behave but then saying she can't be in mediation with them? It doesn't make much sense.

They sound incredibly nasty op and I hope it's resolved but I'd be putting the emphasis on her leaving if they can find suitable alternative accommodation on account of her disability.

But even if it's resolved, id be contacting the police on account of the ongoing harassment.

This makes me angry. The fact that your daughter is paying 5 figures a year to be there for this pleasure is bonkers. Why haven't they been kicked out?? That behaviour wouldn't be tolerated in the workplace. Hopefully they'll get their teeth kicked town their throat when they get bored with your daughter and move onto the next person.

I agree with pirevious posters . This is organised hassment and I think she should involve the Police particularly as she has proof. I would probably do it this weekend if there is anymore bullying.
I know it isn't the done thing on MN but I had a friend whose daughter was having a really bad time at Uni and she rang the Uni Welfare team in tears herself. They were wonderful and some how managed to get someone to check on the daughter and then helped out. They were clear that her DD was an adult and therefore they could not feed back to her, but they listened and acted.
I wonder whether a call saying how concerned you are at the mediation suggestion as it is not really acceptable to ask someone to mediation when they are being so openly abused and bullied. Tell them that you are worried about the impact on her health as her IBS has exacerbated and she is very tearful with you. If you drop in that someone has suggested Police involvement and harassment but you are concerned at the impact of this on the boys's studies you might get someone more senior in student welfare interested.
But really , these arrogant little men are a waste of space and Uni sounds useless so the Police is probably the best bet although the nuclear option.

Their behaviour is awful, but I don't understand how she's too scared to face them in mediation whilst simultaneously refusing to move elsewhere, where she would be completely free of them.

I feel like she's damaging her own case, and giving credence to 'their side of the story': you can be certain they have a side, whether it's true or not, and parents willing to kick up a fuss to defend them and keep them in their chosen accommodation too.

It sounds as if 'their side' might include the fact that they think she doesn't wash her dishes or put the bins out on 'her day'. If there's the slightest truth to that, mediation might not be a bad idea, to find an accord for the next four months until they all part ways anyway. If their complaints are a complete fabrication there's no point reasoning with them, refuse mediation and insist she's rehoused somewhere with en-suite facilities due to her illness.

I would go to the police, honestly.

Mediation might be ok if a) it was something your daughter wanted and b) it was shuttle mediation where the two parties are in different rooms. Doesn't sound like this is the case.

I would listen to the poster who said to go further up in the hierarchy and for your daughter to authorise you to act on her behalf.

Good luck. And I don't think your daughter should have to move out either. Fuck them.

They glare, laugh, put dirty dishes and rubbish in her cupboard, post fb messages about 'a flatmate', have sent her 'shouting' snapchat messages.

I don't see anything the police would be interested in, particularly if she's refusing to follow the steps outlined by the university.

And that's not defending them. They sound like absolute shits and I feel very sorry for OP's dd. But to get a good outcome you've got to be realistic and manage it sensibly imo.

I also think she should report this to the Police.

If she can get the ring leader taken down, the others are likely to leave her alone.

Tell her to be strong. She can beat him. She just needs to be strategic. Particularly with any physical or sexual threats. He's acting like a child but he's an adult and there are adult consequences!

Remind her to record everything. X

She's an adult legally. So are they. They should be acting like them. She should also be handling it herself and you shouldn't be involved.

you shouldn't be involved.

It's her daughter, of course she should. She might not be able to do anything directly, but she can support and advise.

I'm pushing 40 and I can still talk to my parents about how they feel a situation could best be handled if I need to.

That's harsh fivered. When you pack your kids off at 18 you don't stop worrying about them. Of course they still turn to their parents for help, even in their 20s 30s 40s, you've only got to read threads on here to know that. She's asking her mum for help, and op is trying to provide just that.

But fwiw bullying/cyberbullying isn't a criminal offence. Harassment can be, if it is in regards a protected characteristic or gives threat of violence. The 'reasonable person' test would be applied, might end up a civil case.

Hi OP, I work in a university complaints and discipline team. Does the university have a student complaints procedure? PM me the name of the university if you want and I can have a look for you. Your daughter might need to make a complaint under the student complaints procedure to have this investigated by central university administration rather than the accommodation service.
At the university I work at there are ‘informal’ and ‘formal’ procedures. The mediated meeting with housemates might be an attempt at informal resolution. But usually it is possible for a student to request that their complaint goes straight to the formal procedure, especially in a case like this. Where I work we would interview everyone separately and if it progressed to a discipline hearing we would put measures in place to protect the victim from having to speak directly to the perpetrators.

Has your DD spoken to her tutor? They might be able to offer support.

Also, I would recommend that your daughter seems support from the student advice service or if there is a counselling service.

thereinmadnesslies that's great advice hopefully the OP will see it and advise her daughter. This needs to go beyond housing to get proper action.

.

@helena65 Any news or progress? Have thought about your DD several times , its a dreadful experience for her.

I teach in a university and have to deal with student welfare issues as a tutor too. Different universities will have different written protocols and differing levels of support staff available.

These boys are being unpleasant little shits of course. Their families won't see them like that. The university will prefer to diffuse the situation. Mediation is suitable in some circumstances but is a daft suggestion in this case.

It's possible that your daughter could escalate this (you can't) to the point where more senior management get involved but the boys will also defend themselves - they will say she doesn't participate in flat sharing life and is hard to live with. It's possible that managers will make some reassurances and offer more solutions but I can't see any of those being better for your daughter than her just moving out.

My concern OP would be that your daughter will enter some kind of martyrdom here, that will be worse than what's already happened and will disrupt her course of study substantially. I don't think the particular principle here is worth any of that. She's already miserable, she doesn't need to be the focus of an escalated row.

My strong advice would be to help her to move out, to support her personally and confirm for her that she was unfortunate to get put with these clowns but encourage her to prioritise her own study, to get some nice flatmates, to participate in student life with her own friends and get her revenge by living well and possibly writing them into a gloriously parodic campus novel in later life.

Update here from op..I have name changed.
My dd has been living alone in the flat for 3weeks whilst an investigation took place . She had loads of proof and the student conduct officer elevated it to serious university level which could result in expulsion for the boys will involved who have been moved out in the mean time.
However yesterday she received an email saying it has been passed back to college level and in face she herself is to face a discipline meeting next week as the boys have accused Her of lying even though she has buckets of proof.
What can she do?

Ffs I've just read the full thread. What a pair of wee bastards!

I think your daughter should go to her meeting and take all her proof. She has done nothing and has nothing to hide. They are just panicking now and the truth will come out. She has to stay strong as possible in the mean time. Can you go with her?

I know MN are very '18 is an adult' but if this was me I'd want my mum to help sort it. I'd have probably dropped out by now tbh so good on your DD.

I know it feels unfair, but if the male students have said this, the college has to look at it - if they were to brush off the allegations without making any enquiries, the male students would be able to say that they had been treated unjustly. Justice requires listening to both sides (which feels awful when it's clear to you that one side is right and the other isn't, but the investigator can't prejudge that).

It's great that she has the evidence - she should take it all with her. If she's unhappy with the outcome, she will have a chance to get it reviewed afterwards, first at the higher levels of the university (check what the university complaints procedure says - it will have to give details). Ultimately, when universities have gone all the way through their processes, students who believed the university has acted unfairly can get it reviewed (for free) by an external body, the OIA (www.oiahe.org.uk).

Your poor daughter

Please tell her to take absolutely every sure of evidence she has against these vile men. Also any medical evidence she may have.

She should be ago to take a representative with her - she could ask a friend/her tutor.

I hope she wins bless her!