Can anyone help regarding bullying policy at uni?

[helena65]

Is it normal procedure to called for a mediation meeting after accusations of bullying? I honestly have no idea so if if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.
My daughter 18 has been bullied and harrased for months by 2 boys/grown men in her flat in uni student halls. She is in a flat with 3 boys and just her ..no girls. The third boy joins in with the online bullying but is friendly at times to DDS face.
The other two..post on FB that they have jizzed in the kettle and microwave for revenge on s flatmate.. they glare and laugh at her every day.. they put rubbish from the bins in her food cupboard. They put dirty dishes in her cupboard..they shouted at her constantly on snap chat to which she never replied..she has now blocked them..one boy told her he was going to make her life hell till she wanted to drop out of uni.
She hasn't spoked a word to either boy since Xmas..just kept her head down and hoped it would stop. It didn't..it's escalating.
For background..she has ibs and anxiety and her ibs has flared up with all this stress..she has missed some lectures and at one point had to come home for a week as she couldn't stop crying and going loo.
One boy is the ring leader he has decided that DD must take the bins on a certain day even though she doesn't use the kitchen and has her own bin for any rubbish. He ties up all the bin bags on HER day as he sees it and leaves them in the kitchen..not allowing either of the other boys to take them for days..till it stinks in there and someone snaps and takes them.
DD finnally went to the deanery team to make a complain ..she got it all out and they took a statement..the woman was wonderful and very sympathetic to her situation..saying she does not have tolive this way. They took statement from the other boys too and an investigation is under way.
DD has sentproof including photos..Snapchat messages..etc.
She made it clear to the deanery team she can't be in an interview with the boys..she needed it tobe alone. She has now received an email saying the accommodation team has decided a mediation meeting for all flatmates to discuss their issues is planned for next week!
DD is now beside herself that the she has to sit across the table from the boys who have been bullying her for months whilst they simply talk it out!!
Right now she can't sleep or leave her room..her ibs will definitely not allowing her to attend that meeting...nerves and stress are massive triggers for flare ups..she also doesn't want them to see her cry and she knows she would.

Can anyone help with how she should reply to this? Has it been a waste of time going to the deanery? Since the boys gave their statement the behavior has gotten worse.. putting rubbish from the bin in her cupboard happened after their meeting..so she knows they are not bothered ir worried by the investigation.

[SinkGirl]

Do the guys have any friends in the building in another flat? Would a swap be possible? I honestly can’t see any way she can stay there, I don’t believe that any amount of disciplinary action is going to make them stop. Your poor daughter must be traumatised by all this, I wouldn’t be able to cope with that and I have nearly 20 years on her. I experienced horrendous workplace bullying a decade ago but at least I could go home at the end of the day and get away from it.

In my first year of uni I had a flat mate who smoked weed constantly in our halls flat. I mean constantly - If she wasn’t smoking she was skinning up, everything stank, I had headaches all the time. In the end we had to report it before we had scheduled inspections as we would all have been thrown out of there. She was moved fortunately and that was when I realised how stressful life had been.

I would go back and see the first woman she saw and ask for an explanation of why they think mediation is suitable in such an abusive situation where they are hanging up on her. I worked in on-site student support in my final year and there was a similar situation in one flat where everyone was bullying one resident - she had some mental health issues and an eating disorder and the other girls were being utterly vile to her. In the end the only thing we could do was move her.

[N0rdicStar]

I’d want her out immediately but I would also be collating every bit of evidence I could and be taking it to the highest level if needs be. They should not be getting away with this behaviour.

[Lostwithoutdirections]

This is so sad for your poor daughter. I handle legal disputes and mediation professionally. It won’t work with bullies. They will go through the hoops and nod and look reticent, but honestly bullies only respond to similar behaviours.

In your shoes, I’d be finding some larger individuals to visit the flat as your daughter’s guests. And the message to the assholes involved needs to be a calm “continue to fuck with DD and I’ll fuck with you”.

I know it sounds mafia, but it will work. Just a very subtle approach (not written down, recorded) to make them think twice.

Hope it gets sorted soon! Moving her as soon as possible will be the best way forward long term

[Goldmandra]

She needs someone to support her in that meeting. Preferably someone with a clear idea of what procedures should be followed and who is able to stand up to the person running the meeting.

When I asked my DD's accommodation team to look out for her after she ended an abusive relationship and call the police if her very dangerous ex (who lived 200 miles away) turned up, the woman in charge told her that there were two sides to every story and she had to take responsibility for her own decisions.

I don't know if these accommodation teams have training on safeguarding or domestic abuse. In our case that seems unlikely.

Can anyone who knows university protocols better suggest who could support this young woman?

[Purplecatshopaholic]

Doesn't her Uni have a team of student support? I work at a Uni and we have a team of people there to help sort this sort of thing out (granted its a big Uni). She should be able to access counselling if that would help, and maybe move accommodation if that would help too. Although it sounds like the flatmates involved should be dealt with first (why should she have to move?!). I very much hope she is ok

[whatwouldyoubelikeat28]

I think she is making it harder for herself than it needs to be. Just move flats! We all move hundreds of times in a lifetime! You can still be friends with people after you move.
What the boys are doing is seriously wrong and they should be penalised.
However the uni will also be trying to fix it.
She won't mediate, won't move and has a single solution that is probably ineffective i.e. move one of three bullies. What does she expect them to do? Just move to another flat.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

Goldmandra that's horrendous.
Things are changing in Scotland at least - ewds2.strath.ac.uk/gbvcards/About/tabid/8067/Default.aspx
I hope things are moving towards more positive understandings of how coercive control works elsewhere too.

[helena65]

Thanks everyone. Students don't usually want to move to her accommodation as it's the most expensive because of the ensuite. They all seem to want the cheaper rooms. One room in her building was empty for weeks but has recently been filled by an international student. DD also says she couldn't in good conscience swap and inflict those boys on some other poor individual. The ringleader boy has already told her he wants her out so he can move his friend in who lives off campus.
Iam going to a hospital appointment soon so won't be able to reply for a while ..but thanks everyone.. sharing this has helped.

[Lovemusic33]

Think the only option is for her to move, if they ask one of the boys to leave it’s just going to make the others more determined to upset dd? If I was her there’s no way I could stay and I probably would have asked to be moved ages ago. Something has to give and I can’t see any other way than her moving.

[helena65]

Goldman draft..that is terrible for your poor DD..things like that make my blood boil!! Having someone stand in is a good point.. hopefully someone who knows will post more.

[Juells]

I have the rage just reading about this, I don't know how you're dealing with it OP :( You poor thing, and your poor daughter. I'd be thinking about suing the college for not protecting her. It's beyond anything that they think mediation will help when bullies like this are involved.

Sorry I have nothing constructive to say.

[IrmaFayLear]

During my time at university masses of people had bad experiences with flatmates/house shares. In fact when I was older I encountered a fair few horrible people, ranging from the weird to the downright nasty.

Personally one of my housemates in the second year of university was generally awful. But he then developed a drug habit and became psychotic. It reached a head when I discovered the kitchen knives missing and he did one of those mock "jumps" at me as I slunk past his door. I went to the student welfare officer (or whatever it was called back then) and they immediately found me a great room usually given to postgraduates.

[funnyfacestace]

@cabbage78

I'm sorry that your Daughter is going through this. She has been incredibly brave so far and you are right is she doesn't want to move she shouldn't have to.

What is the university's policy on bullying? Can I ask what area this is in? I would be interested in the outcome of this and the repercussions for those bullying her, they should be shamed publicly for what they are doing and the president of the students association should not be able to hold that position!

I think she needs a representative with her who has heard both sides of the story and seen the physical evidence, it's bad enough that bullying happens younger in life but even worse when those who should know better at an older age are doing it!

If the university doesn't act appropriately then this may be a story that would interest the media, especially if the uni is one of prominence.

I hope she wins this and comes out strong and good on her for not wanting to let them away with it and being the one who has to change her lifestyle.

[feministfairy]

What a difficult situation. Their behaviour has moved into possibly illegal territory with this becoming a systematic and organised campaign. So the allegations are serious - both for her in terms of their impact and for them in terms of possible consequences.
Presumably she has everything recorded ? Screenshots etc so that it isn't only her word against theirs? Witnesses? In which case, then surely this must be a disciplinary issue as there's clear evidence. I'd be going back to the University with screenshots, recordings, photos and a clear written narrative at this stage. As a victim she has the right to expect that it is the bullies that are moved, not her.

[helena65]

I agree with the premise of her moving but it is not possible..she needs ensuite and there are none available. There are plenty of rooms available in other buildings on campus but none are ensuite.

[Marcipex]

I am staggered at some university bullying.
My sister was in accommodation where a group of young men would rampage in the night, break the girls bedroom doors down, carry their victim outside and throw her into a pond. Complaints were useless as it was 'just the football team having a laugh'

Your dd needs to move. The bullies should be sanctioned but it won't make them nicer to live with. It isn't worth trying.

[helena65]

The woman from the deanery team even said to DD at the meeting that if anyone should move it's them!

[cordeliavorkosigan]

Yes I think getting legal advice, attending the meeting with her and/or letting them know that due to abusive circumstances mediation is not appropriate, and that the next step is going to the police might be better. Sounds so infuriating and how awful for your DD. The uni should be ashamed if they can't manage this better.

[helena65]

Sorry everyone I really have to get in the car now x

[cordeliavorkosigan]

In fact all 3 of these men should be kicked out of halls (and/or uni, even)... I would not be surprised if they lied in their private meeting. Is it conceivable that they want the meeting together so that they can't just lie about what they are doing?

[FaithFrank]

Not related to a university, but I have been involved in mediation where the people involved sat in separate rooms and the mediator went from one to the other.

Has anyone told her she is not required to attend mediation? She is perfectly within her rights to refuse, especially as it is already having an adverse effect on her health.

[Coronapop]

She needs to move out of this flat. By now there is bound to be a vacant room somewhere else in the same or similar hall.

[AliTheMinx]

At the University where I work this would absolutely not be tolerated and no way would such a vulnerable student have to sit across a table from her perpetrator, when this will obviously cause her further distress. As your daughter is so upset, are you able to intervene? I think the severity of this means it should be escalated higher up as a bullying case. Is there a Head of Student Services, or similar? I'd even go as far up as the VC if you feel no one is listening. This won't be something they'll want to get into the press, and it might spur them into action. Your poor daughter's wellbeing should be their absolute priority. Big hugs, OP xx

[FenellaMaxwell]

The trouble is, @goldmandra, that they can’t take your word for it - your DD being an adult needs to speak for herself. The university’s duty of care is to the student, and that includes protecting their privacy. If your DD requests additional support and that police be called if her ex shows up then the university can absolutely facilitate that, but they can’t do it on your say so - for all they know, you could be an overprotective parent who doesn’t want their DD to see their boyfriend etc.

I worked at a uni for a short time, and as a parent myself, it was really hard explaining to concerned parents that we could offer any support their child needed, but as they were an adult we had to protect their privacy and could only deal with the student directly. We had students who came from all sorts of family backgrounds and looking at the bigger picture, it’s absolutely the correct policy but it’s hard when you are the parent.

OP, your DD is in a terrible situation but she also needs to be realistic- she isn’t going to have a pleasant living experience in the flat she is in, and she needs to consider alternatives. if she doesn’t have proof then yes, mediation is the next step.

[FenellaMaxwell]

@AliTheMinx if you work at a uni, you know full well that the contract is with the student and not even the VC can violate student confidentiality and discuss issues with the parent.