Can anyone help regarding bullying policy at uni?

[helena65]

Is it normal procedure to called for a mediation meeting after accusations of bullying? I honestly have no idea so if if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful.
My daughter 18 has been bullied and harrased for months by 2 boys/grown men in her flat in uni student halls. She is in a flat with 3 boys and just her ..no girls. The third boy joins in with the online bullying but is friendly at times to DDS face.
The other two..post on FB that they have jizzed in the kettle and microwave for revenge on s flatmate.. they glare and laugh at her every day.. they put rubbish from the bins in her food cupboard. They put dirty dishes in her cupboard..they shouted at her constantly on snap chat to which she never replied..she has now blocked them..one boy told her he was going to make her life hell till she wanted to drop out of uni.
She hasn't spoked a word to either boy since Xmas..just kept her head down and hoped it would stop. It didn't..it's escalating.
For background..she has ibs and anxiety and her ibs has flared up with all this stress..she has missed some lectures and at one point had to come home for a week as she couldn't stop crying and going loo.
One boy is the ring leader he has decided that DD must take the bins on a certain day even though she doesn't use the kitchen and has her own bin for any rubbish. He ties up all the bin bags on HER day as he sees it and leaves them in the kitchen..not allowing either of the other boys to take them for days..till it stinks in there and someone snaps and takes them.
DD finnally went to the deanery team to make a complain ..she got it all out and they took a statement..the woman was wonderful and very sympathetic to her situation..saying she does not have tolive this way. They took statement from the other boys too and an investigation is under way.
DD has sentproof including photos..Snapchat messages..etc.
She made it clear to the deanery team she can't be in an interview with the boys..she needed it tobe alone. She has now received an email saying the accommodation team has decided a mediation meeting for all flatmates to discuss their issues is planned for next week!
DD is now beside herself that the she has to sit across the table from the boys who have been bullying her for months whilst they simply talk it out!!
Right now she can't sleep or leave her room..her ibs will definitely not allowing her to attend that meeting...nerves and stress are massive triggers for flare ups..she also doesn't want them to see her cry and she knows she would.

Can anyone help with how she should reply to this? Has it been a waste of time going to the deanery? Since the boys gave their statement the behavior has gotten worse.. putting rubbish from the bin in her cupboard happened after their meeting..so she knows they are not bothered ir worried by the investigation.

[Tomtontom]

Is there any disabled or postgraduate accommodation available, or is there an underoccupied flat so she could have her own bathroom, or at least only share with one other person? I agree that she shouldn't have to move, but for the sake of her mental health and her safety she does need to.

In the longer term it would be more fair (and just) for the males to move, and given the extent of the abuse, to be removed from the university full stop. But to do this the university has to follow a procedure that could take many months, and that's not going to help your daughter.

Could you show her this thread? We all believe her, we all agree that she shouldn't have to move, but we want her to be safe and well and for that to happen she needs to be out of there.

[Goldmandra]

Has anyone told her she is not required to attend mediation? She is perfectly within her rights to refuse, especially as it is already having an adverse effect on her health.

There's a risk that they could say the OP's DD wasn't engaging so they couldn't help her.

I've been shocked at how appalling student support is. They talk a great talk when you look at these unis but when students actually need support it's a very different story. All they actually do is shrug their shoulders and put up brick walls.

[tadpole39]

Given what’s recently happened at Warwick uni, I’d expect the faculty to be bending over backwards to prevent that sort of situation. This is the behaviour that spirals into that kind of end result. I would be contacting everyone and just saying “Warwick!”

[Goldmandra]

The university’s duty of care is to the student, and that includes protecting their privacy. If your DD requests additional support and that police be called if her ex shows up then the university can absolutely facilitate that, but they can’t do it on your say so - for all they know, you could be an overprotective parent who doesn’t want their DD to see their boyfriend etc.

That in no way justifies telling my DD that there are two sides to every story.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

Unbelievable how shit the student accommodation service is being. Those guys should be evicted and sanctioned by the university. I’d look into a lawyer.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I'm not sure that'll make as much difference as it should, @Tadpole39 - the men involved won their appeal and had their 10 year campus bans overturned, and are now allowed to return to campus in September. They aren't going to, but they can. Warwick's had some bad PR but doesn't seem at all bothered.

Realistically, @Cabbage78, your DD is probably going to have to move. Action should be taken against the boys and I hope that it is, and it's horrendous that it's got to this point, but they are very unlikely to suddenly welcome her with open arms, and removing them all from campus is difficult. See the Warwick case!

I would be encouraging her to explain to the Deanery that she needs an en-suite room and leaving them to sort out how they find her one. They may find another student who is willing to swap, or know of someone who is leaving.

In a perfect world, she'd be able to stay where she is and they'd face consequences to their behaviour and then either stay out of her way or they'd find some civil ground, but if they are that malicious, they'll probably just go more underground and leave less proof.

Encourage your DD to look after herself. The moral battles aren't always worth the fight, sadly.

[Juells]

I’d look into a lawyer.

Totally agree. I'd be threatening a lawsuit, going to the media, anything and everything to make the university stop the bullying.

[FenellaMaxwell]

@goldmandra that wasn’t clear from your post - I thought you had been told that, not your DD and what they meant was there’s your version and your DD’s.

[Juells]

...and isn't it amazing that even after what happened at Warwick, bullies are still prepared to put things online that can be screenshot?

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

Fenella, if you look at my link you can see another example of this from a housing worker when Emily Drouet was trying to escape an abusive relationship.
It happens.
It shouldn't.

[RedTitsMcGinty]

Can you get hold of the university’s official complaints procedure? It should be published somewhere (perhaps on an Intranet your daughter has access to). The university should be taking this very seriously, especially in light of the recent Warwick incident, but often their complaints policy will start by recommending mediationbefore they move to a formal investigation. That shouldn’t mean they have to sit down together in the same room, though. Also, if some of the evidence includes threats of a sexual nature (e.g. jizz in the kettle) then it should be escalated under the university's sexual harassment procedures. That should definitely exclude any call for mediation and your DD can point this out to them.

[Goldmandra]

that wasn’t clear from your post

OK. Sorry.

The woman told my DD that the man who had abused her in all sorts of horrific ways hadn't had a chance to tell them his side of the story. He lived 200 miles away and was not a student. There was no need for them to do anything other then call the police (on their instruction) if this man turned up.

I dread to thing what happens to young women who report assaults by their fellow students.

[moosesormeece]

She absolutely shouldn't have to move but at this point it is probably the best option for her. I was in a similar position and moved, and it was great because I could just put the whole thing behind me and get on with life - if I'd stayed I'd have been on edge all the time worrying about what they would do next. Bullies don't just stop when they're told to. I stayed in the same halls and heard on the grapevine that after I left they all turned on each other, as well as pissing off all their neighbours with the noise.

Given her IBS is it perhaps a legal requirement for them to find her another en suite room, as a reasonable adjustment for a disability?

[CallipygianFancier]

I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter, but I agree with a previous comment that the best thing for her overall may be to see if anyone is willing to swap rooms, or otherwise remove herself from the situation.

However, also:
In your shoes, I’d be finding some larger individuals to visit the flat as your daughter’s guests. And the message to the assholes involved needs to be a calm “continue to fuck with DD and I’ll fuck with you”.
I encountered some dicks in university accommodation who tried immature bullying nonsense with me, and as I'm a pretty large guy, I just did this myself in a very, very blunt manner. They moved out.

I appreciate the world has become a bit more civilised in some ways in the intervening years, but the experiences I had of bullying when I was younger taught me that often it's the only thing that gets through to these people.

[SlothMama]

This is awful, I had horrid flatmates in my first year of Uni but I stuck it out and luckily they moved out early which made the flat much more bearable.
I know she doesn't want to move but is there a spare flat in the same halls? The abuse honestly won't stop unless they are moved or she moves.
I don't know for bullying but when my friend was stalked her Uni wanted her to meet her stalker in mediation. Which was totally inappropriate and ridiculous, they wanted them to write letters to read out to each other...

[Springisallaround]

I would immediately start making a much bigger fuss about this. I am extremely angry on your behalf and would expect the university to be doing much much more.

If your dd is disabled with IBS and because she is female, they are essentially bullying her both in person and online. Online bullying is a CRIME and I would be writing a letter today, cc'd not just to the Deanery but also the Vice-Chancellor's office, the housing office, the welfare office, explaining your dd is being victimized and harrassed online and has the emails to prove it. She won't be attending a mediation session as she is intimidated and scared and the onus on the university is to keep her safe and to protect her from discriminatory bullying (which it undoubtedly is as she's female, has IBS ).

This is as bad as the Warwick case IMO and should be setting off alarm bells in any university right now.

I would also say in the letter that your dd (if she agrees) fully consents to you, her parents, being cc'd into any further correspondence (she has to agree to this and explicitly state it).

I would also state that I was taking legal advice on how to proceed with both the cyber-bullying and the harassment, and I would really do it.

These men don't just need removing from the hall, they need disciplining beyond that, in terms of their academic studies.

Escalate this above the deanery, this isn't a housing matter, it's about how females are allowed to be treated at this university. This culture of dominant nasty male entitled behaviour has to be stopped in its tracks and the perpetrators need to know that if they behave like this, it will jeopardise their careers and their uni records, not just get a slapped wrist and a nice mediation session in which three of them gang up against one. Go to the very very top (VC).

You could also threaten to go to the media as well that's your call.

Good luck.

[TwittleBee]

I am so sorry you DD is going through this. I went through similar at university too in my first halls. It was horrible and scary - it got to the point where they said if I left my room they would set fire to me... That is when I rang the security team to help me leave. The security team were lovely to me and made me a cuppa but the actual uni halls management team, the SU and Uni management were all totally shit. I had previously told them what was happening and even showed the messages I was receiving but they said that they would not intervene and it was up to me to sort out or move out.

Luckily there was a place for me to move to, but like your DD I was sad I had to leave the halls I had lived in and enjoyed the location. What I found awful was that I was forced to move all my belongings on my own - H&E meant the uni was not allowed to offer anyone to help me move all my stuff! Also I had to pay the admin and cleaning fees for moving - totalling £150!

I dont know why I am telling you my story, I guess just to say Unis can be totally shit for sorting this sort of stuff out.

[Seniorcitizen1]

Get her dad or other male relatives to visit and have a “word” with these to-rags A harch/threatening conversation should sort them out.

[Missingstreetlife]

Why do they put 1 girl in with boys, is that usual or safe?

[recrudescence]

I’m in my sixties now and all this seems horrifying to me and not at all what I remember from my own university days. I don’t have any better advice than that already given but do feel immensely sorry for your daughter. I hope her situation improves.

[hennaoj]

Why on earth should the bullies win? She leaves and they achieve their objective of getting their friend in. They should be kicked out of the accomodation and possibly off their courses.

[CallipygianFancier]

I agree, but it's something of a pyrrhic victory if it ruins her daughter's health trying to get it.

[woodhill]

I'm so sorry to hear this OP

Has your daughter got any female friends who could give her a bit more support for now and witness how nasty the boys are being.

Definitely make a fuss as this is disgusting behaviour.

[jellybeanteaparty]

Understandable that your DD feels that by moving they have won. I guess she needs to balance this with how her wellbeing is being affected. Could she Skype into the mediation so she has access to her loo at short notice?

If she is adamant she wants to stay it could be good to make a detailed plan of action to cope. Move everything she has in the kitchen out of the kitchen and get a mini fridge and her own kettle. Write to accommodation stating she is not using the kitchen at all. She could perhaps use the kitchens where her friends are. Screen grab all messages and photograph any rubbish being placed in her cupboard etc. Could be good to have camera recording when in flat for verbal abuse etc.

In balance the above would be detrimental to most people's mental health and it's ok for her to decide that her wellbeing comes before justice.

Alternatively she could stage a home alone campaign then claim it was a theme party and just a bit of fun!!!!!

[IrmaFayLear]

I agree that it would be a hollow victory if it drags on for weeks. Just get out of there. Let the university know in the strongest terms why it is necessary to move accommodation.