DP called me a 'fucking liar'

[username900]

Been really unwell for about 9 days.
Day 1 - Took the morning off work to have an urgent doctors appointment about being so ill but forced myself into work
Day 2 - Off work, unwell and in pain
Day 3 - Forced myself into work again but spent the day having to take myself off to cry because I felt horrific
Day 4 - Up at A&E in the morn, spent the rest of the day crying in bed I felt so awful
Day 5 - Urgent blood tests, bedridden again
Day 6 & 7 - Feeling slightly better. Moderate pain but managed. Tried to stay in bed so I could rest in hope to get to work this week.
Day 8 - Got hit with norovirus bug.
Day 9 (today) - feeling slightly better but still dealing with norovirus.

I've honestly felt horrific.
DP has been good in terms of keeping our toddler occupied, getting him to and from nursery etc, but the place is a tip, no clean washing, and I've had to pester him to get shopping.

I gave him a little lecture this morning. DP is supposed to be taking DS out and I told him that DS had no clothes and explained that when I'm so ill, he really should've been making sure DS at least had clean clothes to go to nursery or out in.
He went absolutely crazy, said

• I shouldn't have left it 10 days to say anything (I've made comments about how DS has no clothes until I've had to go and put them in the machine myself)
• About how there was a time I was lazy and didn't do it and he had to sort it all (true, but it was the few weeks before this illness and I was fatigued and I was putting it down to that)

He then went on about how I was well enough (on day 6&7) to do it so should've been getting off my ass to do it. He started going on about how I've been 'milking' the illness, how I've been well enough to do a shop run and do washing and I'm just trying to make out that it was than it actually was (because he saw me walking round the flat and playing with DS sometimes?) DM then rang in the middle of this rant from him that I'm putting it on, she asked how my norovirus was getting on and I replied 'still bad' (as I've already been up&down to the bathroom this morning) and he laughed and scoffed 'still bad' and then walked off and muttered under his breath (toddler DS was with me), 'what a fucking liar'.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I?

Sorry - this is a bit more long winded than I'd hoped it'd be!

Oh no I see it's probably for the person above me. I see you are just ignoring what I said because now you see you are wrong. Glad you realised, good try though.

I don’t mean to sound unkind but you do sound like you have been being a bit dramatic. You had to take yourself off at work to have a cry, you lay in bed crying all day, you’ve not showered for a week, you gave your partner a ‘little lecture’. When your mum phoned about the Noro and you said still bad that it makes it sound like you are still in the throws of it but by your own admission today it is getting better, you’ve stopped vommiting. I wonder if your dp took that as a bit of a drama llama thing to say.
He shouldn’t have sworn at you, especially when dc was there- but I do wonder if he got frustrated.
Take some painkillers and go in the shower, yes it’s will be hard to summon the energy but you will feel a million times better for it.

When illnesses hit this house (and the last 3 months have been nothing but flu, bronchitis, noro, plus a newborn) we both step up and look after the poorly one, dc’s etc but stuff does slide and does go unnoticed. If the kids ran out of clothes it would be more of an oh shit moment let’s put a wash on rather then recriminations on who should have done it and why didn’t they put a wash on on Tuesday.
I hope you feel better soon

I'd be livid being called a fucking liar in your situation OP, let alone the lazy and entitled behaviour he is showing.
I'd be questioning whether I wanted to be in this relationship at all to be honest.
A realtionship is supposed to be a partnership that enhances both individual's lives!

Norovirus doesn't last a day. It knocks you for six and you'd be glued to the loo....for a few days at least. I've had and even lifting a mobile to type a long winded message would be too much to ask. Tummy bug? Yes. Norovirus? Nah.

@StreetwiseHercules He wasn't doing ANYthing at all for that entire time.

My DH would do those tasks without even having to be asked if I was in the OP's position. Because he knows what household jobs need doing. It's about being a grown man and not a man child who expects his wife to act like his mother.

I totally agree Nutella

So OP gets: “well if you can physically summon up the energy to post on Mumsnet then however much you’re throwing up you can’t be THAT ill, you could pop on a wash”

But OP’s partner gets: “oh poor baby, how could he possibly know that his child needed food and clean clothes without the OP’s guidance, he’s been BUSY so he’s probably exhausted”?

yes, that sounds totally fair...

Aside from it all, (not sure why so many people are also adamant that you are lying!) I think it’s really unfair for DP to say that to you.

My dh does these things anyway. Has your partner never dressed your child before or washed some clothes? That's a problem anyway. To be so resentful of having to do these things (that he should be doing anyway) is ridiculous. On top of all that, he then calls you this.

Talk to him, hopefully he'll apologize and then you guys needs to figure out how he's going to do this stuff more regularly moving forward.

“@StreetwiseHercules He wasn't doing ANYthing at all for that entire time.”

Sure.

@Catinthetwat exactly this

forced myself into work for a day last week and had to go and get blood tests but otherwise just up and down to the bathroom! I haven't even showered in a week!

Well I suggest getting up and having a shower, you're fit enough to post on here then you're fit enough to shower and it'll make you feel tons better.

Your OH shouldn't need to be told to wash clothes, but neither if you've bed in bed and not able to get out know what clothes the toddler has. It seems like you're trying to micro manage him by telling him what he hasn't done.

Has he been bringing you food and drink?

He sounds like an absolute twat. These things shouldn't all be "your job" anyway and as he can see that you've been ill for a while, why is he too stupid to take the initiative to do what needed doing himself?

If you're well enough to post on here you're well enough to stick on a wash.

Bullshit. It takes very little energy to post, and a lot more getting up and putting a load of washing in.

I had a friend who spent a few days in HDU last year, and she was perfectly able to post on Reddit when I visited.

Bullshit. It takes very little energy to post, and a lot more getting up and putting a load of washing in.

I would disagree, but I think the effort should be for OP to get herself showered. That will make her feel better, however she may well need her DH to help, to ensure she's safe.

Fuck me sideways

Good to see the milk of human compassion flowing freely across this thread.

OP; you can a lot about a person in how they react when you get ill. It’s not a pretty aspect of someone’s personality to know they have the capacity to blame you for being ill.

I hope for Little Diddums’ sake you never get seriously ill and need prescribed rest and recovery time. After all, who will keep the house afloat then?

YANBU

If you got norovirus yesterday you would not be on here today. Dh and I had it years ago and I was sleeping with vomit in my hair. We didn't move. My best friend dropped off food for our toddler. You don't post on the internet with norovirus. You barely function.

I've had Noro. And was perfectly able to post online in between bouts of vomming and shitting. It affects us in different ways, so I can easily believe OP being able to post on MN.

@username900 This and your other post do suggest that your DP isn't very nice at all. I'd recommend looking at the Relationship board, they have a stickered thread at the top of the board that details a lot of red flags and behaviours.

It's also clear your DP has no idea about GF, etc, and just wants you to be better so you can do the housework, etc, so he doesn't have to.

While your other half has been moaning that you aren't doing your job due to being poorly, he could have chucked a wash on, run the Hoover round the obvious bits & flicked a duster round. You aren't asking for a perfect pile of clothes ironed & folded, just some clean clothes for your child to wear to nursery, dirty stuff put on a quick wash, then either tumble dried or put on raidators/airers to dry. If you have Norovirus you shouldn't be handling food or cooking, it's the easiest way to spread the bugs. Glandular fever is a horrible disease & the more you try to power through, the longer it will take for you to get better, you have probably caught the Norovirus because you are run down with the glandular fever, normally you would have managed to fight off the bug or at worst just had maybe 24-36 hours of feeling rubbish but due to already being ill will take longer to get better. Let's hope your other half doesn't catch either, if he does, just shut him in a room & leave him to manage on his own.

Stargazer888, do you think it is at all possible that other people might not have exactly the same experiences as you?

How's your DH now? You said yesterday, before the name change, that he had told you he was feeling unwell and was struggling... Not sure you mentioned it in this thread?
Norovirus is a new development from yesterday too, you're not having much luck, hope you get better.

red I am neither doing the washing nor feeding my dc at the moment, I can’t. BUT I still have the ability to SEE that they are clean/dirty, hungry/not hungry. I still have the capacity to fucking care. I am not fucking dead, I am ill.

You would do well to be seriously ill yourself and we can see how well you cope on your own.

Sorry I'm a bit confused by this. I'll do well to be ill and see how I do well on my own? This thread is about a woman who has a fully-able bodied partner. She's not on her own. Which is somewhat the entire issue. She can't; he can, but isn't because he thinks she should.

I'm not married to some useless lump. So the times I was hospitalised when mine were young children I didn't have 'to care' my children were being looked after. I knew they were. (Where 'to care' seems to mean checking or telling their father how to or just having to tell him he needs to.)

A woman is sick and it reveals in a clear and undeniable way that her relationship is not an equal one. The issueon MN becomes how if she can type on phone, she should also be able to get up and do everything because he won't. Or how she can't actually be ill because certain posters enter into comparative illness and martyrdom:

"When I had glandular fever I couldn't even walk so I crawled to the school gates to collect my children. My fantastic husband would have of course, but I told him I'd go as he wasn't able to quit the level he was on without losing everything he'd achieved in the game. There was a broken glass bottle on the path, but I didn't grumble."

I had D &V last week and although my DH did his best and my children are 13 & 10, so can help out, the house still looked like a tip in 48 hours. We had our first decent home cooked meal last night as they've been surviving on takeaways and DD's gourmet "pasta with sauce" until then. The children don't like DP's cooking.

Your DP was out of order to swear at you, but you also need to realise that if you normally run the household, things will slide when you're out of action. You need to tell him (nicely) that the washing, etc. needs doing and just let things go a bit.

Long-term, it might be better if he pitches in more at home so it's not so bad the next time something hits. And it will with a young child, they pick up all sorts of bugs at nursery/school and pass them onto parents!