DP called me a 'fucking liar'

[username900]

Been really unwell for about 9 days.
Day 1 - Took the morning off work to have an urgent doctors appointment about being so ill but forced myself into work
Day 2 - Off work, unwell and in pain
Day 3 - Forced myself into work again but spent the day having to take myself off to cry because I felt horrific
Day 4 - Up at A&E in the morn, spent the rest of the day crying in bed I felt so awful
Day 5 - Urgent blood tests, bedridden again
Day 6 & 7 - Feeling slightly better. Moderate pain but managed. Tried to stay in bed so I could rest in hope to get to work this week.
Day 8 - Got hit with norovirus bug.
Day 9 (today) - feeling slightly better but still dealing with norovirus.

I've honestly felt horrific.
DP has been good in terms of keeping our toddler occupied, getting him to and from nursery etc, but the place is a tip, no clean washing, and I've had to pester him to get shopping.

I gave him a little lecture this morning. DP is supposed to be taking DS out and I told him that DS had no clothes and explained that when I'm so ill, he really should've been making sure DS at least had clean clothes to go to nursery or out in.
He went absolutely crazy, said

• I shouldn't have left it 10 days to say anything (I've made comments about how DS has no clothes until I've had to go and put them in the machine myself)
• About how there was a time I was lazy and didn't do it and he had to sort it all (true, but it was the few weeks before this illness and I was fatigued and I was putting it down to that)

He then went on about how I was well enough (on day 6&7) to do it so should've been getting off my ass to do it. He started going on about how I've been 'milking' the illness, how I've been well enough to do a shop run and do washing and I'm just trying to make out that it was than it actually was (because he saw me walking round the flat and playing with DS sometimes?) DM then rang in the middle of this rant from him that I'm putting it on, she asked how my norovirus was getting on and I replied 'still bad' (as I've already been up&down to the bathroom this morning) and he laughed and scoffed 'still bad' and then walked off and muttered under his breath (toddler DS was with me), 'what a fucking liar'.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I?

Sorry - this is a bit more long winded than I'd hoped it'd be!

@Thegoodthere

Or you could read my very first post and see that you are talking out your arse 🙄

A hahahaha, and we're supposed to happy after 3,5,10 years of doing everything? Bore off, bloke.

StreetwiseHercules

He wasn't doing everything that's the whole point.

Are there really so many posters here that have totally useless partners, who aren't capable of keeping on top of the household whilst looking after a child?
I worry about the state if some relationships if posters really thing the OP's husband is some sort of saintly god for managing for just over a week, whilst the OP is ill.

He said she was well enough to go to the shop and do the washing

Well @Namestheyareachangin, why are you allowing this man who is showing classic signs of parental neglect to care for your child? Next time he dresses your daughter in dirty (and now, it seems, ill-fitting) clothes ask him why he wants you flagged up by relevant bodies.

As I said do you think if you didn't step in he'd never put clean clothes on her? Does he no wash or feed her?

There's slightly more to child neglect than one extra day in dirty clothing. Nursery staff won't be on the phone to any authority because Sarah had egg on her dress that she wore yesterday.

Still, this doesn't explain why the OP's husband shouldn't do basic things without being asked.

Your first issue is that all the shopping, washing etc,.. is seen as YOUR responsibility (meaning it inst and never will be your DP’s) by your DP and it seems quit a few posters on here. Why I’m not sure we are in the 21st century and surely, it should be known by all that washing and shopping isn’t only a woman’s responsibility.

The second is another one shared with, it seems, some posters on here too. And that’s the idea that if you can be on MN or sat in te floor for 15mins to play with your toddler, then you aren’t really ill and shouod resume ALL normal activities (esp of otherwise, it means someone else should actually do it, even worse if it’s a man).
Which is just stupid.
1- because you might have enough energy to post 10 lines in MN but putting the washing to go is requiring a very different level of energy. As I have discovered when I was very bad with ME. I spend hours in MN, which actually doesn’t require any energy but I still couldn’t go up the stairs wo a major effort.
2- because when you clearly got something, virus, bacteria, whatever, that is making you so ill you end in A&E, then you need to recover. And recovering does NOT mean doing everything you normally do. I mean people in here advocating workers to stay at home if they have a cold but somehow the OP should carry on doing the same stuff as usual
.
Bottom line is that having a go at him for not doing stuff when you are ill is pointless. But you need a discussion about how responsibility for many things in the house is SHARED. And that includes doing the stuff the other is normally doing if one of you is ill/away etc...
And another discussion on how calling people’s name is not acceptable either.

Better wit until you have recovered a bit more as I suspect thesetow discussions will be hard work tbh.

street he was playing on the bloody games console. Not washing his own pants or his child’s. And couldn’t even manage a food shop.
In between swearing at his sick wife.

Doing everything for ten days? What a joke!

Yeh women are all grace under fire do everything and poor men get no wonder he snapped.

Could this be why male violence is such an issue?

“He wasn't doing everything that's the whole point.”

Nobody can. People should do their best up to a reasonable standard and give each other the benefit of the doubt. It’s not for partners to give each other “little lectures” whenever they fail to quite manage everything in a period of adversity.

“A hahahaha, and we're supposed to happy after 3,5,10 years of doing everything? Bore off, bloke.”

Leave my protected characteristics out of this please.

bore off misogynist

@Namestheyareachangin there is a difference between lying very still in bed with only your fingers moving; and getting up, moving around, bending over to insert washing/lifting/sorting laundry/picking up laundry off the floor. If you can't see that massive difference, then, I don't know what to say....

Have people truly lost this much common sense on here?

red I am neither doing the washing nor feeding my dc at the moment, I can’t. BUT I still have the ability to SEE that they are clean/dirty, hungry/not hungry. I still have the capacity to fucking care. I am not fucking dead, I am ill.

You would do well to be seriously ill yourself and we can see how well you cope on your own.

@LunafortJest

That's exactly my point!!!! I think you have me confused with someone else... I'm defending the OP from twits who think being on Mumsnet means she's perfectly well!

I gave him a little lecture this morning”

After 10 days of doing everything. No wonder he snapped.

Well that’s exactly the point where I wouod snapped too. The one where the OP has been really unwell, is still not right but has also seen the mess, nothing tidied, childwo clean clothes etc... and KNOWS that her DP is expecting her to just get in with it and do it all, regardless of how she feels, because there is no way he will actually step up to do all that.
Asking this FATHER to clean some clothes for his child, do the cooking, shopping and generally look afetr the house and child is NORMAL. There is nothing wrong in him doing it all in his own for 10 days. Esp as it’s exactjy what the OP is doing on a day to day basis.

Why on Earth are some people thinking that because one is a man, then they can’t be asked to do anything at all? When those things are things they wouod normally be doing if they were living on their own?

Streetwise it wasn’t a reasonable standard. Well, maybe reasonable to your standards but if you think that’s a grown adult who is unable to buy food and wash clothes without being told they’re not reflective of most people’s standards. That would be more young teenager standard.

Protected characteristic? Neckbeard.

I think you meant to say "privilege"

@Redforshort

Well @Namestheyareachangin, why are you allowing this man who is showing classic signs of parental neglect to care for your child? Next time he dresses your daughter in dirty (and now, it seems, ill-fitting) clothes ask him why he wants you flagged up by relevant bodies

FFS. Dirty clothes are a sign of wider neglect. That is not the same as saying dirty clothes ARE neglect. Her dirty clothes might indicate to those who do not know the ins and outs of her family life that there might be a more serious problem with parental care and attention. As it is her dad is a wonderful father who is just a bit scabby and uptight about doing 'too much' laundry. Which would of course be established very quickly by Social Services if they were to call around and observe our home. I'd just rather not have to have that process, so there is no harm in keeping her clean to avoid attracting unnecessary negative attention, is there?

And how has everyone got the impression I think OP should do all the work? READ my posts - it's him i'm giving a bollocking, not OP!!!

Sorry Namestheyareachangin that last post of mine should have been addressed to @JaneJeffers

With all these completely incompetent men that are broken by one laundry wash and a food shop perhaps need to be sent on a compulsory course to learn basic survival skills. It is utterly pathetic.

Amazed at some of the crap written about glandular fever on here. I got it when I was 25, it was about 3 days of feeling generally atrocious and vomiting until my mother found me sobbing over the toilet bowl (having filled it with some rather horrendous looking green bile). She dragged me to the doctor who was uninterested until I asked for a sick bowl. He suddenly changed his mind when he saw what I produced and instead sent me to A&E. They isolated me thinking it could be meningitis (because I remember asking if they could close the curtains). It came back the next day as glandular fever and they sent me home. I saw my GP that next day for some quality pain killers and he looked horrified when I said I was self employed as I would need at least 2 weeks off, if not more. He was right too. I had moments of thinking it was getting better only to find myself sick again. It went on for weeks and weeks. Hands down the worst illness I've ever had.

YANBU, and when you're feeling better, definitely need to have a serious talk with "D"P about how hurtful he has been.
Get well soon

@Thegoodthere

A hahahaha, and we're supposed to happy after 3,5,10 years of doing everything? Bore off, bloke.

WTF are you talking about? Is that one for me, it's very unclear.

Some very sensible posts from Queenie upthread, totally agree