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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

265 replies

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 08:50

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:41

She is 6

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 10:41

Ok and when my daughter asked why daddy is no longer taking her?.....sorry kid football is more important than supporting you

If you can't work out a more erudite response than that, I suspect you're creating problems rather than solving them.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 19/02/2019 10:44

In that case it should be fine for OH to at least ask Ex to do it this once and also explore other options - could one of the other football parents take him?

But this is also about OH making time for his daughter so that needs a separate conversation.

CandyflossKing · 19/02/2019 10:44

JacquesHammer - why is asking DSS' mother not an attempt to resolve the situation?

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:45

I am only missing it as the birthday plans had been arranged months ago. Why should football (a long standing commitment) be more important than DD dancing which is also a long standing commitment?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/02/2019 10:46

Nmum09 you tell the truth that unfortunately there has been a fixture change for her brother and it makes sense for her dad to do that but grandad is free to do hers

It really isn’t a big deal at all these things happen with full siblings all the time. DS has a drama performance coming up that menhis dad and sister were all going to watch. She potentially now has a county chess match (if picked on that day) that her dad will have to take her too. So grandparents are watching instead. It’s done without fuss because these things happen

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/02/2019 10:47

Nmum09

Why can't your dad take him to the football?
Why does it have to be the Ex?

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2019 10:47

But why should Dancing be more important either. Neither are it’s done on the easiest way and I don’t see grandad going to be that much of a big deal

Unless you feel his always favours his son, which means you have a whole heap of issues

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:48

It’s a reasonable answer my daughter is a very bright girl and has been talking about daddy taking her to the audition and now I have to tell her he’s not!

OP posts:
LikeACowsOpinion · 19/02/2019 10:49

This thread is ridiculous.

OP YANBU.

The fact that DH won't even consider asking his ex to take DS to football just shows where his priorities lie.
He previously arranged to take your DD but now football has come along it's a case of 'Sorry, I prefer football to your interest so I'm not taking you.'
Bang out of order and a horrific message he is sending out to her.

He takes DS to football each and every week, I highly doubt that missing one match is going to send that same message to DS.

Does DH ever take DD to dance? Or get involved in her hobbies at all?
She must have been excited that dad was taking her and now she's basically being shown that something she enjoys is of no interest to her dad.

Your dad taking her should only be a last resort.
You have a massive DH problem.

JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 10:50

why is asking DSS' mother not an attempt to resolve the situation?

It could be - but of course its possible and reasonable that DSS' mother has plans and therefore a back up resolution is sensible.

Why should football (a long standing commitment) be more important than DD dancing which is also a long standing commitment?

Why should it come down to that? Why not make the effort to accomodate both and not turn it into a competition. And by accomodate I don't mean you miss your arrangement, I mean DH asks his ex-wife, you ask your dad etc. Plenty of families without step-children juggle this every week. That's parenting. It only comes down to one hobby being more important than the other if YOU let it.

Ok and when my daughter asked why daddy is no longer taking her?.....sorry kid football is more important than supporting you

You appreciate that DSS could ask exactly the same. Would you suggest the same glib response?

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:50

Well you try telling my DH that because he doesn’t want to find a easy resolve just wants to scream that he wouldn’t want to sit in a dance studio all day!

OP posts:
micromanager1 · 19/02/2019 10:50

To clarify:
I think best way to approach is that as a given you get to go to spa, and both children get to go to their activities. It's DH's problem to sort, because he is the one that cannot make his initial commitment.

I think you can just say: ok, I'll leave it in your hands to arrange how everyone gets there and back.
Don't engage in the convo, or battle about it. Say you're happy for him to ask your dad, but the responsibility to ensure everyone gets to where they need to be rests on him.
It's not your problem! You're "booked off" that day, and have been for some time.

Juells · 19/02/2019 10:50

Why can't your dad take him to the football?

The OP's father isn't any relation to the boy. I would have been very unhappy if a non-relative was drafted in to take one of my children somewhere, someone I didn't know from Adam.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 19/02/2019 10:50

Dancing should not be more important. PREVIOUSLY ARRANGED COMMITMENTS should be though. Which it was. The dad is letting his daughter down because a better offer has come up for him due to a change of date.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 19/02/2019 10:51

Was it already discussed and arranged (prior to fixture change,) that your husband would take her to the audition? If so, tell him he needs to find and arrange a solution to the problem. It's not for you to sort.

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:52

That it’s unfortunate that because your fixture has changed days it clashes with your sisters audition and unfortunately your step mum isn’t able to take her so your mum is going to take you this week?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2019 10:52

I mean if your dad can actually do it, what's the problem?

Original poster
Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:52

Yes it was

OP posts:
OVienna · 19/02/2019 10:52

You have a massive DH problem. - Yes, this OP.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:53

Why can't your dad take him to the football?
Why does it have to be the Ex?

She’s his mum Hmm
I do find it very strange that she never takes him to football. Maybe this is a good opportunity for her to get involved?
Why would his stepmum’s dad take him over his own mum? I find that so bizarre.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 19/02/2019 10:55

Well now, this post:

Nmum09

Well you try telling my DH that because he doesn’t want to find a easy resolve just wants to scream that he wouldn’t want to sit in a dance studio all day!

makes it seem as if he never intended to take her? Had you and he ever discussed what the arrangements were for the audition prior to the football issue arising?

LikeACowsOpinion · 19/02/2019 10:55

After your update OP I would be seriously considering my future with that man.

It's nothing to do with taking his son to football. It's your daughters 'girlie' interest that he doesn't give a flying fuck about, was begrudgingly going because you couldn't and now has a get out clause (by way of his sons match.)

He's not arsed about the dance, be that at detriment to your daughter or not, which is why he is not entertaining any solutions rather than the ones where you put yourself out.

Poor DD.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 19/02/2019 10:55

Your OH is no longer a full time dad to DS but has a long standing arrangement to take him to football.

Because it wasn't a long standing arrangement - the football was changed after the dance audition.

Yes, I think his attitude to his DD stinks. How does he justify letting her down?

YANBU but I guess you'll have to ask your dad.

JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 10:56

Well you try telling my DH that because he doesn’t want to find a easy resolve just wants to scream that he wouldn’t want to sit in a dance studio all day!

Well that's quite the drip feed....

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