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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

265 replies

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 08:50

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

OP posts:

explodingkitten · 19/02/2019 10:57

My point is both DC have 2 parents who are able to take the children places, if I’m not available for our DD I need DH to step in and if DH not available for DS then surely his mum should be asked to step in?

No no no no no. You do not "have" DS for the weekends. DS has the right to see his dad at the weekends. It's his contact time and it would be unfair to take this away from him just because you don't want to cancel your spa day. I'm mostly on the side of stepmums but you are really missing the point here.

Original poster

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 10:57

It’s only people on this thread making the fact that they are my step children an issue, that’s not the issue here, all the children are my priority but we have 3 parents between 2 children who need to be places, I’m not available which leaves 2 so why should DH drop arrangement with DD when plans get changed?

OP posts:

CanILeavenowplease · 19/02/2019 10:58

why is asking DSS' mother not an attempt to resolve the situation?

Because many separated couples have quite a strict routine in place as to what happens with the children. When children are not with you, you frequently have something else to do - work is a common one, for example. But also classes, studying, socialising, or just relaxing. I am afraid if my ex asked me to take over on his time, he would be told where to go. His time, his problem. Having said that, I would also accept that sometimes plans had to change and my child might sometimes need to miss football in favour of another child’s activities.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/02/2019 10:58

Juells

but in the OP's words they are a blended family,

funinthesun19

The OP has never said that she never takes him nut she has said that she is always there.

Why would his stepmum’s dad take him over his own mum? I find that so bizarre.

Blended family, it the OP's weekend and they should organise any change, you know the usual stuff that is often posted here about what to do on their weekend.

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 10:58

I knew it was because he prefers football and can’t be arsed with anything that doesn’t interest him. I can spot men like that a mile off!

micromanager1 · 19/02/2019 10:59

I don't think OP needs to do anything. It's not her problem, as long as DD gets to go.

If OP refuses to comment on the matter, and makes DH deal with telling DD that she can no longer go because he's got DS's football instead, I think the tears and meltdown will deter him from making this choice.

He will simply have to make arrangements, either taking her himself or finding someone else to take her.

Original poster

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 11:01

Our arrangement was to have DSC Saturday this week, football has now been changed to Sunday, we will still have them Saturday and he will still go football on Sunday, I have no issue with that whatsoever it’s not uncommon and we are not that strict with our arrangements but the point is what was already planned for DH to take his DD to audition.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2019 11:01

What about the other step child, is it a boy or girl?

funinthesun19 · 19/02/2019 11:02

The OP has never said that she never takes him nut she has said that she is always there.

If his mum is going to be there on Sunday then I don’t see what the issue is here? She can watch him on her own surely.

IvanaPee · 19/02/2019 11:02

What it boils down to is your dh is a prick.

You’re banging your head against a wall here, OP. You’re a stepmother and therefore cannot expect rationality from a small but vocal few!

I see one poster hammering home the “strict access arrangement” point even though you’ve said more than once that that’s not how you guys do it.

The thread will descend this way until you stop posting or it gets pulled.

But, as I said, your dh is a prick.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 19/02/2019 11:04

But if if was already planned, why is your husband now saying he doesn't want to spend all day in a dance studio? That's the part that makes no sense.

It is still his problem to sort. Tell him he needs to find a solution as your plans are fixed.

HotpotLawyer · 19/02/2019 11:04

Look: you have a spa day, 2 things have come up, get help.

If it will upset the arrangement with Dss’s mum get someone else.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 19/02/2019 11:05

YANBU. Football on Saturdays is a long-standing commitment. Unfortunately this week football has been changed to a day when OP's DH had already made a commitment to DD, and as such he should have made alternative arrangements for his son to be able to get there/be supported.

However in the real world I think an enthusiastic granddad is probably a better option to take DD than a reluctant father, so I think if I were the OP I'd ask her dad to step in without making a big thing of it to DD, and then have a quiet word afterwards with DH about the importance of honouring prior commitments - which in this particular case was DD's audition.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/02/2019 11:05

Nmum09
Our arrangement was to have DSC Saturday this week, football has now been changed to Sunday, we will still have them Saturday and he will still go football on Sunday

Why didn't you post this upthread instead of drip feeding it?
for me this changes the situation.

But although I now agree with you in this situation you sound like you still have a problem with the football.

Juells · 19/02/2019 11:06

a small but vocal few!

your dh is a prick.

😒

JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 11:07

You’re banging your head against a wall here, OP. You’re a stepmother and therefore cannot expect rationality from a small but vocal few!

That’s such a tired point of view.

I am, usually, very vocally supportive of step-mothers.

However this is an issue which (a) isn’t unique to blended families and (b) could potentially be sorted by not making it into a “your child vs mine” issue.

ShartGoblin · 19/02/2019 11:07

YANBU, the audition was booked first and your DD was told her dad would be taking her. The football changed days and it's not even his weekend. It's sad that he has to miss a game but it's a good opportunity to learn about honouring your commitments. It's a bit pathetic that a grown adult should be the one that needs to learn the lesson.

As for what you should do, I think I agree with @micromanager1

I think best way to approach is that as a given you get to go to spa, and both children get to go to their activities. It's DH's problem to sort, because he is the one that cannot make his initial commitment.

If he's really not going to back down then it shouldn't be down to you to have to explain it. Go to the spa, clear your head and have a proper talk with him when you get back about how he's making you feel and how he might make your DD feel.

IvanaPee · 19/02/2019 11:07

But although I now agree with you in this situation you sound like you still have a problem with the football.

See? 😂😂

IamaBluebird · 19/02/2019 11:08

How has your Dh gone from being part of a very happy family and involved with the children. To a person who is screaming about not getting his own way.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/02/2019 11:08

IvanaPee

ODFOD

IvanaPee · 19/02/2019 11:08

However this is an issue which (a) isn’t unique to blended families and (b) could potentially be sorted by not making it into a “your child vs mine” issue.

It’s not your child vs mine - it’s you have a commitment to your child, it’s up to you to arrange something for your other child.

And come on! You can’t see the agenda here? If it’s a tired point of view maybe that’s because it happens All. The. Time.

Original poster

Nmum09 · 19/02/2019 11:09

No not the case as I generally watch DSS football most weeks

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 19/02/2019 11:10

@BoneyBackJefferson how rude! Where has the OP given the impression that she has a problem with football? She has said repeatedly that dh always takes his son to football. She hasn’t once moaned about that fact...

Footloose80 · 19/02/2019 11:10

Op has said all along that her dh sees his kids regularly and they go not have set contact weekends.
This is about dh preferring football over dance. I think he should ask his ex but if he won't get your dad to take her.
Ynbu op.

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2019 11:10

Your problem is a man who doesn’t want to spend the day in a dance studio for his daughter simple as

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